Love? Money? Mysterious strangers who turn out to be emotionally manipulative douchebags? The stars are fickle things, guys. It takes some serious skills to peer into the murky depths of the future and predict stuff like how our Tinder date will go this week. Luckily, we have those skills.
Strap yourself in, Melbourne. Here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.
Things are looking sketchy for you this week, Libs. On the one hand, you’re smashing it at work, on the other, your dating game is all over the place. Crippling indecision will strike mid-week, but you have to push through and choose a side. To text or not to text, that’s the big question.
When indecision strikes, you need a Feed Me menu. We tracked down the best in Melbourne.
You’re putting out fires all over the place, but more of the emotional kind (although if you’re cooking with oil, stay alert). Why haven’t they called me back? My boss is a jerk! Help me, Scorpio, help me. You’re the guru this week, and everyone’s going to want a piece. Just tell them to form an orderly queue.
If you need a break from helping others, this boozy night should do the trick.
Your luck is looking up this week, Sag. You should either buy a lottery ticket or double up on a McDonalds Monopoly meal (get ready for a free small fries). The planets are aligning nicely, but the good times won’t last forever. Make hay while the sun shines etc, especially if you’re a cattle farmer.
Need more proof the universe loves you? You can now get Golden Gaytime crumbs by the jar.
Someone’s cramping your space this week, Caps, and you don’t like it one bit. It could be a housemate who leaves toast sweat on the counter one too many times. It could be a co-worker who ate your yogurt (despite your very specific fridge labelling). Whoever it is, they’re gonna feel the hammer of justice this week. Deep breaths now...
Blow off some steam with this thing: an epic 10-cheese croquette, available now at Changz Canteen.
Getting an itchy passport, Aquarius? Tired of seeing friends on your feed posting #blessed shots from Santorini while you shiver on the couch eating baked beans from a can? Time to do something about it. Book that trip, take that chance, switch things up. Change is a good thing this week.
Go get some nature up you. Here are all the Vic waterfalls you need to see before spring ends.
You should know better than anyone, Pisces, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Heartbreak might be getting you down, but the important thing is to just keep swimming (don’t knock the Finding Nemo wisdom). Leave the hermitage and hit the town this week. Good things are just ‘round the corner.
If you’re looking for date night inspo, you should probably check out the city’s fancy new pasta bar.
Time to pull your head in, Aries. Your stars say all that success is going to your head, and people are beginning to resent it (jealous much?). This week, just focus on doing solid work, putting your head down, and keeping the #humblebrags to a minimum.
You know what wins people over? Muffins. Muffins win people over. Might be time to treat the office...
You’ve been trying and trying Taurus, but the fitness regime just isn’t showing results. Might be time to stop bashing your head against a wall. Take a step back, grab a slice of cheesecake, and reassess. Switch up the routine, join a class or two, make it fun again. That’s the secret.
Want to mix things up? Here are a few good boxing gyms you should try.
It’s all about group time this week, Gems. We know it’s tempting to ‘raincheck’ those dinners with colleagues (or even your nearest and dearest), but you planets are sending a clear signal: step away from the couch. Start saying ‘yes’ to social outings, it’ll pay big dividends (and don’t worry, you can always pike at 10pm if you’re tired. That totally counts).
If it’s a brunch date, we’ve got you covered. Here are the best brekkies in the CBD.
Adulting is hard at the best of times, and this week is not the best of times. Looks like your life admin is starting to slip, Cancer. Better dedicate some time this week to the boring stuff: paying the bills, checking insurance, figuring out your Citylink account password. Cross the I’s and dot the T’s (or is that the other way around).
Ready to get serious? Here are 10 life swaps that’ll have you adulting like a boss.
Oh oh, Leo. Your ex is back on the scene. We don’t know where, and we don’t know when, but you’re gonna come face to face with Mr/Mrs Almost this week. Better grow eyes in the back of your head. This could get awks...
You could lock yourself in the bathroom...or you could get out and live, exes or no exes. Here are five awesome things to do in Melbs this week.
You’ve been running around like a headless chook, Virgos. This week is all about slowing down and working out what you REALLY want. Turn off the phone, kick back, and think where you want to be in five years’ time. Your stars say it all begins now.
The future may be a mystery, but there’s a good chance it includes delicious pesto meatballs.
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist