Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
While everyone else around you loses their cool, you're only interested in one thing: having as much fun as you can. You're also pushing boundaries too, whether they're how few hours' sleep you can operate on, or how crazy a hair colour you can get away with. Start trying on some new ideas, Pisces, then hold onto whatever sticks and ditch the rest. This week, you ARE 'you do you'.
Where you need to go this week: Get to Melbourne's newest vintage emporium, The Aquarium, and swap that Zara blazer for the real 80's shoulder-pad deal.
Next week's solar eclipse has you feeling spiritual this week, Aries—so if you've been putting off committing to that stint of Buddhist meditation, or even just avoiding acknowledging that there's more to life than triple-stack burgers and being really, really ridiculously good looking, now's the time to reassess... Or start your own burger-loving religion and become Melbourne's next spiritual guru?
Urgh, WHY is the working week such a hassle, Taurus?! Yes, March might be off to a slow start, but it doesn't mean you're going to sit back and take the easy ride. Get ready for a triple whammy of a weekend, when you're splashing cash, partying with old friends and maybe (okay, probably) getting ready to sink those horns into a new love interest. Just try not to piss *too* many people off—hey, it's not their fault they can't keep up with your party-hard pace... or is it?
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere that's open late and prone to mischief. Here's a good place to start.
Want some action this month Leo? You're going to get it, you randy dog, you. Not only is your libido on point this March, but your love days are strong this week—plus, you have a makeover on the cards. Well, well, look at you. We must warn you, however: there are two eclipses this month, which means turmoil will erupt imminently—and the first one is set for the 9th. Maybe just don't bother getting out of bed that day?
This month, things are going to move fast. Really fast. The frenetic pace will probably mimic that of a small poodle who has seen an entire house full of bones and balls. SQUIRREL! The eclipses this month add to the frenzy: so hold on and get ready for a hectic ride—and maybe look for a good opportunity to shake up your career while you're at it. I never liked your boss, anyway.
Where you need to go this week: Get your energy pumping with one of these awesome city running trails and embrace the craziness!
Are you at University? Studying maybe? Well apparently the universe is SO in your corner this month, you're about to blitz all your classes with basically no work necessary. Just skip those boring lectures as your work magically does itself, whilst getting you A+ grades. May or may not happen IRL—but either way, will it really matter in ten years anyway?
Where you need to go this week: Forget studying, you got this girl. Go shopping at Melbourne's newest shopping mecca instead.
You're already feeling the burn of the new year, and your health leaves a lot to be desired... Self-inflicted or not. Take care of yourself a lil' more Virgo, you've still got a bunch of decades to be depressed about how poor you are left. Am I making you feel better? Well, why the hell not? Oh my god, you're so demanding.
Where you need to go this week: Take some time out of the city and renew your health on an out-of-town hike.
Get your ducks in a row this week Libra: March is going to be the biggest month of your year. Two eclipses are roaring to meddle with your life like your mum when she finds out you have a new boyfriend—so try to avoid the drama that's about to unfurl by repeating over and over again: "calm blue ocean... calm blue ocean..." Or maybe just skip town, whatever's easiest.
Where you need to go this week: Go solo at one of these awesome spots and avoid the draaaaamaaaaaa.
You had a few fights on your hands last month, didn't you Scorpio? I assume you won them all, otherwise you wouldn't be you. Well, you'll be happy to hear that the conflicts are over—because you finally learned how to let others have their way. I know, I know, you're not a sharer, but you have to learn some time. Right? Riiiiight? GIVE ME A CHIP YOU SELFISH BRAT.
Where you need to go this week: Exercise your new found skills by trying one of these shared cocktails. Try not to drink the whole thing while your friend is in the bathroom.
Apparently you're coming out of your 'midnight' of the year—so, basically, February was a nightmare, wasn't it. Things are looking up! It's a new yearly cycle! You're being born again! Look, I know how cynical you are, Saggo, so let's cut to the chase: personally, everything will be getting better. Your fam, on the other hand, is totally going to ruin your life with drama. NO SURPRISES THERE.
Where you need to go this week: Time for an all out day spa splurge, Saggo. Wake up for the new year here.
Sure, you killed it in the money game last month, but now it's time to focus on developing your mind: this month is perfect for focusing on upskilling. It's time to learn the ukulele, so you can serenade us with a Vance Joy song, just like you promised us at the luau last month. OMG, I'm blushing. Stop, no keep going.
Where you need to go this week: We totally put a ukulele class in 5 Awesome Things this week, just for you.
Aquarians, we hate to tell you, but your rainy day is here. Whether you'll be spending on a replacement phone after dropping yours under a tram, paying off a parking fine, or finally acknowledging that the mate you lent a few hundred bucks to has f#cked off to Bali and is never coming back, you'll be dipping into your savings for practical reasons. Lay as low as you can and take every free opportunity that comes your way—you'll find that yes, there *is* such a thing as a free lunch...
Where you need to go this week: At least 5 places on this hit-list of the top 20 free things to do this March. You're welcome.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae