Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Apparently you're all about 'fun love' this week, you water-carrying wild child—which basically gives you the right to ghost on every semi-lame Tinder match or luke-warm Valentine's left-over that's cluttering up your inbox. Prioritise people who are fun with a capital 'f,' take a few frisky chances (and ditch the partners looking for marriage material... eurgh), and you'll be in a muuuuch better place than you were this time last month.
Where you need to go this week: On #allthedates. ANYWHERE.
While you might be all about new ideas, that career change to spiritual healing (or batik art, or dog whispering, or whatever else has been playing on your very open mind) is probably not the right move to be making now. Yeah, you'll be happy for about a week, but after that you'll be flat broke and treated by your social circle as if you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Adulting's hard, but hang on in there!
Where you need to go this week: Let your inner kid out to play at Bounce, take a course in flower crown making at Work Shop, do whatever you need to do that doesn't involve making a life-changing decision.
While the weekend was epic on all accounts, this week you've got to buckle down and nut out some of those personal hurdles that are getting in the way of the day-to-day. Constantly leaving the house without your phone? Still wearing that garish pink lippy you bought in 2007? *Always* ten minutes late to work? Sort the little issues out and the big things will fall into place automatically... or so the theory goes. Make sure you def throw that lippy out tho.
Where you need to go this week: Spend an hour on your couch browsing the app store and automating your life. Trust me, it's waaaay easier than actually using your brain and remembering stuff.
Family driving you up the walls, Taurus? If you're sick of your mum or dad reminding you that they'd bought their first house at your age while you're still living in a moth-infested shoebox in Brunswick, it's time to take a deep breath, talk it out (maybe over a glass of wine, or four...) and then move the f#ck on. Sure, the 'rents might've had a roof over their heads, but had they tried every freakshake, burger stack and banh mi in the three thousands? NOPE.
Where you need to go this week: The Break Room. Take out all that family frustration by smashing a few dinner plates with a baseball bat, then head to Sunday lunch with a smile on your face.
Keep the February energy high, you’re universal collar cycle is still waxing. Hopefully you’ve had a crack at some of those grand plans by now. If you’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from yourself, fear not, it’s not showing – you’re still popular as hell!
Where you need to go this week: Make the post of your social prosperity. Gather a bunch of mates and go dancing at this Richmond gem.
The end of February is running at you full-tilt, Gemini. Brace yourself and stay positive. Grab a wine and a bowl of carbs if need be, we think you’re going to need the energy for this weekend… read into that what you may. Maybe hide your cats first.
Where you need to go this week: Stock up on comfort food at this epic CBD Italian joint.
If your week has kicked off to a sluggish start, you’re not alone, Cancer. It's probably the universe’s cue to take things slowly and warm up to an epic weekend next weekend. That, or you need to stop eating five KFC hot wings boxes in one sitting. Be open to unexpected advances, you never know the delight they may bring. Like when the coffee guy gives you a free mocha-frappucino.
Where you need to go this week: Kick up your heels and enjoy a cocktail at one of our favourite dive bars.
We have some exciting news, Virgo. Love awaits you this week at a work or charitable event. We can’t confirm if this love will be in the form of prince charming or a new type of cupcake, but either way, we think it’s worth staying alert and going along to every event that presents itself. Good luck!
Where you need to go this week: Celebrate your new love this week with a delicious dessert.
Look Libra, we know you're all independent, blah blah. But now is the time to press pause on all of Destiny's Child's greatest hits and start thinking about collaboration: this week is the perfect time to ask people in the know about their point of view. Who knows, you may even learn something. Like the lyrics to Jumpin' Jumpin'.
I know you really want to kill that totally annoying person right now, but you'll have to settle for killing them with kindness. Because, you know, muder=bad and stuff. Also, apparently it's a week for ensuring you read the fine print—maybe on that friendship contract too. I think you missed that clause where they could be a d**k to you and get away with it.
Where you need to go this week: It's time to go solo at one of these great solo dining places.
It's been rough sailing lately Saggo, and your usual penchant for over-thinking things has been taking over your life. Basically this week will suck until Thursday when everything will magically become awesome. Look, that's what the book says, just trust me. It may have something to do with payday.
Where you need to go this week: It's all too hard. It's time to hit up one of Melbourne's best massage hot spots.
If you're a Cap who's looking for love this week, I have great news: long, romantic walks on the beach are forecast for Wednesday and Thursday. If you live miles from the beach, then you'd better hop in the car... Meanwhile, your mind is razor sharp this week—must be from all that relaxing contemplation on the beach then?
Where you need to go this week: Do your pre-research: here are all our top spots in St Kilda for romantic walk pre-game.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae