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Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell - 28 Nov 2017

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It’s that time of the week again, guys. The time when we get a little science on your ass and predict the future with Professor Trelawny-like accuracy. Will it be love or lemons for you this week? Giant balls of gas millions of miles away could hold the answers...

Buckle up. Here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.

Gemini

Gems, it’s time to mingle with humans. The stars are suggesting you’re becoming one of those...pet people. You know, the ones that dress up their dog and start talking to it on trains. Grab that lead and hit the town.

Need some inspo? We’ve rounded up the best dog-friendly destinations in Melbourne.

Cancer

Did someone say dessert? Yep, we did, just now. Mad props for your fitness regime, Cancer, but life should be more exciting than Lean Cuisine and protein shakes. Mercury says you can splurge this week. We won’t tell nobody.

If you’re gonna splurge, do it right. You need PAFU, stat. We’ll explain...

Leo

What is it about this time of year, Leo? You keep getting mugged in memory lane. Nostalgia can be fun, but remember to live in the now (whatever that means—we saw it on a meme once). Focus on tomorrow and yesterday will take care of itself.

We probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Love Actually just landed on Netflix. Nostalgia overload.

Virgo

You’ve scrimped, you’ve saved... now it’s time to blow the lot and live like a queen. Money’s only there if you don’t die tomorrow, right Virgo? We say spend like you’re gonna croak today. House deposit be damned!

Got that credit card ready? You can start with these exclusive new Nike AF-1s.

Libra

Libs, this week is gonna be a technological nightmare. Mercury is all over the place, which means if it can break, it will break. Computers hate you, your internet will move at dial-up speeds, and there’s a 60% chance your iPhone is gonna end up in the loo.

Better invest in a good phone cover. This one makes coffee.  

Scorpio

Change is a good thing, Scorps. But we get that it freaks you out. Our advice? Invest in a good meditation app, because the stars are sending pretty clear signals—you’re due for a shakeup. Brace yourself.

Speaking of change, Triple J just announced they’re moving the Hottest 100. Where’s that Bob Dylan tune when you need it...

Sagittarius

Romance, Sagittarius. Big, fat wonderful butterflies-in-the-stomach romance, that’s what you’re in for this week. We double checked the charts, just to make sure. Keep an eye out for either a mysterious stranger or a hot guy that asks for your number. The clues can be subtle.

Need a date venue? Check out Bayside’s new African cocktail bar.

Capricorn

You’ve been eating out waaaaay too often, Caps. Time to tighten that belt—literally. Saturn is telling you to stay home and stream Jamie Oliver cooking shows on Youtube. Lovely jubbly.

Stuck for recipe ideas? Try this one for doughnut HSPs.

Aquarius

Careful Aquarius, monogamy can turn into monotony pretty quickly these days. If you feel a rut coming on, give Netflix the boot and change the routine. A change is as good as a holiday, right?

Speaking of holidays, lock in a staycay at The Arts Series’ brand new hotel.

Pisces

Look, no one’s going to say anything Pisces, but you need a haircut. Like, yesterday. You’re starting to give off Cosmo Kramer vibes. A new barber and fresh cuts will have you looking like Jerry in no time.

The cuts don’t come much fresher than Smith St’s new Gatsby-esque grooming parlour.

Aries

Chiiilll, Winston. We know your fuse is more tenuous than Malcolm Turnbull’s grasp on political power right now, but you’ve got to pop a chill pill, Aries. Try some deep breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Go and make yourself a gin cocktail. Appaz it’s a sign of sexiness now...

Taurus

There’s no point denying it, Taurus—you’ve got itchy feet. And it’s not that athlete’s foot from a few years ago either. It’s wanderlust, pure and simple. Now we’re not gonna say quit your job and travel the world, but...

If you do book a ticket, you’re gonna need these: 25 solo traveller hacks

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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