I’ll be honest with you, Listers. I think Tinder is a great way to meet people, and I know of a fair few Tinderellas who have met passable Prince Charmings thanks to the right-swipe of romance. But I also know—as I’m sure you do—heaps of people that have had dates from hell.
Read on for seven Tinder dates you’re guaranteed to have if you’re swiping in Melbourne…
Date #1: The Private-Schooled Wine Snob
City Wine Shop, Melbourne CBD
Their family has a stake in a Yarra Valley vineyard, which comes in handy when they want litres of booze to swig by the crystal glassful at their Portsea holiday house. Before you’ve found a seat, they’ll have asked you where you studied, then immediately made up their mind on whether you’re worth procreating with. They’ll make the City Wine Shop bar staff talk through obscure European regions so they can correct their pronunciation. You’ll stay for one drink because they’ll have picked something from an incredibly rare vintage so one is all you can afford.
#2: The Green-Juice Guzzling Gym Junkie
They won’t compromise their high-protein diet for anyone, so when they do finally block out an hour in their training schedule to meet up, you’ll be heading to superfood cafe Patch. While nibbling on a breakfast salad, you’ll have to listen to them explain the benefits of a fitness program that sounds like a torture regime fresh from Guantanamo. If you’re the sort that doesn’t believe in dry Tinder dates (alcohol is right up there with my wallet, my keys and my phone when it comes to date night essentials), you’re out of luck because it’ll be, like, 9am so that they can make that mid-morning gym session. They’ll say ‘pumped’ a lot. You’ll work really hard not to scream.
Date #3: The Animal-Loving, Planet-Saving Vegan Hippie
Lentil As Anything, Abbotsford
You will agree to a date at Lentil As Anything because a) Lentil is delish, and b) you want to meet someone who’s ‘in touch with their feelings,’ but the warning signs start when they text you, ‘im here got us a talbe see ya soon excitzinnngggg!!!’. Inspired by Lentil’s ‘pay as you feel’ approach, they’ll tell you they do the same at Woolworths, stuffing their recycled toilet roll down their fisherman’s pants. They’ll be wearing at least two items of clothing that have the Sea Shepherd’s logo on them and, when discovering that your shoes are made of real leather, they’ll start to sob.
Date #4: The Multi-PhD Qualified Intellectual
Gerald’s Bar, North Carlton
After wasting your entire data allowance deliberating the pros and cons of pretty much every bar in Melbourne, you’ll finally decide to meet in Gerald’s Bar, North Carlton, based on the fact that it’s near-ish to Melbourne University and only plays vinyl records. Your date will have gotten there early so that they can make it to the second-hand bookshop, where they will have picked up a mind-numbingly dull journal on socio-political models of 18th century Eastern Europe and their relevance to, um, nothing at all really. You’ll talk about Myers-Briggs and Higgs boson without ever figuring out the difference between the two. The only point you’re allowed to laugh is when you leave.
Date #5: The Bush Doof Party-Goer
Section 8, Melbourne CBD
They’ll suggest meeting at CBD alley bar Section 8 at 10pm because their magic mushroom come-down from the night before will have subsided by then. The conversation will revolve around a mix of Rainbow Serpent stories (theirs) and normal-people ice-breakers (yours). They’ll talk a lot about embracing life before taking you to some weird psy-trance party in Brunswick, where you’ll lose them in a puff of furry legwarmers and glitter. You’ll wake up the next day wondering if it was a date, or some tripped-out nightmare.
Date #6: The Banker, Lawyer or High-Paid City Exec
The Adelphi, Vue de Monde or MoVida, Melbourne CBD
They’ll have dropped their salary and/or job title into conversation before you’ve taken the convo off Tinder. When you lock in a date, they’ll tell you to ‘dress up’ and include a wink-face emoji to show that they’re ‘cheeky’ (ugh…). You’ll go to either The Adelphi, Vue de Monde or MoVida, where you’ll be plied with over-priced alcohol and tiny plates of food. They’ll hint that you won’t need to order that Uber home before inviting you back to their deluxe CBD rooftop apartment that’s within walking distance, You will go because why the hell not, and then never contact them again.
Date #7: The Just-About-Speaks-English Backpacker
Somewhere disgusting, St Kilda
You have two options: Either tell them your friend’s cat just died via miaows and mime, and escape after ten minutes, or commit to drinking as many backpacker drinks specials as it takes to have a fluent conversation.
Know of any other typical Melbourne Tinder dates? I’d love to hear about them! Drop me a line with your stories here.
Image credit: MemeGenerator