Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
Whatever it is that's been eating you up, it's finally time to strike up that conversation with whoever's been bothering you. You're feeling like making amends because Gemini is looking fondly down on you, and the starry twins know that you really want companionship... Either that, or the duo in your lunar house means you'll be a two-faced bitch about the whole thing. Whatevs.
Where you need to go this week: If you're going to have two faces, at least make sure they're both beautiful.
According to the stars, 'if you need to take photos for professional or personal reasons, now is the time to do so'—so get cracking on those naked selfies before winter really hits and you give up having a waistline in favour of being a carb-overloaded, couch-dwelling beast. Sure, Snuggies and Tater Tots might be for winter, but the perfect #belfie is for life.
Where you need to go this week: Nothing says 'I'm chill, but also a sex kitten' like the athleisure look.
Oh hey there, Leo. You’re looking mighty fine! Make the most of that inner glow, take a risk and do something you probably wouldn’t usually do. Never been speed dating? Sign up. Never travelled? Take the leap.
Where you need to go this week: Thinking of heading overseas? This little bible should give you a few ideas.
If money woes have been dragging you down, Gemini, try shifting your focus to family and intellectual interests—these things are way more important and will, metaphorically, have a bigger return. Take solace in the fact that the end of the financial year is just around the corner, and (all things going according to plan), you’ll get a big fat cheque.
Where you need to go this week: Spend time with family. Read. Relax. Check out this bookstore.
Summer partying may be be well and truly behind us, but that's no reason to hide yourself away, Cancer. Got a LBD? Slip it on and shimmy your way onto the dance floor—your love and friendship stars have aligned, so it could very well pay big dividends.
Where you need to go this week: Need to perk yourself up with a new wardrobe?
Virgo, you rascally rascal, you’ve been up to no good again, haven’t you? We love your wild side, but don’t forget to point it in the right direction. Over the next few weeks you’re going to be faced with some proper grown-up questions, as your career and finance planets align. We strongly advise you listen up and take them seriously.
Where you need to go this week: Pinch your pennies, but still have a truck load of fun with this list.
Oh hey there Libra, you’re positively glowing this week! Did you just get a new up-do? Are you trying a new foundation that’s working wonders? Or are you just not hung-over and this is your face in its natural state? Whatever you’re doing—keep at it and something good will come around the corner soon.
Where you need to go this week: You’re looking so good this week, it would be a shame to stay in the house. Head over to this Mont Albert heaven filled with couples donning coordinated activewear. Feel superior.
With the end of financial year steadily chugging closer, maybe you’re realising that money isn’t everything this week. We’ve all been guilty of binge eating, neglecting our health and general laziness—usually simultaneously. Prioritise sleep, eating well and being active this week! If you still feel terrible by the end of it... yeah, I have nothing.
Where you need to go this week: Add this waistline-friendly street food event to your diary!
So a lot of your friends have gone AWOL on you this month and, much like a terribly corny breakup, you’re not sure if it’s you or them. Shake it off like a true Sagittarius would and head into the gym, spa or kitchen this week. If you’re going to be a loner, at least pretend you’re alone on purpose.
Where you need to go this week: You know what would make you feel less lonely? Bacon.
2016 was looking oh-so hopeful a few short months ago, but maybe this year isn’t going to plan on the scale of any lifetime achievements ever. Don’t despair Capricorn, there’s always June to look forward to. June is never a bad month, right?
Where you need to go this week: In the meantime, shopping fixes everything.
One minute you're totally head-over-heels with your latest squeeze, that new promotion, and your brand new autumn wardrobe—the next, you're looking for escape routes from just about everything. It's time to chill out and remind yourself that life can't be a bed of chocolate-dipped, bacon-flavoured roses all the time. Find a good mate to moan to instead of having a full on freak-out and canning your current life sitch, because once it's gone, you won't get it back easily.
Where you need to go this week: Best-friend moans are best done over brunch, amirite?
It's a family afffaiiiirrrr, Pisces! If you've been ignoring your mum's requests for brunch, or hating on your lil sis/bro's Snapchats (hey, they're only 14 and stupid once!), now is the time to pay attention and bring a little more positivity into your family circle. Sure, you can't choose them, but you CAN give them an hour of your un-hungover time every so often. It's the least you can do, right?
Where you need to go this week: Get your clan together over some tasty eats, pronto.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Ellen Seah, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae