We're back, and more annoying than ever with the Real Housewives of Melbourne live blog, as we open on Gamble witching up some voodoo on Janet. Apparently putting a picture of an old woman in the freezer helps stop them annoying you. Note to self: try this with my mum? Meanwhile, it hasn't helped with her Pettifleur relations, graduating the nickname 'Black Widow' to 'murderer', because they're definitely the same thing. "She's calling me a murderer now," says SugarDaddy.com. Yep, sounds about right.
Gamble's gay stepson inserts himself into the storyline seamlessly by discussing his multiple partners with his parents, like, totes casual. He also delivers a one-liner about the imminent 12-tier wedding cake and the fact none of Gamble's friends will eat it because #carbs. ZING! Well done Luke, you're allowed screen time during the wedding special now.
We flash to Gina walking through the hallowed halls of Chemist Warehouse (#blessed), to listen in on her perfume presentation. Gina rightly identifies that garlic is "not the essence of Gina", so they settle on banana fruit salad, which is much more on brand.
We're treated to another look at Pettifleur's creepy fan art as her sister arrives at her penthouse. They sit on opposite sides of the room to one another and have a boring conversation filled with
love and warmth terse awkwardness in which her sister calls her fat. Ah, family. Her sister hits the nail on the head, telling Pettifleur to "be normal" and that she's "up herself". Pettifleur definitely does not think she's self-absorbed, whilst also admitting to her sister that after eight years in the same job she has no idea where she works. Well, look, she probably doesn't work at Chanel so who cares tbh.
OH GOD WE'RE TALKING ABOUT JACKIE'S UTERUS AGAIN. BORING.
Sorry, what? I blacked out during that last segment, something about Jackie not being pregnant but talking about it a lot. Let's move onto the not at all f-ed relationship between Lydia and her housekeeper Joanna. Lydia gets her new Porche delivered (even though it's really just a poisonously expensive soccer mum 4WD) and toes the border of sexual harassment with her Porche salesman. She decides he's "in awe" of her, asking him if the suspension is "stiff" and calling him a "rude boy". Ewwwwwwwwww, mummmmmmmm.
She then starts yelling "chung chung, ching ching" at Joanna, and we're going to leave that one there kthanxbai.
Janet meets up with her ex-husband's daughter who rolls her eyes a lot, says WTF way too emphatically, and does not wear large gold hoops well. Look, we've all been there. She seems a little too keen to Parent Trap Janet and her dad back into a relationship. Yay! Where are the Lindsay-twins?! Let's do this.
Gamble has a cocktail party, so of course Pettifleur shows up engulfed in a white fur snowball with a matching white fur Russian hat. Lydia pats her on the head like a dog, and Susie describes her as an "albino ewok". Lydia asks Pettifleur to 'talk', which means it's kick off time! Lydia says everyone has been bitching about Pettifleur behind her back (true), and Jackie inserts herself into the conversation to say that, in fact, they've been bitching about her to her face (also true).
The whole group descends into loud screeching. Me RN:
Lydia decides the best way out of this confrontation is to bring up that Jackie is from Newcastle. OH NO SHE DI'NT. Jackie counters with a (totes Newcastle) comeback that Lydiot came out of her mum's pitchka. This is getting good.
Oh man, Gamble tries to be the adult and calms everything down by inviting them onto the balcony to collect their invitations to her wedding. I'd rather she had just whispered loudly, 'fight fight fight'. They are all handed invitations—including Pettifleur—and for some reason Pettifleur gives hers back, even though she was the one being mean to Gamble. It's all very confusing for a second, until Gamble grabs her invitation off her, throws it over her shoulder and screams 'get f**ked!'
Ah, there's the RHOM cast I know and love. Unfortunately we have to wait until next week to finish this one off, but it was just enough for a Sunday night. Was it as good for you as it was for me? *lights cigarette*
Photo credit: Foxtel