41 Things That Annoy Every Melburnian

By James Shackell
2nd May 2017


There's a lot that can annoy the average Melburnian. We're a pretty grumpy bunch, really. Apparently we live in the world's most liveable city, but a quick glance around the place and it's obvious there's room for improvement practically everywhere, starting with the traffic (remember when peak hour used to be an actual hour?) and working your way up. People say every cloud has a silver lining, but those people probably live in Perth, where clouds are like a freak event that old people have to explain to children. Melbourne clouds are lined with rain and despair. 

Here are 41 things that annoy every Melburnian. 

  1. PTV inspectors who think they’re cops.
  2. That time they removed Myki machines from trams.
  3. People who think “extra hot” coffee is a thing.
  4. The gradual inflation of Footy Records.
  5. Restaurants that don’t allow bookings and then give you attitude when you try to book as if that's the craziest thing you could possibly do.
  6. Smug Hawthorn supporters (not such a problem these days…)
  7. School kids who save a seat for their bag.
  8. Coles’ in-store jingles (we’re already in the bloody store, guys. You can turn off the ads).
  9. Jedi parking inspectors who can ‘feel’ your car’s presence.
  10. Overly complicated CBD parking signs.
  11. People that can’t do hook turns.
  12. Luke-warm footy pies. Somewhere an angel is crying.
  13. Private school kids that live in Fitzroy lofts.
  14. Punt Rd. Now and for all time.
  15. Deconstructed food. If we wanted to construct our own food we would have stayed home and made a toastie. 
  16. Young couples that block escalators in Emporium.
  17. Running the Hardware Lane gauntlet.
  18. MCC members who make a point of checking-in at the MCC, not the MCG.
  19. In fact, MCC members in general.
  20. People who think they’re too good for The Carlton.
  21. Maccas’ redundant gourmet menu. We’re not here for truffles, mate.
  22. Trains that skip East Richmond when we’re at East Richmond.
  23. Monash road works that seem unnecessary.
  24. Streakers who get caught by security.
  25. Sewerage drains that empty into popular bay beaches. Who thought that was a good idea?
  26. Our lack of obvious tourism icons (“And this is Fed Square…we don’t really know what it does”).
  27. Driving (bloody cyclists).
  28. Cycling (bloody drivers).
  29. Fun Runs that shut down Alexandra Avenue. There’s nothing fun about a detour onto Punt Rd.
  30. House prices, and the Baby Boomers who think they’re reasonable.
  31. People who describe themselves as ‘bloggers’.
  32. The Age’s pay wall (gotta choose those 30 articles wisely).
  33. Bayside seagulls that pretend to have one leg just to get a chip.
  34. CBD sidewalks that become slippery death-traps as soon as it drizzles.
  35. Disrespecting the V-Line ‘Quiet Carriage’.
  36. Interstate dim sims that aren’t real dim sims.
  37. Black is always the new black (yawn).
  38. Laneways that are described as ‘hidden’. So hidden they’re #4 on Tripadvisor…
  39. The latest It café changes faster than the weather.
  40. No matter how cheap the airfares get, Europe is still a long-haul away.  
  41. Psychotic magpies. 

Reckon you're a real Melburnian? Take the test and find out. 

Image credit: Chris Hopkins, Domain

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