Melbourne, you’re melting like the wicked witch, and even though life’s a mystery, it’s time to wipe the sweat off your mo’ and dabble in some astrology.
You're future might be uncertain, but our weekly Horoscopes isn't. Buckle up friends, here's what you’re *really* in for this week.
Libs, things are looking grim this week. Even though your bank balance is at an all-time high, your social life is at an all-time low. Coincidence? It’s time to put your big boy pants on and make a decision. Uber eats or a screen-free Sunday?
While you’re picking a side, we made a kick-ass list of everything to do this Sunday.
The stars have hinted a mid-week conundrum, the kind that pulls hard on the heartstrings. Scorpios, they might not text you back, and your boss will most likely not thank you for staying back (for the hundredth night in a row). Chin up buttercup, the stars didn’t crown you the fiercest in the universe for no reason.
Treat yourself, find solace at these incredible Indoor Plant Sales.
Sag's, it should be no surprise that people mistake your kindness for giving a sh*t. Quit the act, you need a break. This week the dumping ground is out of business and everyone needs to know. Whatever way you’d like to announce it, the planets are on your side.
Forget the rest at Victoria’s Best Day Spa Getaways. You deserve it.
Caps, the charts are loving you this week—they are literally screaming lucky. We suggest texting your crush and entering every single competition you come across. This universal love isn’t going to last forever so use and abuse (responsibly) friends!
Lucky for you, calories don’t count this week, indulge in a double beef burger and white chocolate lime daiquiri here.
It’s getting hot in here, Aquarians, and we’re not talking about the weather. Too many people, too many things, too many worries. To avoid an explosion (of your wellbeing and soul) the stars want you to take a deep breath and count to three.
Everyone is cramping your style, even AURA, in all the right ways.
Instagram is the best friend your mother warned you about, the mean girl you yearned to be (and simultaneously hated being around). Pisces, get off your explore page and book your own getaway. Everyone deserves to boomerang their besties pouting and faux glass clinking.
Leave your phone at home and immerse yourself in some old-fashioned nature, even if it’s just Alexandria Parade in Collingwood.
Cupid called and apologises for the sh*t storm that's about to unfold in your lap. Aries, your relationship (or lack thereof) might be on the rocks, but you know better than anyone that there’s no rainbow without a bit of rain. Brace yourself for a tough week, but hey, there’s nothing your besties and a tequila or ten can’t fix.
Listers, Tolarno just re-opened and have invited you to hide from your problems.
Taurus, your big mouth is going to get you in some serious trouble this week. People adore you for your honesty, but wowee some things are best kept secret. Your boss really doesn’t need to know how late you stayed out on the weekend or how you took the initiative to re-write the companies ‘list of values’.
Do you know what angry bosses love? Free knock-off drinks. You’ll be besties after a few gin and tonics.
Gems, we’ve noticed some hardcore self-control recently. We are totally impressed. Just in time for silly season, we suggest a day off and an extra serving of dessert.
If you’re stuck for ideas, you should check out the CBD’s riverside Aperol Spritz hot spot.
Cancers, the first round of excuses were cute. The second were creative. The third stank of BS. Eventually, your mates will stop calling and the universe will revoke all handouts.
Want to remind your friends how fun you are? How does an inflatable obstacle course sound?
Leos, it’s time make the transformation from cub to adult. It’s going to be a tough week—adulting is hard. We don’t want you to apply for your senior citizen card yet. Baby steps for the baby adult.
Before your back goes out, tick these 2017 Melbourne highlights off your bucket list.
Something smells fishy, Virgos. It’s either your grandpa’s feet or your ex. Either way you should lay low this week and dodge this suspicious resurfacing. It’ll be nice to get off grid, slow down and ponder life’s lessons.
A Bill Murraython is the perfect excuse to kick back and go into hiding.
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist