Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Positivity is where it's at this week, and nowhere could do with some good vibes more than your work space. Have you a gift for mixing up a cracking playlist? Baking some epic treats? Being the first person to suggest Friday bevvies in the office... at 10am? Maximise on your own personal talents to share a little optimism. Maybe via alcohol.
Where you need to go this week: Burnley's hub of happiness, Serotonin Eatery. Bring those good vibes with you, Aquarius!
Compromise doesn't mean defeat, my friends. While everything feels a bit 'all over the place,' this week it's time to give a little to get a little - especially if you're arguing over who broke the Apple TV, or having no success teeing up a Valentine's date. Just swipe right until the solar eclipse on Tuesday 23 February, when everything is guaranteed to go up shit creek and nobody can blame you for it.
Where you need to go this week: Pick up a tiny gift for that friend you pissed off by way of apology from one of Melbourne's top stores for flowers, trinkets and gifts.
You couldn't really be bothered, could you, Aries? You're all about not overdoing it this week, whether that's socialising, keeping fit, pulling out all the stops at work, or generally existing in a world that requires you to wear something other than pyjamas. And hey, who could blame you?
Where you need to go this week: Probably back to bed, hoping that you wake up on the right side of it this time. Just Netflix and chill.
Bada-BING, you crazy bulls! After a chilled weekend you are back on form and pretty stubbornly digging those hooves into a romantic prospect this week. Thinking of ditching that mid-week date, or opting out of cheesy Valentine's day plans? Don't - it's the best way to get rid of all that extra joie de vivre you've had for the past few days.
Where you need to go this week: Any bar with a beat will do, but our pick is Glamp cocktail lounge, where the bartender specialises in delicious cocktails made for two.
Oh Leo, you poor thing. It's been a crazy few days, hasn't it? If you're hanging out for some quiet time, you're going to need to hold out for the 15th. Saturn is entering your eastern quarter, so maybe head west? Wait, doesn't your Apple Maps show a compass? Anyway, work, love and money might be a bit topsy-turvey for a few more days.
Where you need to go this week: Grab some quiet time. Take a walk along the coast and grab breaky at Cafe Lafayette this weekend.
All that planning is paying off, Gemini! You stand to gain a lot when some upcoming savings, sound investments or special free offers present themselves. Shoes on sale count as an investment, right?
Where you need to go this week: Treat yourself at this top-notch Melbourne fashion boutique, safe in the guilt-free knowledge that you've earnt.
Have you got a Plan B, Cancer? You just might need it this week. Anyway, let's be honest - plan A wasn't that great. As things take a little while to settle, take your foot of the accelerator and be flexible. No, not that kind, no one is impressed by your yoga pretzel... If you've reached February and you're feeling a bit 'meh', treat yo'self.
Where you need to go this week: RELAX! Take some time out and go for a float.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is out of sync this week - so go with the awkward flow and don't let changes in your career or love life affect you too much. Nothing will be fixed or final for a few more days, so accommodate that in your plans with that Tinder 'maybe' for Valentine's Day.
Where you need to go this week: Don't put too much pressure on your self. Go somewhere relaxed for a quiet drink, and then eat all the gelato.
Look, admit it, you're a romantic - no matter how much you try to convince everyone otherwise. Plus, it's great timing that some moon thingy approached some house thingy in the stars yesterday AND it's V Day this weekend - because that all means it's time for some cosmic makeout sessions. Just make sure you lock your lover in for a spoon afterwards. Kanye had it right when he said to keep your #lovelockdown.
Where you need to go this week: PDA fest imminent - go somewhere that your pash-rash isn't out of order on the D-floor.
You're still in a bit of a rut, Scorpio - so it's time to get social this week. Bring the party to your house, because let's face it, you don't want to get out of your trackies for ANYONE rn. If you're planning a V Day date, cook a romantic dinner at home - and for god's sake, put on some pants. You need to take something off later.
Where you need to go this week: Invite your squad over and do online quizes like 'What your Netflix series says about you'.
You've been working a lil' too hard this year, Saggo - and you know what they say about cats and playtime, and something about drinking heavily because, depression. That's a saying, right? Speaking of speaking, you haven't been too good on the speak-talk. Soon, communicate amazing. Leave me alone, I'm a Saggo too.
Where you need to go this week: All work and no play makes Saggo a dull starsign.
When you're swimming in cashola, the first thing you have to do is make sure you're making the right decisions - like, buying a single, triple decker, choc berry cronut instead of 5 bags of Woolies' sugar-covered. It's all about quality this week Cap, not quantity.
Where you need to go this week: Ditch the Cons, and go luxe sneaker shopping at Sneakerboy.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae