Every year, horse racing brings together an eclectic range of our state’s most colourful people. Keep your eye out for these bloody idiots:
1. Lisa, who thinks it’s ok to wear navy blue on Derby Day.
Lisa thinks dress codes don’t apply to her, she’s had her race day outfit planned for four months and thinks black washes her out and makes her ankles look big. When she’s not being a fashion deviant, Lisa likes having a chardy at the Kooyong Tennis Club with the girls and can often be seen walking her Labraschnoodle along Toorak Road after dropping the boys at school.
2. Koby, who is so blind he tapped off the tram with his Medicare card.
Koby thinks the secret to a good race day is arriving eight Jim Beam and cokes deep. He spent the morning ‘sinking tinnies’ with the boys at Zack’s house and got his sister to style his hair for him before she left for her hairdressing apprenticeship. In his downtime, Koby likes to cut laps in his ‘modified’ 2006 Holden Commodore and write rap songs in his parents’ chalet.
3. Felicia, who’s only at the races because her friends are.
Felicia would rather be logging a sesh at Revolver than be at the races, but all her friends are here and it’s probably a good opportunity for a new profile picture anyway. Felicia hasn’t eaten for a week to fit into her Lucyinthesky baby blue layered romper, and on top of that, it took her two weeks to find a black leather choker that matches her Lipstik platforms. Felicia learnt how to contour from Youtube videos, and gets paid to do her friends’ makeup on the weekends.
4. Crystal-Maree, who spends most of the day barefoot.
Crystal-Maree thinks the races is the perfect place to host her best friend’s Hens Party. She’s a bit mouthy from all the mimosas she had with the girls at breakfast, and slightly annoyed that her maid of honour sash clashes with her peach bodycon dress, but it’s Amanda’s day and she’s determined to rise above it because she got the day off work and her husband has agreed to look after the kids instead of getting inebriated at the local hotel.
5. Annette, who would rather die of hypothermia than wear a jacket.
Annette spent the last fortnight doing a juice fast and Googling ‘where to get the most authentic spray tan in Melbourne’. She’s in the eighth week of an Ashy Bines Bikini Body challenge and enjoys telling her friends about the advantages of a vegan diet and morning crunches. When Annette isn’t insisting that “it’s not that cold” and telling people her tan is real, you can find her complaining about the confronting levels of violence in Game of Thrones.
6. Todd, who’s wearing an all white three-piece suit.
Todd used the money he was going to spend on his mum’s birthday present to buy a new pair of Fox Racing sunglasses because he’s determined not to go home alone tonight. He and his friends enjoy ranking random ‘Sheilas’ out of ten loudly when they walk past, and disassembling and reassembling their BMX bikes on weekends. Todd has seen every single episode of Pimp My Ride and last wore his suit six years ago at his neighbour’s deb.
7. Jim, who spent the whole day on the phone to his wife because he lost all his money in a ‘sure thing’ trifecta.
Jim is a business owner and manager who’s had one too many champers in the Bird Cage. He and his wife have been married for twenty-three years next April and have recently begun couples therapy because she doesn’t think they’re ‘connecting’ anymore. Jim repeatedly flirts with the waitresses and has on more than one occasion asked the DJ to play Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat Out of Hell’.
Image credit: Metro