Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Lately you've been the one in your squad who's all about Real Housewives, but has absolutely no clue what to say when someone brings up negative gearing or the Safe Schools Coalition. It's high time you switched reading the Lad Bible for a skim of an actual real-life news feed. And no, 'Damn, Daniel' does not count as breaking news.
Where you need to go this week: Somewhere cultured - the State Library, the NGV, the Immigration Museum, who cares! Anywhere that will give you fuel for a Sunday session convo that's not about the latest Ellen YouTube clip.
If the last charitable act you did was a fun run in year 8, it's time to rethink your giving strategy and get a liiiiittle bit more in touch with the needs of humanity. And no, that doesn't mean a selfie with the latest #slacktivism hashtag... It's time to get your hands dirty, Aries, and dig a little deeper into an IRL cause.
Where you should go this week: If you're stuck for ideas, maybe give one of Melbourne's feel-good businesses a call. And if all else fails, yes, picking up a knick-knack from your local Salvos will do.
Been playing it cool with a crush lately? It's totally unlike you to not go hell for leather for something you want and, while you've learned a few things about yourself while taking a step back (um, like how incredibly frustrating it is?), this is the week to turn up the heat. Remember, you're at your best when you're 100% being yourself, so ditch the hangups and make that move, even if it is unbelievably tactless.
Where you need to go this week: Nothing says 'I love you' like a beautiful bouquet, however nothing says 'I want to get in your pants' like a round of bourbon cocktails at Heartbreaker, y'know what I mean?
If you find yourself in a bit of a snafoo this week, Virgo, you can blame it on those wrethched planets Jupiter and Uranus who, as your ruling planets for home and family life and health and work, are not taking their job seriously and are so far in your outer orbit that they're unlikely to return home anytime soon. Hold tight and cherish the things that ARE going right for you this week (Monday off) and breathe deeply. Mars is looking prominant... and Mars is planet of sexuality, so at least there's that.
Where you need to go this week: Find a quiet cocktail bar, State of Grace is our pick, and don't leave until next week.
This week is looking excellent, Gemini. Not only have you kicked off with a long weekend, but Wednesday is set to be your best day this month for love, money AND career. Praise the planets for a trifecta like that! If you're still feeling a touch stressy, (we don't blame you, you've worked jolly hard to get to this point) take a moment to breathe. And have a wine.
Where you need to go this week: Take five and look in to lunch time yoga classes at this South Yarra zen den.
We don't mean to alarm you, Cancer, but we're going to be straight up here: there's a decent chance this week is going to be one you'd rather forget. Mars, you career planet has wandered way out west, meaning that career and money prospects will be less than rosey this week. On the plus side, you'll find out who your real friends are. Saturn is schlepping around in your 12th house of spirituality meaning love and inner peace will be strong. Go you for staying zen while s#$t hits the wall at work.
Where you need to go this week: Take some time out, or just don't bother to go to work at all. Cheer yourself up at one of Melbourne's most beautiful cafes.
If you've been scrimping and saving and keeping a low profile, Leo, now is your time to let loose and shine. Your love planet, Uranaus (LOL) is in hanging out in the same house as your ruling planet, the Sun. (Nelly's Hot in Herre would be a good sound track for this situation) Now's the time to splurge on some new threads, find yo'self a date, (preferably with a doctor who models in his spare time) and go along and have an absulute wow of a time. Don't hesitate to be assertive when it comes to choosing the date venue, now is not the time to slum it. We know work has been giving you a headaches, but this should make up for it, Leo.
Where you need to go this week: Hunt around online at one of these boutiques for the perfect date night outfit.
Libras, stay alert this week. You might be floating on happiness at the moment, but the impact on Saturn indicates some big family drama. There are some major family flaws at home (ie your sibling) which needs to be addressed this week. It’s probably best to avoid your mother when said addressing takes place.
Where you need to go this week: Leave the house to get away from it all and go and explore a new suburb.
We’re not going to lie to you Scorpio’s, this week is not looking good. Until the lunar eclipse on the 23rd, which occurs in your 12th house of spirituality, you are destined to walk around wreaking havoc on your personal relationships. No wonder all your friends seem to hate you, what could you need with 12 houses?! Try to be a little more generous this week my friend.
Where you need to go this week: If the confusion of freindships is leving you feeling a little hollow, fill the gap with flowers from one of Melbourne's best florists. Either for yourself or friends, both are good options.
The stars are showing financial changes in your life, Sagittarius. This week is set to bring some quality money days, but your stress levels will running at some of the highest levels for the month. Look on the bright side: at least you’re RICH and stressed. Take some T-out for yourself and bae to splurge this weekend. The money is coming next week, we promise.
Where you need to go this week: Weekends away are ALWAYS a good way to splurge, get some road trip inspo here.
Oh Capricorn, we know you're an Earth sign and sell yourself as being "soooo zen" but things have been a bit bleak, haven't they?! Just because your gem stone is black onyx and and your star sign colour is black, no need to have a black heart. Things are cooling, down, you've just had a lng weekend, and the moon, your love planet is shining brightly. Kick back and let the short week roll on.
Where you need to go this week: Unwind a little and release some tension at one of these fun fitness classes.
Someones rifling through your dirty laundry, Aquarius, and we don't mean last week's gym kit. If you've any skeletons hiding in closets that you need to own up to, now's the time to do it before you get busted. Own up to the fact that it's you who always finishes the hummus and doesn't buy a new tub, and take that mate you've been harbouring a grudge with out for a make-up brunch, then pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing.
Where you need to go this week: Resolutions are best found over brioche french toast, so get to North Melbourne institution Auction Rooms for that make-up coffee. Ain't nobody ever come to an agreement on an empty stomach!
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae