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Live Blog: Real Housewives Of Melbourne Ep9, S3

By Bianca O'Neill - 18 Apr 2016

real housewives of melbourne season 3 episode 9

Welcome, people who don't want to actually watch RHOM to know how ridiculous it is.

After a recap of exactly how much all the housewives hate Pettifleur (just in case you missed that fact), this week we cold-open mid-argument in the Dubai desert on Gina yelling ‘Friendship 101’ over and over again at PF. Which is ironic, considering Gina could probably take that course herself. I’d say lesson one centres around ‘don’t host a viewing party of yourself on Celebrity Apprentice that steals away your best friend’s wedding guests the night before her wedding.’

Pettifleur rightly bangs her hands on the table and screams ‘STOP THE FUCK!' Gurl, I can’t tell you how often I’ve wanted to scream that at someone. After some dramatic ugly crying, she accuses the other housewives of being childish whilst telling them that they’re all super mean bully heads for picking on her.

Gina’s had enough. I mean, there’s been NO mention of her new fragrance so far this episode, and we’re already 4 minutes in. She embraces her professional barrister’s demeanour and slams her own hand on the table, screaming “YOU NEED TO SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.” I guarantee that’s won her a few cases in her time, very barrister, many authority.

Due to the fact that everyone else is being so childish, Pettifleur lies under the table and puts her hands over her eyes. Just like an IRL adult.

Gamble decides to change the subject by announcing that she’s written a song for Suzie and her baking minions at the Toorak Country Women’s Association branch. Oh god, this is excellent, I literally clap my hands out loud in anticipation for the car crash to come. Everyone is relieved that Gamble is making herself look like a weirdo so they can stop talking about/to Pettifleur.

That performance must have killed the dinner because we’re launched straight into a boring discussion with Chyka’s hubby and son about his sexual awakening in Amsterdam. Ew. Srsly tho, I wish they’d stop letting Chyka’s kids on the TV, this isn’t KUWTK, and Chessie is no Khloe K. However much she thinks she is.

Speaking of Chyka, we flash forward to two separate groups, none of them with Pettifleur, pretending to shop in the souks of Dubai. YEAH RIGHT YOU’RE GOING TO BUY THAT GOLD NECKLACE WORTH $123K. Chyka is still pissed that Pettifleur called her frumpy and is obsessed with her lips (tbh, it is a bit creepy), while Gina tries to trap everyone in her group into saying mean things about Pettifleur. It’s really so that Gina can frame the zinger she’s about to drop: “Well,” says G, matter-of-factly to camera, “I can’t breastfeed the whole world.”

That being said, if she breastfed PF, it might keep her mouth shut for a bit? NOPE. No such luck, we are subjected to more eye-rolling over-dramatic victim-isms as Lydia approaches PF at the Atlantis pool. Lydia is clearly either a sadist, or looking for some more camera time.

“I feel like I’ve been through a tumble dryer” - Pettifleur

“I barely survived” - PF

“I’m so strong, I can relax here, taking in the beauty of life” - Most annoying woman in the world

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh, here we go, I was wondering why Lydia was here—it’s so she can talk about how awesome and successful her “blog” is, and how she’s such a quiet achiever, and no one gives her credit for it. I’m just going to leave this link here without any comment about her #assets. At all.

Chyka, Jackie, Suzie, Gamble and Janet head to the centre for cultural understanding, and Janet immediately shows how much she understands their culture by commenting on how hot the sheikh is and declaring she could have "ridden that camel ALL DAY." Jackie isn't really interested in all the cultural info, and is instead looking at the food on the table like Janet is looking at the sheikh.

They all try on a veil and Jackie announces perhaps the only benefit immediately apparent to this group: that you probably wouldn't need to get botox if you wore one all the time. Then she smashes a bunch of food. I think I want to marry her?

Oh god, another dinner commences. I need a fresh Chardy for this.

Pettifleur begins talking about how mean everyone is being to her AGAIN, and this time it's Janet who tells her to fudge off. She also coins a potential new nickname: "the bottomless pit". PF responds by being sweet as pie and hugging her and Gina? I'm so confused. Now Gamble is asking Gina why they're not friends anymore for some reason, probably because she wants a hug too. #JEALOUS

Gina starts yelling at Gamble, then Chyka yells at Gina, then Jackie decides it's the perfect time to drag Lydia and Suzie into the mess because they're clearly not close enough to this being an ALL OUT CROSS TABLE SHIT FIGHT. 

Jackie starts to slam down. And you know that goss is juicy 'cause she won't repeat it and all the other women look on knowingly, nodding. Argh, to be a fly on the wall when the cameras stop rolling... Gina delightfully weighs in by saying it's no big deal if her partner was checking out Lydia's ass, because it's so huge it's hard to miss. ZING.

Chyka slams down next—apparently because the rumours Lydia has been spreading are about her, are viscious, and are unfounded. No more Switzerland... Chyka leaves the table, Jackie follows close behind, and Chyka mumbles that she's been waiting a year and a half to do that. 

The episode ends with Jackie exclaiming that Lydia is a F-ing C---. And here we are again, C-Town, next stop AMAZINGNESS. End scene. See you next week, lovers!

Want to read more of our RHOM recaps? Check out the first one here, and work your way through. You're welcome.

Photo credit: Arena TV, RHOM

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