50 Reasons You’re Still Single

By Daniel Colasimone
18th Nov 2014

Wait, nobody wants to date you? And you don't know why?

Let's try and get to the bottom of this together.

Here are 50 possible reasons why you're still single.

  1. You display many of the symptoms of Ebola.
  2. There's toilet paper stuck to the back of your pants.
  3. Your Facebook profile pic is your niece or nephew.
  4. You forget people's names exactly 0.3 seconds after learning them.
  5. There's that Mongols Motorcycle Club tatt on your neck.
  6. Your current hair style is almost exactly the same as the one you had when you were 10.
  7. Your best friend is smarter, better looking and funnier than you. Do you not see how that's a problem when you go out together?
  8. You spend way too much time obsessing over Tom Hardy (and doing the Bane voice).
  9. Your ideal weekend consists of dragging your mattress onto the living room floor, closing all the curtains and having a marathon Destiny session, while stewing in your own stank.
  10. You say the word 'youse.'
  11. You admonish people for saying the word 'youse.'
  12. On dates, you not only talk about your ex, you go through photo albums of your trips together on your phone with tears and snot streaming down your face.
  13. Your mum still has access to your bank account and each month pays your bills for you… just so you don't forget.  She also does your shopping once a week and every time you need to go to the doctor, you insists on coming along (which was really awkward that time you had chlamydia).
  14. Your Tinder profile has that quote from Marilyn Monroe about handling you at your worst. For the love of God.
  15. Your crystal meth addiction always seems to get in the way of your love life one way or another.
  16. You think 2 Broke Girls is brilliantly written, nuanced comedy.
  17. Nobody cares that your grandmother gave Bert Newton a hand shandy in 1964, so stop telling people within five minutes of meeting them.
  18. The last time you went to a dentist was when the dental van used to come around to your primary school. Your smile frightens small children.
  19. The person working the checkout at Woolies (who you have a crush on) has noticed you buy an awful lot of Vaseline. They don't know it's to stop chaffing when you go for a run.
  20. Though your 1997-model car will have vintage credibility in 20 years' time, at present it is just a total piece of crap.
  21. Your manky allergic reaction to milk, avocado, grass and cat hair is not only painful, it's embarrassing.
  22. You love your mum too much. Certainly too often.
  23. Those cauliflower ears you have from your touch footy days are quite off-putting.
  24. You know the names of at least two members of One Direction. Harry and one of the others.
  25. Due to the fact your face is slightly uneven, you are extremely un-photogenic.
  26. Your laugh sounds like a donkey being tasered.
  27. In the whole Charles Saatchi/Nigella Lawson thing you were #TeamCharles.
  28. You mess up basic sayings by saying stuff like, 'It's a doggy dog world,' and, 'it's a hard nut life.'
  29. You think Adam Sandler is the finest actor of his generation, and are willing to defend your beliefs to the point of violence.
  30. You bought a Jeep.
  31. You actually quite like tofu.
  32. Making up super-cute nicknames like 'my plump little gooseberry' and 'The Orgasm Factory' for someone on a first date is not okay.
  33. David Koch is the closest thing you have to a strong father figure.
  34. You are a terrible cook. Your signature dish is 2-minute noodles with sweet chilli sauce and last time you threw a dinner party, three of your guests had to have their stomachs pumped.
  35. It's 2014 and your speech is still smattered with Ali G quotes.
  36. You have a Gloria Estefan poster on your wall.
  37. Your celebrity lookalike is Patrick Star.
  38. You kind of smell like coleslaw dressing.
  39. The last time you went on a date you asked the other person to split everything with you, including your bus fare home.
  40. Having groin rash is bad enough, but people don't need to hear you talk about it all the time.
  41. The time machine car you built hardly ever works properly.
  42. You haven't been able to erase all online evidence of those six months you spent as a sex worker.
  43. At your Big Brother audition, producers told you that you have the personality of a soggy Sao.
  44. Those Paper Mache clowns you have all over your house are creepy.
  45. You call breasts 'chesticles.'
  46. Going through your list of preferred baby names on a first date is a no-no.
  47. The Footy Show is your primary source of news.
  48. At restaurants, you ask if the almonds in the chicken tagine have been activated.
  49. You cackle manically whenever they say the word 'fanny' on American sitcoms.
  50. When you cut shapes on the dance floor most people in the venue assume you are either being attacked by invisible bees or having some kind of seizure.

Sounds like someone needs to check out our list of 50 Things to Do in Melbourne If You're Single.

TUL Note: Hailing from the 'Paris of the South,' Bundaberg, Dan Colasimone is back in Brisbane after spending the better part of a decade living overseas. He also writes about sport. He once completed an Arts degree. Twitter: @DanColasimone

Image credit: Uptown Magazine

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