It’s that time of year again. The time when every friend, co-worker and vague acquaintance seems to be on a food depriving mission – whether it’s cutting calories or cutting carbs.
If you’re one of the many about to embark on a diet – here are six stages you’ll have to get through first. Prepare for the good, the bad, and the very, very hangry.
As you eat your way through (another) packet of Tim Tams while watching reruns of The Bachelorette, you decide that tomorrow is the day you’re going to start your diet. You’re determined to stick to it, chocolate cookies be damned.
You Google your way through a brunch of healthy looking meals, thinking the whole time that this won’t be so bad. That kale and broccoli salad actually looks delicious.
You eat one more chocolate biscuit before bed, since the diet starts tomorrow and all.
Someone has brought brownies to work because they’ve clearly missed your diet memo. You tell anyone who will listen that you’re on a diet now, partly because you’re proud of yourself for taking this step and partly because you know that a few days down the track, you’ll need someone to remind you that you’ve told every human in your vicinity that you’re not allowed doughnuts.
No to the brownies, no to pub lunch and no to ice cream for dessert. You’re feeling pretty chuffed by your power to deny.
It’s been a while since you’ve held any artificial sugars in your hands, let alone your favourite chocolate bar. You feel insurmountable rage towards anyone (your housemate) eating something delicious. And they’re eating something delicious all. the. time.
You’ve become snappy for no apparent reason, and when someone suggests that perhaps it would be better for you to nibble on a candy bar, you throw an emotion tantrum that’s 100% their fault. Obviously.
Becoming a walking, talking adult-child has drained your energy and all you want (need) is some sugar, preferably in the form of baked goods.
You’re sick and tired of your droopy salads but you won’t admit it, so you push around kale leaves at your desk for hours before chewing your way through teensy, rabbit-sized portions, in the hope that it’ll make it taste more palatable. It doesn’t.
You eat a chocolate bar. And then a packet of chips. And then half of everything in your fridge, freezer and pantry. You’ve already lost the plot so what’s the point in stopping at one scoop of ice-cream when you can eat the tub?
You try to feel a little guilty, but you honestly couldn’t care less.
Give Up, Or Repeat
You either jump back on the diet wagon, or set the diet wagon on fire - because what is life without great food?