Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Why, oh why, Pisces, did you ever offer to lend that mate a couple of hundred dollars, or opt into that joint bank account with your significant other? Money is only fun when you have it, and when people keep spending it for you, it's definitely going to cause you trouble. Accept every Tinder food stamp and round that's bought for you this week... Because why the hell not?!
Where to go this week: Grab your wingman/woman and get to one of the best places to pick up in Melbourne... Then make sure you're NOT the one picking up the bill. Sorted.
You're going to be under a bit of pressure at work this week, Aries. If you've been asking yourself why the hell you work all those extra hours, it's time to direct that question to the person who matters, aka. your boss, and demand a little more ca$hola for your valuable time. If they say no, it might be time to bust a move on outta there... But if they say yes, WOOP!!
Where you need to go this week: Order in from your fave takeaway and spend some time this week online, searching the job market. You never know when change could be on the horizon.
Been partying a liiiittle too hard, Taurus? You're a free spirit for sure, but it might be time to lock down some spiritual practices that give you a little mental space and structure, even if it is just 5 mins meditation every morning before you hit those daily goals hard. Trust us, it might be hard at first but you'll reap the benefits over the coming months.
Where you need to go this week: Get yourself one of these and get all those crazy thoughts down on paper where you can work through them, one-by-one.
Oh Leo, when will you learn? The forcast for this week is chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and a healthy side of (unneccesary) self loathing. If the thought of spending Easter with the fam makes your insides churn, hang tight, we hear you. As Jupiter moves through your orbit, we have it on good authority that things will be better than expected on the family front, though we can't help you with the stomach ache.
Where you need to go this week: Rid some of that chocolaty regret at this balanced haven
Gemini, you saucy little minx, your 8th house of love and action has a bright light surrounding it. If you're single, keep one eye wide open for unexpected opportunities to come your way. In a relationship? You're about to dive into a fog of happiness. Yay for you, Gemini!
Where you need to go this week: Make the most of it and head to this top-notch bar
Great news, Cancer! We don't know whether its the long weekend and abundance of food that awaits you, or the fact that your stars are starting to align, either way, you're set for smooth sailing in the coming week. If you fee a little restless in early next week, look around for some challanges - chances are there will be a tonne of left over food that needs eating.
Where you need to go this week: Planning on over doing it this weekend? We'll just leave this green smoothie recipe right here.
Virgo, don't look so pained, you twelfth house is clearing and some calm is being restored to your world. Besides Thursday (you might find yourself in a snafoo at work that day) this week looks pretty regular. Don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone, it'll suit you.
Where you need to go this week: Take up a challange - this food challange is one of our favourites.
The eclipse this week will impact Saturn, making your small collection of electronics break simultaneously. Make sure to emphasise that your iPhone has spontaneously decided to give up on life, not because you ran over it with your Mazda 3 (car trouble is supposed to happen come hump day too but we’ll get to that later), but because of Saturn’s wrath. Apple employees defs believe in horoscopes.
Where you need to go this week: There’s no better place to drown your sorrows than this gem .
The lunar eclipse that screws over all Libras is kinder to you, Sagittarius. Hump day will see you going through a plethora of near-death experiences, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Expect a romantic weekend of love, passion and some very different kind of experiences. Unless you don’t have a romantic partner in your life.
Where you need to go this week: Try baking this weekend with coffee flour to impress your partner. Just don’t stick your head in the oven.
The eclipse this week will impact your financial planet, Jupiter, otherwise known as the empty, giant gas planet. Considering how empty your savings account is at the moment, we’d say it’s pretty fitting. One of your siblings will also have a big personal drama. It’s more than likely the same problem as last week.
Punch out your anger at the newest Yoxing class in Melbourne.
Where you need to go this week: Punch out your anger at the newest Yoxing class in Melbourne.
Money is the word this week Capricorns, so if you’ve been thinking about getting a sugar daddy, now is the time to do so. You’ll also be tempted by an exciting career opportunity that has absolutely zero relevance to your dreams and ambitions. If you succeed in sugar daddy hunting, we suppose it doesn’t really matter.
Where you need to go this week: Celebrate your newly inherited money by splurging on one of the Best Things You Didn’t Know You Could Do In Melbourne.
This week's lunar eclipse has you feeling all kinds of crazy, especially when it comes to actually saying what you mean. Fudging your words is only going to make life more confusing, so gather those mates who are in the dark over a few delicious bevvies and straighten out whatever's going on, even if it is just letting them know about your #friendshipfeels
Where you need to go this week: Lock in that pow-wow at one of Melbourne's most luxe happy hours. Because everything is better settled over a bargian espresso martini.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae