We begin the second episode of the season by fondly remembering the beautiful train wreck that was Episode 1. Much drama, many LOLs. Oh god, I wish this was my life, I’d be so entertained.
Opening on Jackie and the terrible generalisation that there’s something inherently wrong with a woman if she hasn’t delivered multiple spawn before her 12th birthday, Jackie’s mum reveals she’s flown to Melbourne with the explicit intention to bully her daughter into procreating for her own selfish reasons. Because we all know, older women have an insatiable appetite for grandchildren. Nobody knows exactly why, but it’s 100% not so they can cook them. * Usually *
Jackie’s mum refers to the couple, now cornered in their own home and forced to talk about an incredibly personal matter for the passing amusement of EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA, as ‘youse’, which is probably the only funny thing about this whole exchange.
Jackie asks her mum what would happen if she decided she didn’t want children, and her mum tells her firmly ‘you can’t do that’, whilst crying, and also ensuring it’s really clear that this decision to create and sustain a life inside your body really has nothing to do with Jackie. Or even Ben, really. I mean, Jackie just saying this is probably the biggest disappointment in her mum’s life—like, whatever with your rockstar husband and Porsche and reality TV show and celestial gift of reading minds and burgeoning cocktail empire. You’re still a failure, Jackie, ‘cause GIMME DEM GRANDCHILDREN, I’M HUNGRY, GIRL.
So… this is awkward, let’s move on.
Next up, Lydia has graduated to the front seat of her cleaner/occasional chauffeur Joanna’s Suzuki Swift. Wow, she’s such an understanding rich housewife who has nothing to do other than be driven around with her tiny clothed whippet. Lydia, not creepily at all, states that Joanna isn’t allowed to leave her, because she has possession of Joanna’s passport.
They’re on the way to buy Lydia’s new Porsche, now that her husband has confirmed she hasn’t bonked Shane Warne. OR HAS SHE I’M SURE THAT STORYLINE WILL CONTINUE IMMINENTLY.
She awkwardly kisses her husband on arrival, just like you would kiss your grandfather if you both accidentally went the same way, and then tried desperately to avoid the lips. Lydia’s voice over demands “my husband is madly in love with me, and I keep him busy, I keep him REALLY busy.” Ew, gross.
She goes on and on with a bunch of car related double entendres, telling us she likes to drive them ‘fast’ and ‘hard’ and that buying them is ‘like foreplay’ and she likes the ‘topless’ ones, which definitely in no way convinces us that she doesn’t in fact keep her husband REALLY busy at all.
Gina and Pettifleur meet up for dinner and have some boring conversation where they both justify being bitchy by saying they’re quick witted (Pettifleur, LOL) and just have a great sense of humour (Gina, LOL).
Janet goes to Jackie and Ben’s house to talk about how her ex-husband is booty calling her or something. Pettifleur has a chat to her son about the fact that he moved out because she’s a nightmare, let’s just be honest. I mean, she has paintings of herself all over the house, it’s truly frightening.
Three of the whitest women on the cast (Gamble, Chyka and Susie) meet at the whitest place on earth (Pottery Barn) to look at potential wedding presents for Gamble. Oops, we’re missing the other white one—but don’t worry, Lydia has arrived to defend herself to old frenemy Susie.
Dramatic music looms over the slow panning shot of Pottery Barn’s shop logo (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say), and it’s time for a Lydia/Susie smackdown. Lydia repeatedly asks Susie why she’s ‘doing this’, as if it’s not entirely because their job on RHOM is to create dramatic headlines by inserting themselves into other people’s business.
Janet meets her ex husband for lunch, where he attempts to say that the reason he cheated was because ‘in his perception’ they were already broken up. Her perception, meanwhile, was that he hadn’t said anything about breaking up at all. She was continuing her life assuming they were in fact married whilst still cooking and cleaning for him, mainly because she’s not a mind reader?
The most LOL thing about the lunch is watching Janet attempt to move her face. It looks painful.
He makes a point of emphasising the following words in his statement: Whilst we were TOGETHER I never SLEPT with another WOMAN. Hmmmmm I’m gonna leave that there. Oh wait, he’s now admitting he had ‘happy endings’ when he travelled to Asia… from a Turkish wrestler? Oh em gee this is so fkn weird.
Janet tells us she was ‘spewing’ because he was paying for happy endings while she was giving them away for free at home—so he probably owes her a coupla-hungy thousand dollaz. Story of all of our lives, gurl.
Pettifleur invites Janet, Jackie, Chyka and Susie horseriding, and as Chyka points out, it’s probably just so Pettifleur can bust out her #bespoke outfit straight from the cover of Horse and Stable. Meanwhile, Jackie wears a white polar bear fur. HA.
Back at Lydia’s house, she has hired a bunch of people to be her friends for the day. I mean, take photos of her in a sex kitten outfit for her ‘blog’. Same difference?
Gamble arrives to talk about Susie, and Lydia tries to appear serious whilst wearing cat ears and waving her overly-ring-encrusted fingers about. Gamble points out that Susie has ‘gung up on her’ and may have a 'van-detta', which presumably means a vendetta using a van in some way?
Jackie finally grows some cojones this season, and delivers the news to the horseriding group that Lydia has bitched about every single one of them behind their backs. This bomb is followed by about 24 seconds of incomprehensible screeching—which is apparently a preview of next week’s episode.
OH GOD I CAN’T WAIT A WHOLE WEEK. I guess I’ll see you all then…
Photo credit: YouTube, Foxtel