Provided the amount of liquid we've already lost preluding this week's heat wave (or as I like to call it, "Obligatory Bikram") it terrifies us at The Urban List HQ to see just how hot 43 degrees can be. Let's just say Melburnians are going to get pretty intimate with their pores, fans and air conditioning vents over the next few days.
But what if you don't have a lovely air-conditioned bedroom you can escape to? What if you missed out on the car pool to the beach and your car has conked it? How are YOU going to cope with weather as hot as Kate Upton's mag cover?
Cold cocktails? Lofty rooftop views? Air conditioning? Icy poles? To make sure the only sizzling you'll be doing this week is accompanied with relish and coleslaw, I googled heat wave survival tips and considering none of the "tips" were any kind of fun, I edited them for an Urban List guide to enjoying a heat wave.
Pass out the right way, rather than the dehydrated way, at one of Melbourne's many rooftop bars. They say the higher you go, the cooler you'll be, so opt for a shady palm tree courtesy of the Carlton Club, or perhaps a frozen pink grapefruit granita courtesy of Naked in the Sky.
If it's more about the quench factor rather than the location, hit up some of Melbourne's best cocktail venues to cool down. We're thinking a refreshing watermelon mojito courtesy of Captain Baxter, or a 'Godzilla vs. Mr Miyagi' spider – sake, melon, frozen vanilla and soda. Cocktails not your thing? With cheap jugs and best buds for a Sunday Session, I'm sure your boss won't mind moving Sunday back a few days.
However, if you can't fathom leaving your house because you simply must be wearing as little as possible, hit up the bottle shop and pick up some of the best summer ciders. There are fewer drinks that are more compatible with the Aussie sun's harsh rays, so pick up a six-pack from McCoppins, don some Ray-Bans and blow up that kiddy pool.
There are certain foods that become a lot more acceptable in hot weather, and we want in. If you're thinking of hitting up the beach, don't pass up the opportunity for some top notch fish and chips. Beer battered or chargrilled, you'll be absolutely chocka block full of delight if you're washing down some flake with tartare.
If you live by one of Melbourne's many parks, then perhaps you're looking to get your grill on. A couple of weeks ago we perfected the formula for the ultimate Melbourne picnic, and this week will be the best time to lounge on a rug under a shady tree, and munch on some delicious snags.
After a short fix? Craving a brain freeze? There are some super chilled frozen treats out there – think froyo, ice cream and gelato. Exchange some chump change for a tasty lick and watch all your overheated worries fade away.
Speaking of glorious gelato, have you seen our Messina flavour guide yet? Well, have you?!? Every man and his dog will be visiting the gelato geniuses this week, so to minimise your waiting time (and chance of flavour indecision at the crucial ordering stage) read up on all the flavours first, and then order away!
For the peak temperatures of the week, it's going to be too hot to be outside at all. So while you're waiting for it to cool down, hit up some of the community pools – in particular the Fitzroy Pool, Carlton Baths and the Richmond Recreation Centre. All are outdoor and accompanied with air-conditioned gyms where you can read magazines on the treadmill while you wait for a lane to free up.
If you'd rather something slightly more glamorous, but equally as lubricating, the Olsen Hotel is hosting a Pool Club, held each Sunday, where guests and locals (provided you buy a few drinks at Spoonbill downstairs) can lounge on a deckchair and gaze upon the eye candy littering Chapel Street. Forget the beach – this is the place to show off that new swimsuit you got for Christmas.
Don't want to be wet? Then cinema-hop all day! Eat choc tops and suck on slurpees in the sweet, sweet air-conditioned paradise that is Cinema Nova, or your local Hoyts/Palace/Village.
Protect your eyeballs and your beach balls during the heat wave with the best apparel on offer. If you're going to be sweaty, you may as well do it fashionably – so pick up a pair of sunglasses to eye-roll behind, some sunscreen that won't leave you feeling like you have three extra layers of skin, or a beach umbrella to prop up in your yard and read some of The Urban List's favourite books.