If, like me, you’re single this Valentine’s Day, you’re probably as enthusiastic about the 14th February as you are, say, cleaning the hair filter in the shower tray or having your fingernails pulled out, one-by-one.
So, to help you survive the dreaded international day of all things sickeningly sentimental, I’ve compiled a list of 8 killer ways to embrace your singleton bitterness on the most depressing loved-up day of the year. #singlesolidarity
1. Horror flicks.
It doesn’t matter how in love you are—if a zombie/vampire/axe-murderer/undead spirit has it in for you, love ain’t going to save you. Our V-day hit list includes ‘The Blair Witch Project’ (nostalgic), ‘Dawn of the Dead’ (classic) and ‘The Human Centipede,’ parts 1 and 2 (gross-out, cannot-be-unseen gore). You’ll never want to interact with another human being again.
2. Depressingly tragic music.
Grab a packet of Tim Tams, a bottle of scotch, and lock yourself away to the sounds of your morbid singer-songwriter of choice. At The Urban List HQ, we tend to favour Nick Cave, Joni Mitchell, The National and that one Bright Eyes song about how love is just a way to repeatedly have your heart stamped on. Trust me, we’re all better off alone, amirite?
3. A really miserable book.
And I mean genuinely miserable—definitely don’t reach for any of that ‘Fifty Shades’ garbage. Something like ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green should do nicely if you want to be reminded that everyone dies alone.
4. Try leaving the house and get yourself to The Grosvenor Hotel.
Shake off the Tim Tam crumbs, put down that glass of bargain bin shiraz and make a plan to head to The Grosvenor Hotel in St Kilda on Saturday night, where there’ll be heaps of single Melburnians enjoying delicious food, incredible cocktails and the first heart-flutters of romance…
As an Urban Lister, you’re in for special VIP treatment too, which means a free pass to the Winger lounge. There will be oysters, cheese, charcuterie, Cosmos, Negronis, and some giant Jenga to get the party started!
Tickets will sell out, so round up your single mates and book your tickets here.
5. Retail therapy.
Go and treat yourself to that shiny new thing that you have had your eye on for weeks. And then take it home to your sad, empty house and be reminded that nobody other than you will ever see it.
Make a lasagna! Bake a cake! Shove a box of Kraft Mac’n’Cheese in the microwave and pretend that you can cook! Then eat the entire thing yourself, most likely with your hands while sitting on the kitchen floor in your pajamas.
7. A day amongst nature, version 1.
They say that fresh air does wonders, so take to the Dandenongs and immerse yourself in it. Why not get lost for a bit! It’ll be just like that film ‘Into The Wild’ where Emile Hirsch ditches his city life and goes on an adventure to ‘find himself’ and ends up eating poisonous berries and dying alone in an abandoned bus. Oh, wait.
8. A day amongst nature, version 2.
A trip to Abbotsford Children’s Farm/Melbourne Zoo/Healesville Sanctuary. Animals are great. So great. Soooo much better than humans…said the girl who was #foreveralone
Image credit: Amazon