7 Melbourne Clichés That Are Absolutely (Kind Of) True

By Ellen Seah
16th Feb 2017

7 Melbourne Clichés That Are Absolutely (Kind Of) True

Clichés aren’t always on point, but when it comes to #Melbourne…well, there are just some things we can’t hide from the world. Here are the seven Melbourne clichés that deep down in your heart, you know are true.

1. We’re All Coffee Snobs

You can even play spot-the-tourist if you’re within a five-kilometre radius of Flinders Street station. Camp at a coffee shop with your favourite triple espresso infused with butter and the tears of your barista. As you (masculinely) sip at your teensy tiny bitter bomb of a coffee, watch as a tourist walks in and can’t speak Melbourne.  

“Can I have a coffee please?”

“What kind?”

“A coffee.”

“A cappuccino, latte, flat white, long black, espresso, cold drip, filter, pour-over or 24-hour batch brew made with unicorns and sprinkles?”

“An EXpresso but with lots of milk.”

*is immediately evicted from café*

2 .The Weather Is A Grouchy Toddler With Attention Problems

What do you mean you don’t have an umbrella on your person at all times? What happens when it starts hailing at 3pm in summer? Or when it peaks at 40 degrees at 5pm on a Tuesday, because that’s how the sun works here?

3. We LOVE Footy

To hereby and forevermore only to be referred to as “the game” or “the one that’s not soccer”. In case you didn’t hear, we love footy so much that the AFLW was MOVED because we couldn’t fit the entirety of Melbourne into Ikon Park.  

4. We Only Wear Black Except For Activewear

It’s just so much easier to colour coordinate.

5. We Hate Our Public Transport System

…and after a brief brawl with a self-serve Myki machine, the tourists don’t blame us. If you're waiting for the train in peak hour? Don’t worry, it’s always going to be at least five to ten minutes late, until you’re actually late and then it’s two minutes early. But Metro apologises for any inconvenience caused.  

6. We Are The Café Capital Of The World

There are so many cafes populating every inch of our fair city, we’ve lost all ability to cook for ourselves. It’s obviously quicker to travel into the city, wait two hours in line and feast on a foodgasmic feed me menu every night.

7. We’re A European City In Australia

Like a lost middle child, we’re confused about how we fit into the big (family) picture. Our laneways, nooks and crannies conceal treasures that we purchase, half because we like it, half because then we can proudly tell anyone (who will listen) about this “great little boutique”. 

New to Melby? Check out our 41 Steps To Becoming A True Melburnian, you'll need before you're accepted in the herd.

Image credit: Micheal Woods for The Urban List

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