The 7 Worst People You’ll See At The Australian Open

By Millie Lester
25th Jan 2017


It’s Australian Open season, which means the hooligans are out in full force. Here are 7 to look out for:

1. Simmo, Who Is The Second ‘E’ In The ‘Genie Army’.

Simmo and his mates used to hate ‘chicks tennis’, except one day they saw a picture of Genie Bouchard on Facebook and thought she was ‘pretty alright’, so last night Simmo shaved an ‘E’ into the back of his head because he didn’t think the t-shirt was enough.

When Simmo’s not tagging his friends in “cash me ousside howbow dah” memes, he’s selling his old Xbox games on Gumtree to afford his Falls Festival ticket this year. Simmo and the boys won’t leave the ground until they’ve started and sustained a three-lap Mexican wave on at least two separate occasions throughout the day.

2. Michelle, Who Got Front Row Tickets At Centre Court From Work And Turns Up An Hour Into The Men’s Semi-Finals.

Michelle would rather be watching Fifty Shades Darker at Gold Class with the girls after a few chardies at the Lucky Coq tonight, but everyone from the office was given tickets to the tennis and she’s not about to give them an opportunity to bitch about her behind her back.

When Michelle’s not getting up for a G&T every fifteen minutes, she’s sending photos of the players’ calves to her friends in a group chat and tossing up whether or not to sign up for Hello Fresh.

3. Sharee-Ruby-Lee-Maree, Who Is Wearing Her Face Paint From Yesterday So She Can Spend More Money On Jacobs Creek Savvy B’s.

Sharee-Ruby-Lee-Maree pulled a four-day sickie from work and dragged all three of her kids out of school to see Roger Federer at the tennis this week. She wears both her ground pass and her mobile phone on a lanyard around her neck and spends most of the day complaining loudly about the price of bottled Diet Coke.

When Sharee-Ruby-Lee-Maree’s not entering radio competitions for free tickets to John Farnham’s Red Hot Summer Tour, she’s circling long-life milk specials in the Woollies catalogue and sharing “dog see’s owner after three-year deployment” videos on Facebook.

4. Alan, Who Won’t Feel Happiness Until His Daughter Wins Thirty Grand Slams.

Alan has had a rough year on the farm and has decided to invest all his time into training his seven-year-old daughter to become a tennis world champion. He spends every morning dragging his daughter to Serena Williams’ practice sessions, throwing tennis balls at her while she sleeps to improve her reflexes and shaving her head every fortnight to minimise the weight she’s carrying on the court.

Regardless of the fact that she can’t even spell Australian Open yet, he’s confident that with enough verbal abuse and manipulation, she’ll have earned at least $10 million in prize money by 23 and he’ll be able to pay off his enormous overdraft.

5. Alistair, Who Wears Binoculars In The Third Row Of Rod Laver Arena.

Alistair takes a photo in front of the court with a different person at every change of end because today he’s in his favourite bright green slacks, crocodile leather brogues and maroon velvet jacket and he wants the world (Facebook) to know about it.

When Alistair’s not out-styling the Home & Away cast at Rod Laver Arena, he’s stopping to pat strangers’ Labradoodles on the street and playing a regular extra at The Block auctions to support his growing addiction to organic yoghurt.

6. Tailah, Whose Favourite Tennis Player Is Ricky Ponting.

Tailah hasn’t actually seen a tennis court all week because she spends the whole time getting drunk at the Canadian Club Racquet Club with friends from school. In her down time, Tailah enjoys posting upside-down selfies of half her face on Instagram with a strong Gingham filter, sending off her Boohoo clothing returns three months late and incessantly telling people to watch her Snap story.

When she’s not heckling people on public transport after a few vodka lime sodas at the tennis, she’s voting for Taylor Swift in the Hottest 100 and Googling how many carbs are in a medium Crust tandoori chicken pizza.

7. Mick Tyrgios, Whose Tennis Game Is Largely Affected By Whether Or Not He’s Wearing His Favourite Shorts.

Mick is the only tennis player in the top 100 who doesn’t have a coach and attributes his success in tennis to playing basketball in the off-season. Mick enjoys throwing whole match sets to get back at his brother for not packing the right playing clothes, collecting more code violations than match wins and putting more effort into eyebrow grooming than on-court etiquette.

When he’s not hitting through-the-legs shots (because f*ck it), he’s reminding fans he doesn’t owe them anything and apologising to his family in post-match press conferences.

Sounds like someone you've come across? You can track down all of our '7 worst' articles right here.

Image credit: Sports Illustrated

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