Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Amber De Luca-Tao
27th Jun 2017

Well we're glad you decided to show up, ‘cause boy do we have some news for you. This week the universe is in a real good mood (which totally never happens). Our advice? Have fun while it lasts, lil’ Melburnians. 

We can’t wait to see what July's cookin' up for us, so until then, here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.


Ubers are great for getting your drunk ass home. They’re also great for facilitating moments of desire. You Gemini’s are well aware of that, aren’t you? Cosmic word on the street is saying someone is lurrrrv sick. You need a doctor stat and it's not the GP. Your House of Lust is rockin’ this week, and as for you? You're pullin' a sickie.

If you are going to leave the house though, we recommend having a ripper meal at P.S. Bar & Kitchen.


Okay you guys actually need to quit the lying you cheeky peeps. That web you’re weaving is almost big enough to see from outer space. Okay, not really, but you’re well and truly on your way. Before you give into your old ways and lie about how many cocktails you had on Saturday night, in the words of MJ, just remember to always think twice. Or don’t.

Um, you can make your own Hokkaido Cheese Tarts at home. In your own oven. Here's the recipe. Nope, we ain't lyin'.


You’re not literally the only person left in Melbourne, even though one minute spent gleaning over your Insta feed has you feeling otherwise. Don't worry, while all of your friends are jetting off, the universe has other plans for you. Sit back, relax and don’t do anything we wouldn’t do. This week’s gonna be a good one, we can just feel it.

Did you know there are eateries in Melbourne with ridiculously good looking v?ews. Here's five of them.


The key to getting ahead is getting started. But that saying’s about as easy to apply IRL as finding your house keys in the dark at 4am on your front porch. It’s not. Your planets might not be aligned, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

If you're gonna get anything together this week, baking your own raw cheesecake sounds like a good idea. Hey, there's a start.


Venus is entering your eighth house this week and it’s bringing you a wave of bravery. What does that mean? It’s time to plot that grand gesture you’ve been scheming for the past couple of months. And no that doesn’t mean finally getting that nipple piercing…or does it?

Brave enough to finally admit you hate bananas? You'll totes be able to relate to all 28 of these things.


We know you’ve been struggling a bit in the self-control department recently, but this week the universe wants you to let loose and metaphorically run wild down the confectionary aisle at Woolies. Just like you would have when you were five years old with your mum’s debit card. This week is all about excess...until July shows up. That month is a whole diff’ ball game.

Treat yo'self to all the wine and cider that's on offer this winter. The universe insists.


Been keen to change things up recently? Before you decide to switch lanes, check for oncoming traffic. With the speed Uranus is currently travelling at, it’s getting Aquarius into gear and they're speeding right up into your grill. Watch out, life in the fast lane is dangerous.

Looking for a cuisine to match your new lifestyle? Shukah in Windsor is the spice-filled bag of surprises you didn't know you needed.


There’s been a few disturbances in your galaxy lately and it’s gotten you in all sorts of bad books with the fam. Consider easing up on the sass or you can kiss your trust fund goodbye… don’t have a trust fund? Neither do we. In that case – proceed with the sass.

But we do have an espresso martini recipe for you to master that will defs earn you some brownie points with your parentals.


You know those morning sleep-ins that mean you have ten minutes to get ready and that every thing that could possibly go wrong, actually does? Well, your chart is showing that might be how your week really goes if you don't set multiple alarms. Avoiding turning up to work looking like you haven’t slept since Friday night isn't actually impossible.

Picking an outfit in advance will buy you time. Here’s the top winter style trends according to which suburb you live in.


This week Mars is coming in extra hot and bringing with it the good, the bad and spicy. You’re gonna be trading in the old faithful lemon and herb this week for one hell of a walk on the mild side. Hopefully you’ll be able to handle the heat, but if not – got milk?

Btw, we ranked Melbourne's most insane hot sauces. Yep, it was hot AND saucy.


Oh Aries, when will you ever learn? Worrying never helped anyone … other than with sending them on a one-way trip to Disturbia. But we can’t imagine that’s anything new for you guys. As of now, Saturn is in a state of retrograde and it’s a sign you need to take a step back, too. But seriously, there’s better things worth losing sleep over, like a late night Netflix binge or something.

Maybe heading to this epic after-dark winter festival at Apollo Bay will take your mind off of things?


Drama, bills, unread messages, it all seems to be piling up recently. Unfortunately your stack isn’t short, it’s not sweet, it’s not fluffy and doesn’t have a side of vanilla ice-cream. (Soz to trigger pancake cravings). But if you don’t tuck in soon, unlike those pancakes drowned in maple syrup, you’re gonna be drowned in life. Act now and all can still be well in your galaxy.

In case you feel like slipping away... to the snow, per say, here's ten things you can do at the snow that aren't actually skiing. Thank us laters.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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