Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we have created you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty and LOLs. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
The moon is seriously f**king with you, and with your entire friendship circle, hey Pisces? It's time to call out the frenemies that've been making your 2016 hell. Whether it's ghosting that person who's constantly bringing you down, leaving that Facebook group chat that's all about 'banter' but leaves you feeling low, or avoiding the colleague who spends more time complaining than doing their actual job—and use the eclipse as an excuse to ditch the deadweights.
Where you need to go this week: Once you've cleaned out your social crowd, grab the keepers and take them out for the creme de la creme of boozy brunches. You're welcome.
Hibernation is the name of the game for you this week, Aries. After starting the month with a blowout, it's time to make a cuppa, pick up a good book (...or a Real Housewives marathon?) and bed down for the week. Why? You'll be a drama magnet if you don't, and really, who wants to be bundling that one too-drunk mate into an Uber after a fight with a bouncer when you could be indulging in some quality me-time under a doona?
Where you need to go this week: Treat yourself to something cosy from one of our fave 5 homewares stores.
Last week wore you out, didn't it Taurus? You're back with a bounce in your step this week, thanks to a burst of energy that you should channel into tasks that have been weighing on your mind for a while. Been avoiding that stack of bills and bank statements, or putting off spring cleaning since, um, spring? Crank up some tunes and get onto achieving those small but worthwhile goals.
Where you need to go this week: Fuel your energy high with caffeine from one of Melbourne's best tiny coffee hot-spots.
Your love life is prospering at the moment, isn’t it you lucky duck?! This is because all the planets are clustered together—and apparently things clustering together makes for steamy times. If you’re single and we’ve totally got this wrong, jump on Tinder immediately and swipe right like your life depends on it. The 10th and 11th are set to be crackers, so a big thumbs up for Friday.
Where you need to go this week: Make plans for the long weekend. Grab a loved one and go for a road trip.
Mercury, the ruler of your horoscope, is zooming through the houses of your zodiac this month, meaning that things are fast paced and frantic. All we can really take from this is that you should go to the pub. Run. Don’t walk. March is looking successful, so make it a goodun’ with a quality drop enjoyed with many other successful friends. And if you don't have any successful friends, find some, immediately.
Where you need to go this week: Ugly Duckling in Richmond is well worth a look in.
Great news, Tuesday and Wednesday are looking to be top-notch days for you, Cancer! But, be warned: you’re heading for a solar eclipse on the 9th, so take it easy, kick back and relax for a few days after that... Hey, why not make it a week to be on the safe side? In Bali?
The bad news is: your health and energy is set to take a bit of a battering this week… might have something to do with the huge weekend you had, Virgo! Either way, be kind to yourself. Seek out a yoga class, green juice regularly and get all the zeds you can. Or don't, because we all hate those people. The good news is: the 12th and 13th are looking to be some of the best days you’ve had in a while, (yeah, we know that’s the weekend).
Where you need to go this week: Get bendy with one of these brilliant workouts.
I have great news for you Libra: from 12-20 March, your financial planet is looking A++. You're prospering, and your earnings are going to expand. You will have excellent financial intuition. Oh wait, I also have bad news—did I not mention that? Your co-workers are going to be in turmoil, which totally means DRAMA. Probably because they found out about your raise. Oops.
Where you need to go this week: Be rich on the DL and avoid all that jealousy by going glamping in the city—BYO Bollinger.
Your siblings are having personal dramas, your car keeps breaking down, and your financial decisions (that previously looked so promising) are amounting to zero in the dollaz department. On the upside, you can probably blame the two eclipses this month, and on the downside, your technology also starts to fail so just as you're trying to log into your netbank app it dies. It's probably a sign. Buy a lottery ticket?
Where you need to go this week: You're up all night to get lucky—and lucky they have the cheapest pizzas in Melbourne.
Is your home looking a lil' dull? Left that spring cleaning to morph into autumn cleaning? Been starting at that shelf for the last five months thinking how you've been meaning to fix it? This week is for home, sweet home. Plus, everything else is about to go to shit with the imminent eclipse, so you might as well bunker down and stay there. At least you can fix shelves in trackies, right?
Where you need to go this week: Home is where the heart (and the food) is. Here are our top picks for home delivery.
Look, I don't want to alarm you, but you're going to have a dramatic brush with death this week: maybe it's a close call, or a missed moment, or just a really, really dodgy burrito. Either way, it's going to make for a really, really great story. Oh and something something value your loved ones something don't be materialistic whatever.
Where you need to go this week: Enjoy your life more, Cap. Here are 10 activities you should do this week.
While you loooove looking on the sunny side of life, Aquarius—it's time to wake up and smell the single origin cold drip. Whether its bottles of Veuve, $120 manis or degustations that last for days, you've gotta ditch those expensive methods of finding happiness, and look to something that's a little more financially forgiving... Like maybe a friend with benefits?! Just sayin'.
Where you need to go this week: Grab a mate and take them to one of these 20 Free Things To Do In Melbourne This March.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae