Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Greta Waters
21st Nov 2017


We’ve heard it all before Listers—your oath to eat healthily, stop drinking and quit the obsessive checking of your horoscopes. As per usual, your Tuesday fix of astrology is here, bearing juicy nuggets of (edible and drinkable) guidance.  

C’mon, we know you want to… here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.


Gems, we know it’s been a tough couple of weeks. We’ve heard the (not so quiet) tears in the shower and the snarky muttering when someone eats the last office muffin. The charts advise a change of routine will clear up any grey areas. Hang in there, you good thing.  

Read through these 25 tips and do the absolute opposite. 


Cancers, life is all about balance, right? Your boxing and burger combo is impressive, but your creepy Insta DM slides and fanatic Facebook meme tags need to stop. To avoid your House of Hope turning into a House of Fear, write a list of your strongest attributes and cross off the nasties.

Balance the crunchiness of deep-fried tofu with a fluffy bao bun here.


You’ve been hanging indoors a bit too much for our liking, Leos. The stars have been comparing your social life to the black holes NASA keeps going on about. Take some advice from R&B legend R.Kelly—to remix the ignition you’ve gotta get hot and fresh out the kitchen.

Need some inspo on how to get out of that kitchen? We’ve got 18 awesome ideas


Okay, we’ve got some bad news for your Virgos… we’ve been told a nebulous Neptune is arriving this week, which means a haze of confusing uncertainty is about to hit. Stick to what you know, you’ve come this far unscathed.   

FYI we will be sticking our gobs in the spring rolls from Paper Plate.


A peanut butter and lettuce sandwich is criminal. This bizarre combo can be enjoyed separately, but the two just don’t mesh well together. And you know what Libs, that’s fine! Some things in life are just better on their own. It’s time to let go of your peculiar partner and focus on being happy by yourself.

Side note: a peanut butter and chocolate smoothie is totally fine.


Scorps, the charts are calling it a wave of commotion; we're calling it a colossal sh*t storm. Your week is gonna consist of passive aggressive texts, snide comments and a (seemingly) never-ending dose of drama with a capital D. Sharpen the pitchforks, ladies and gents, it’s going to get messy real quick.

Who would’ve thought a bunch of men wrestling in colourful lycra would be more dramatic than your life?


Sags, we’ve been told you’re a bad ass business b*tch that can do no wrong. This week you just do you, the stars are all smiles right now. Special emphasis on the NOW. 

Since you call the shots add these party venues to this year’s Christmas list.


Caps, are you FREAKIN serious?! You cannot be trusted—your slothing Sunday has proved it would be easier to remove the phrase “few drinks” from your vocab. While your ability to make friends with every single drunk girl in the bathroom is entertaining, your mates want to spend one night with you that you will remember.

We suggest swapping the Sav for Silo Art.


Similar to Melbourne’s weather (at this point we don’t think there will ever be an answer to that riddle), your level of motivation is fickle. The Universe is about to put something in front of you that you weren’t expecting, so buckle up buddies!   

We’ve heard margs help with brain stimulation, luckily we know a place with ten different types of margaritas to choose from.


Sorry Pisces, but texting your crush at 3am a bunch of jibberish is not funny or cute. While you may have screwed this one up, the charts are requesting an open mind and a friendly smile. We're calling it—a spring fling?!  

Life is tough, but you can’t cry over spilt milk. But we WILL let you cry over insanely good ice cream from the cool new kids Sundae School.


Aries, there really is no place like home. Maybe you should start staying there because your roommate is stealing your clothes, food and toothpaste. If you’re not careful, your heart, brain and courage will soon follow. Sleep with one eye open. Constant vigilance! 

No food in the house? We've got gyoza, lobster and oysters to ease the pain.  


It’s really sweet that you still wear that favourite jumper from five years ago, but Taurus, it’s time to put a little bit more effort into your outer layer. A little bit of retail therapy has never hurt anybody. In fact, a new set of threads will give you a little boost of confidence you never knew you needed.  

Treat your inner layer to some steak tartar and Crème Brûlée.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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