Being a uni student means you're probably the poorest, most under/over fed, unfit, you'll ever be in your entire life hopefully. So to ease the pain, here's a list of 41 things that only uni students understand that we've made compulsory to read, so you guys can have a legitimate excuse to procrastinate instead of studying for exams. Because we get you.
- If it’s raining, class is cancelled.
- But also; sun’s out, uni’s out.
- You only have class on Fridays because you slept in and missed subject timetabling four months ago.
- You know the opening times and location of every coffee shop on campus but you have no idea where your stats lecture is held.
- You go to your 10am tutorial on Tuesdays because that’s when Standing Room gets a fresh batch of Shortstop donuts.
- You know where the bookshop is because you booked your Contiki Tour from Student Flights next door.
- Skipping lectures to watch them later in double time makes you feel like Rain Man.
- ‘Compulsory’ textbooks written by the subject lecturer are optional.
- Like, you don’t go out that much, but you do know that Perseverance is a $33 Uber from your house.
- WHO THE F*CK DEMOLISHED THE CORKMAN?!
- Printing out lecture notes isn’t killing the rainforests, student elections are.
- If they didn’t want students to steal from Woolies self-service checkouts, they wouldn’t charge $150 to graduate from a $30,000 degree.
- Class presentations are compulsory unless there’s something good on at Nova.
- You download the Lost On Campus app at the start of every semester even though you’re in the last year of your masters degree.
- You gave your mum a tour of the campus last semester and made up most of the building names.
- You have no idea what the web address is for the student portal, but you do have notifications turned on for the Melbourne University Sausage Hunter Facebook group.
- If it didn’t take your professors ten minutes to figure out how to turn the volume up on a YouTube video, then maybe you’d actually go to your lectures (no, probably not).
- If you’re not in the food hall by 12:15pm, then you’re obviously happy eating on the floor.
- You promise yourself you’ll join a club or society each semester, but you’d rather buy two Italian herb meatball subs than pay the joining fee.
- Your lecturer looks nothing like he sounded in the recordings.
- Group assignments are God’s way of telling you the world is full of d*ckheads who can’t spell.
- People who ask questions in lectures want to die alone.
- The ideal time to start re-watching the entire series of Friends is the first Tuesday of SWOTVAC.
- Drinking in class is permitted if it’s Vodka mixed with blue food dye in an Isotonic Powerade bottle.
- You get a tiny bit star-struck when the lecturer walks by your desk during an exam.
- Hurdle requirements are negotiable.
- People who cough repetitively during exams should be put down.
- If you don’t have a Macbook, your parents hate you.
- Student experience surveys are a great opportunity to ask your lecturer if he has children, and if he likes destroying their future career prospects as well.
- If you’re not wearing activewear, you’re not serious about your education.
- The library staff aren't there to help you, they're there to remind you that old people can't operate computers.
- ‘I am Lord Voldemort’ is an anagram for ‘exam invigilator’.
- $2 glasses of sparkling at Asian Beer Café are the reason you could pay your phone bill last month.
- The only reason you’re still studying is for the public transport concession.
- The only time you’ve applied anything you’ve learnt from formal education to the real world is at a Queensberry trivia night, and it was when you called your team the ‘Mitochon-trivias’.
- You don’t own a shred of uni merchandise, but you have collected several of their witches hats after a sesh at Turfs (RIP).
- Compulsory lectures are illegal.
- Wearing shin-pads and a mouthguard to class makes your excuse for leaving class early for training more convincing.
- Wearing heels to uni is a desperate cry for help.
- Pasting entire paragraphs from a Harvard Business Journal into your assignment and then correctly referencing them is ‘still plagiarism’.
- Reading lists of 41 things is the perfect study break.
This Melbourne version was inspired by the original article by Mollie Maloney on The Urban List Sydney.
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist