Funny

38 Things That Are So Melbourne It Hurts

By Clare Acheson - 29 Oct 2015

Melbourne, you’re beautiful, but boy, do you have your quirks. With a passion for food, fitness, footy and, um, financially unfeasible face creams, you’re a curious beast of a city that we simply can’t get enough of!

Wondering what comes to mind when we consider the things that only Melburnians will understand? Whether they cause an eye-roll or a giggle, here are 34 of our favourite things that are totally, undeniably Melbourne.

#1: Stuffing your face with dumplings at Shanghai Village and feeling super-chuffed that you only spent $15.

#2: Taking a daytrip to the Dandenongs, then spending the entirety of the next week asking people if they know just how beautiful nature is.

#3: Forgetting the footy’s on and getting stuck in traffic on Punt Road for what feels like an eternity.

#4: Swearing at your Uber driver because S/HE forgot that the footy’s on and has got you both stuck in a Punt gridlock.

#5: Getting ground passes for the Australian Open but never making it to a court. That Heineken tent is just so damn tempting…

#6: Ending up in The Carlton Club mere days after swearing you’ll never end up in The Carlton Club again.

#7: Turning up for dinner soaked to the skin because Melbourne weather means that when it rains, it pours, but only at freak intervals.

#8: Turning up for dinner dripping in sweat because Melbourne weather. Heatwaaaaave surprise, people!

#9: Spending a whole day on the north/south-side of the river that you don’t live on and feeling like a tourist. Isn’t travel magical!?

#10: Accidentally spending the equivalent of a month’s rent in Aesop on a new skin regime that you don’t really understand but LOVE the smell of.

#11: Accidentally spending the equivalent of a month’s rent in 2XU because fitness.

#12: Saying you’re going for a ‘quick bike ride’ and spending the next 6 hours lost on the Capital City Trail (WHERE am I meant to go when the trail crosses the train tracks, huh???).

#13: Having a crisis because your local café has run out of Bonsoy.

#14: Having a crisis because your local café has run out of matcha.

#15: Having a crisis because your local café has run out of gluten-free breakfast options.

#16: …Just having a crisis in your local café.

#17: Realising that your Tinder crush is in fact your local barista, and when he says he’s a sous chef at a top inner city restaurant, he means he makes the sandwiches at a Degraves Street café.

#18: Freaking out and texting everyone you know about the latest Jetstar flight deals.

#19: Saying you loved Smith Street five years ago, but really, you’d never been there until they opened that Messina.

#20: Spending a lot of your student days eating at Lentil As Anything.

#21: Saying you’re packing in your day job to start a food truck, then never actually doing it. 

#22: Starting an Etsy business selling brightly coloured resin jewellery, then realising there are approximately 36,482 Etsy sellers doing the same thing.

#23: Buying all the plants in Ceres as soon as spring arrives, then spending the whole summer desperately trying to keep them alive.

#24: Running for the table by the window at your local café because natural light is better for Instagramming your brunch.

#25: Trying to eat all the Nutella everything that Melbourne’s café scene has to offer, then feeling ill for days.

#26: Ordering an almond milk coffee and faking that you enjoy drinking it.

#27: Ordering a strong cold drip and realising that it’s the rocket fuel that’s been missing from your life.

#28: Re-evaluating whether any taco/Korean fried chicken/gelato is really worth queuing for 90 minutes for as you approach your 89th minute in a restaurant queue.

#29: Spending a whole Monday at either Cinema Nova or Kino, watching $6 movies back-to-back.

#30: Saying you’ll get up early and go to the beach, but instead ending up sunbathing on the median strip outside your house.

#31: Going into a state of panic when you hear there’s going to be a tram strike.

#32: Buying a designer cookbook that you’ll only ever cook one recipe out of.

#33: Wondering why you thought going to the Richmond Ikea on a Sunday was ever a good idea…

#34: Having a debate about whether coconut water really does hydrate you more than regular water.

#35: Reminiscing about chaotic nights out at St Jerome’s bar.

#36: Starting a blog that you hope will become the next Design Files, then realising that none of your mates live in pristine, beautifully decorated homes. 

#37: Walking for 30 mins to find somewhere to top up your Myki, then realising that you could've just walked to where you were going to take the tram to in the same amount of time.

#38: Proudly announcing to non-Melbourne dwelling visitors that they’re in the greatest city in the world, then proceeding to show them around the most incredible cafes, restaurants, galleries, landmarks, shops and bars to explain why!

If you loved this, check out 47 Things You Should Have To Do Before You Call Yourself A Melburnian

Image credit: Fen10

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