Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Wooooooahmygod how scary was that dream about hurtling to your death?!! Thankfully, what's in your head is often pretty far removed from reality. This week, remind yourself of that when it comes to even the littlest of daydreams and instead, get stuck into a to-do list of real-world goals and celebrate the little wins, even if they include managing to wear matching socks and remembering to buy washing powder.
Where you need to go this week: Get to one of Melbourne's best bakeries and buy yourself a cake/doughnut/cruffin for one. YOU DESERVE IT.
You left last month in the dust, Aries, and sped into April with a renewed sense of what you're all about. This week, it's time to enjoy yourself—have that extra helping of gelato, dance until dawn at your favourite bar, and generally celebrate your own awesomeness... Just hold fire on the regrettable selfies, yeah? Ain't nothing celestial karma can't fix!
Where you need to go this week: Everyone's favourite den of sin, the infamous Carlton Club.
While you might like to think you can deal with chaos, that floordrobe you've got going on, the unemptied dishwasher, and those bills you've neglected since Christmas are seriously taking toll on your mental wellbeing. Have a quiet week, for once, and nail the crappy jobs that you hate. Less mess = Less stress, people!
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere that will help you get your shit together: Grab a magic at your local cafe, then head to the bank, Ikea, or wherever else your to-do list takes you.
New, month, new you, Leo? Sounds like a good omen, but don't rush into anything too hastily. Some of the magic of March has blown over to April, but things are going to be a bit sluggish as the month progresses. Take a moment to set a few short term goals - they'll pay big dividends. In the love department, be a little more 'foot loose and fancy free' than you usually would be - people around you will pick up on it.
Where you need to go this week: Not sure where to start with those goals? These legends will help.
If your're feeling more whimsical than usual, it's with good reason. Gemini, your planet of love is doing a little dance in your eighth house, symbolising some extra movement within your dreams and secret desires. Go with it, grab any opportunity that comes your way and don't forget to smile at your barista.
Where you need to go this week: Go on a bit of an adventure, and check out a new suburb.
You stuffed yourself all weekend, didn't you, Cancer? We don't blame you. As your ruling planet moves through your outer orbit, you're probably feeling a bit lousey and a double dose of chocolate was exactly what you needed. Be kind to youself and make at least a little extra effort to get off the couch this week.
Where you need to go this week: Get out and about and check out your nearest hiking trail.
Prepare for some serious cupid-stalking Libras. The end of the Easter long weekend will see a streak of love-filled days, so if you’ve been a bit inactive on Tinder, it’s time to update that online profile picture. Friendships are set to be tested over the next week, no doubt because of your soon-to-be-blooming online romance.
Where you need to go this week: Need a new look for your first date? Try the latest trend – Funfetti Hair.
Feel like you're on a treadmill that's getting faster and faster and you're about to be spat out the back, Virgo? We feel ya'. March was crazy for you, but there appears to be some light at the end of the tunnel, with your ruling planet moving into a closer (and more steady) orbit. Take the reins and regain some control of your life; don't be afraid to be a bit more assertive than you usually would be. It'll pay off.
Where you need to go this week: Get some lafe advice and do something for yourself - the School Of Life is the perfect place to start
So we’re not going to lie Scorpios, the end of March is not looking great for the likes of your kind. A final eclipse is promised to bring a close encounter with death. Don’t worry, there’s only a small chance of it being literal. Still, if you have any extravagant travel plans, we’d cancel them just to be safe. Or just hole up in your room altogether.
Where you need to go this week: We think the chances of mortal injury at a puppy party is pretty low, so if you really need something to do, make travel plans for Melbourne’s first Puppy Party!
The moneyz will be rolling in come the weekend, Sagittarius. Whether that’s because your public holiday Easter pay has just hit your (depleted) bank account, or because of your recent raise, splurge a little this weekend on a little pampering. Foot massages, in particular, will bless you with high levels of energy according to the stars.
Where you need to go this week: Or if you’re not really a foot massage kinda gal, head to one of The Best Autumn Markets in Melbourne instead!
The end of March is promised to bring plenty of friction and drama between you and your parents, but we can’t imagine that’s anything new. It’s best to be patient with the people who brought you into this life, or havoc may reign throughout April.
Where you need to go this week: Mend those bridges with these Epic Cadbury Crème Egg Cupcakes!
How's that work crush treating you, Aquarius? While intellect/nice glasses/being able to fix the wifi is a perfectly valid reason for fancying the pants off someone you know is out of bounds, it's probably (read: definitely) a bad idea to try to act on it. Instead, vent to your mates and get some reassurance that mixing work and play is almost as ill-advised as mixing pina coladas and a robust Shiraz.
Where you need to go this week: HOME. Especially after Thursday/Friday night office drinks. It's a week for laying low and binging on podcasts.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin.
Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae