44 Signs You Might Be A Has-Been Hipster

By Martha Brooke
6th Mar 2017

44 Signs You Might Be A Hipster

You don’t have to be David Attenborough hiding out in the Serengeti to catch a glimpse of our subjects in question. Simply take to the streets to spot them in their natural habitat. Find them frequenting hole-in-the-wall coffee joints with a soy, extra shot macchiato in hand, perusing local antique stores for vintage knick knacks and declaring how being individual is so ‘exhausting.’ 

That’s right, we’re talking hipsters. 

Hipsters are deemed the ‘too cool for school’ members of society and are on the rise, bringing their obscure music tastes and political opinions with them. 

If you’re unsure whether you fall into this category or not, put your clear-rimmed, non-prescription glasses on and read ahead to discover your fate. 

  1. Your body composition is now 13% kombucha. 
  2. But you don’t drink it anymore because you don’t follow the crowds.
  3. All of your friends are either musicians, artists or baristas. 
  4. You, yourself, are a graphic designer.
  5. Wes Anderson films are the only movies you watch.
  6. Along with short, silent, independent films.
  7. If there’s a political march or demonstration, you will be at the front, even if you’re only pretending you’re passionate about said topic.
  8. Stella, Heineken or Corona? Don’t be silly! You only drink organic, darker-than-your-mahogany-moustache-comb IPA’s. 
  9. You own a moustache comb. 
  10. You can’t walk past a Salvation Army without perspiring. You just have to go in!
  11. When people ask who your favourite artist is, you reply with ‘Andy Warhol’ instead of a band or singer.
  12. You only listen to bands who people have never heard of, no matter how shit they are. 
  13. With names like; The Plaid Owls, Rockwell Wheatgrass or Tahoma Lounge.
  14. Your wardrobe of vintage-style band tee’s nearly overtakes your vinyl, record collection. 
  15. Cue, you say things like; ‘It sounds so much better on vinyl.’
  16. And that their old stuff was ‘so much better.’
  17. Over-sized, retro, denim jackets are your uniform and are so over-sized, you could shelter an entire family underneath. 
  18. You cycle. 
  19. And you don’t just ride any old bike—no, no—you ride a basket-adorned bicycle of course. 
  20. You may as well have a Masters in craft beer.
  21. You like music that hasn’t even been released yet.
  22. And when it does, you won’t like it anymore. Duh.
  23. Your facial hair takes longer to style than your regular hair. 
  24. You own a long-board. 
  25. Getting ready takes a long time. However, you still emerge looking slightly homeless each time. 
  26. You own a cat because dogs are too mainstream. 
  27. And give it a name like ‘Bartholomew’. 
  28. It’s also vegan, like you.
  29. You wear ugly clothes ironically. 
  30. Shoes without socks is a regular occurrence. 
  31. Organic food markets are where you spend most of your time. 
  32. Your moustache has reached perfect twirling peak and you couldn’t be happier.
  33. You also contemplate if ‘beard insurance’ is a thing.
  34. Instagram is your portfolio of flash-stricken, blurry portraits.
  35. Making up fashion trends is what you do best, or not so. Lace flares with neon stilettos is a thing, right? 
  36. You write poetry.
  37. You attend edgy, underground art screenings.
  38. You have your very own micro, vegetable garden.
  39. Jeans must be cut, rolled or not worn at all. 
  40. Owning three pairs of glasses, prescription or not, is a must.
  41. And they must be clear rimmed.
  42. You only shop in thrift stores. 
  43. A roll up cigarette never leaves your hand. 
  44. You deny being a hipster. 

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