Valentine’s Day comes but once a year folks, and if your romantic record is anything like mine – full of 'points for trying' rather than actual A grades – you’ll be looking forward to the dreaded 14th about as much as you do having your freakshake-induced fillings reset. So, want to know how to make the day pass as quickly and mercifully as possible?
Read on for our top 5 activities that will help you survive everyone’s favourite gross-out day of lurve.
#1: Find Cupid’s arrow while learning to shoot actual arrows
Call me deranged (you wouldn’t be the first…), but sometimes when I’m feeling unlucky in the Netflix and Chill department, doing something that’s just a liiiittle bit physically dangerous really helps. Something like shooting razor sharp arrows at high speed towards targets. Make like Katniss Everdeen and let out that lovelorn frustration by picking up some badass archery skills at the Melbourne Archery Depot or AIM Archery Club.
#2: Attack a heart-shaped piñata because hitting things is fun
If you’re at a loose end on 13 February, get yourself to Fitzroy mecca of all things worth knowing, Work Shop, where local artist and master crafter Kit Palaskas will teach you how to make your very own heart-shaped piñata. Stuff it full of candies, trinkets and love notes to yourself, then beat the crap out of it the very next day. Anti-Valentines day success achieved!
#3: Practice dancing…alone
I genuinely believe dancing solo is more fun than dancing with a partner. There’s no weird hand-holding, no ‘are we coordinating our moves or just freestyling?’ tension, and if you feel like just spinning off and flailing your arms in a different area of the dancefloor, you don’t have to check in with anyone and tell them you’ll meet them at the bar in a half-a. Pop on your dancing shoes, hit your nearest bar with some grooves, and go hell-for-leather on the dancefloor. Trust me, you’ll feel heaps better.
…And if leaving the house on Valentines Day isn’t your thing, download the Dancebreak app from No Lights No Lycra, the Melbourne dance fanatics who host hour-long dancing sessions in the dark. Plug in and get ready to drop it low, Listers.
#4: Head To The Cinema For A Gore-Fest
Ultra-violence is SUCH a romantic buzz-kill, so this Valentine’s Day our top solo film pick is the latest masterpiece from Quentin Tarantino, The Hateful Eight. It’s a whopping 3 hours long (187 minutes of Western-inspired violence, to be precise) and is bound to leave you feeling like you’re better off fending for yourself instead of caught up in some love tryst. If Tarantino’s taught us anything, it’s trust no one.
#5: Get out of town for the entire weekend
Yes, Valentine’s Day is a Sunday, but you can guarantee that some smug schmucks out there have planned a whole weekend of fawning over their significant other. To save yourself the countless Snapchat updates from your mates who are spending an entire 48 hours drinking Veuve and licking salted caramel off each others’ spoons/lips/ugh (I don’t even want to know), take to the hills and go tech-free for a weekend. Wondering where to switch off? We’ve got a killer suggestion…
Have you got another Valentine’s Day suggestion for the romantically challenged? Drop me a line here.