8 Signs You’re Probably One Of Those Annoying People On The Internet

By Daniel Colasimone
13th Jul 2015

What a time to be alive. No longer do we have to limit our outrage to stuff that actually affects us personally, like someone putting bagged dog poo in your wheelie bin or that person at work who doesn’t sneeze properly, nowadays we can get infuriated at everything in the world courtesy of the interwebs.

Why on Earth would you cruise through life not letting things bother you when you have all the tools at your disposal to be constantly offended, enraged and scandalised by things happening elsewhere?

Here’s a simple guide on how to be angry all the time in the internet age.

  1. Ignore the fact that the person running the Twitter or Facebook account of a company or organisation is probably some poorly paid 20-year-old who is just trying to get a leg-up in the professional world. If they publish something incorrect, off-colour or even spelt wrong, it is your duty to UNLEASH HELL on that organisation. Screenshot the mistake before it can be deleted 30 seconds later, mock them to prove your superiority and boycott whatever they are selling.
  2. Listen to what our politicians are saying. Just allocate 20 minutes a day to reading some of the comments from our elected leaders, or absorbing their declarations on the news. You are bound to be left absolutely flabbergasted by the condescending, populist palaver coming out of their mouths. You may laugh in disbelief at first, but that will soon disappear as waves of shame and helplessness wash over you. Now, where once you would have just talked to your neighbour over the fence about these feelings, or just quaffed West Coast Coolers until you forgot about it, now you can try to elaborate them on every form of social media. Let emoticons, swear words and capital letters be your weapons of choice as your lead the revolution.
  3. Never let rational thought or basic intelligence stand in the way of your online vitriol.
  4. When confronted with the death of a public figure, it’s not enough to be sad. In fact, skip through all the other stages of grief and just nestle in with anger. No matter what the circumstances of this person’s passing, there can always be someone to blame. If that’s not enough, seek out a morning show presenter or someone on Twitter who did not react in precisely the correct way in the moments after the news broke and join thousands of others in expressing your disgust at them.
  5. Maintain extremely high standards of behaviour for sports stars. Ignore the fact that they are young, rich and probably as dumb as special-needs weimaraner puppies. Even if you don’t give two hoots about sport, look on them up as ‘role models’ whose behaviour should be exemplary at all times. That way when one of them gets busted snorting coke off his teammate’s wife’s breasts in a McDonald’s playground, you can huff and shake your head side to side until your lips wobble like Harold from Neighbours while writing a strongly worded comment underneath the news.com.au exposé.
  6. Switch your irony detection button firmly to OFF. When someone uses satire or a sarcastic tone to debunk racists, sexists or any kind of arsehole-ists, you COULD choose to chuckle and enjoy their subtle dig, OR you could take what they are saying at face value and decide that in fact THEY are racist, sexist, fascist arseholes. Case in point: Sean Penn has spent his whole career (obnoxiously) making sure everyone is aware he’s a bleeding-heart liberal, so when he made a faux-racist joke when presenting an Oscar to his good friend Alejandro Iñarritu you COULD assume he was being ironic. Or you could choose to be appalled, as many apparently were, on behalf of all Mexicans because Sean Penn IS A RACIST MONSTER.
  7. In the same spirit, never let a person’s previous record cloud your judgement if they make a slip of the tongue or word something slightly awkwardly. Take long-time marriage equality advocate and LGBTQI supporter Mia Freedman, who used the word gay in an analogy when talking about a sex offender register. Yes, she should have known that placing those two topics in the same room was a mistake that would result in context being stripped away, the point missed completely and hurtful headlines for the gay community. As a distraught Freedman said in the aftermath, ‘the idea is repugnant to anyone with an IQ above room temperature’ but that didn’t stop the internet exploding and Mia being beheaded by guillotine in the town square.
  8. If you’re about to go to bed and haven’t been riled enough for the day, do a quick Twitter search for the word ‘outrage’ so as to catch up on all the burning end-of-days interwebs slanging matches you’ve missed out on.

Want more? Here are 15 signs you might be an inner-city wanker!

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