It’s a new season of Melbourne’s favourite housewives, and as we prepare ourselves for episode one we’re teased with a baby, a wedding, a new housewife, and a whole lot of drama. Basically, it’s our very own real life soap opera—but maybe worse. Which of course means better.
We open on Chyka’s bookclub (lol), which Jackie wears a fur coat to (lol). Thankfully, it's all just a conceit to introduce the new housewife: Susie Mclean. Her opening lines are basically: “I live in Toorak, everyone knows me in Melbourne, and every time I do a school pickup I get MILF shouted at me.” I love/hate her already.
There’s a cutaway montage of how much of a mad sportswoman she is—which apparently includes golf in a miniskirt, some light stretching in the park, and ballet in the exact same all-pink stockings/leotard ensemble I myself wore when I was 5. #somuchsportz
We transition to Pettifleur trying to make the Lydia/Shane Warne forbidden love storyline happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Meanwhile, back at the bookclub Janet drops a booty-call bomb, telling the intimate gathering of 6 (and the rest of the world) that Warney propositioned her for some sexytime over the phone. Ew.
After I scrub that image out of my brain with bleach-coated acid, Janet drops what will undoubtedly be the season’s best pun: She tells everyone she called Lydia a Ly-diot on Twitter. Lydiot confirms she, in fact, IS a genius, reportedly firing back with intellectual crackers like ‘Grandma’ and ‘Old Cow’.
With some deft editing we are immediately thrown back to Lydia and Pettifleur, as Lydia tells us two rights don’t make a right, and no one should be pre-assumpting something.
We are treated to a brief hello to Gamble next, who has decided to go with red for her wedding colour (perfect), and gets the pre-nup admission out of the way, right up front. She’s learning quickly on RHOM.
Meanwhile, Gina has found herself a useless PA called Josh—but to his credit I wouldn’t care about the distribution of her glitter stripper shoe line and #teamgina t-shirts either. She suggests Chemist Warehouse as the perfect place for her upcoming fragrance, proving yet again that she knows exactly where this train is headed.
“The Gina Liano fragrance needs to encapsulate the ultimate drag queen,” she tells us, whilst explaining that the person wearing it needs to smell ‘woody’. Yeah, I’m just going to leave that there…
Anyway, back to Lydiot, whose poor housekeeper has been told that her new job is to be Lydia’s personal driver—followed by a disappointed appraisal of the cleaner’s Suzuki Swift, in which she points out it doesn’t handle corners as well as her Porsche. She quickly skips over a reference to the fact her husband has taken away her Porsche, probably because he was unimpressed by being told that cricketers are hot. ARE THEY? Yeah, she doesn’t deserve that Porsche, you go Mr Lydiot.
The housecleaner drives her to Susie’s bake day, and Lydia gets into the backseat of her Suzuki, which is totally lol.
The bake day kicks off when Susie straight up asks Lydia if she’s having an affair with Shane Warne. This chick is juicy, excellent casting.
Susie somehow gets out of a shitfight, while Grandma and Lydiot sit down to argue about their Twitter war from months ago—then Gamble and Pettifleur decide they’re jealous they’re not getting any screen time out of this, so they hijack the argument and make it about them. Pettifleur introduces Gamble’s Season 3 nickname, SugarDaddy.com. Jackie makes a lot of shocked faces, clearly seeking an Oscar for face-acting.
The episode ends brilliantly with Susie calling Pettifleur and SugarDaddy.com ‘peri-menopausal twits’, and Gamble screaming ‘f*ck you Pettifleur,’ whilst Jackie makes more shocked faces.
This is going to be a great season.
Want more LOLs? Read our letter to autocorrect, which is totally ruining our lives.
Photo credit: Foxtel