Funny

This Is What Melbourne’s Train Lines Would Look Like If They Were People

By Millie Lester - 17 May 2018

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Melbourne trains are home to some of our city’s most eclectic peoples, and each line seems to offer up a more unique and memorable experience than the last. Naturally, we’ve decided to personify each and every one of them. And regardless of what you’re thinking, this was a very important article that needed to be written. Here’s what Melbourne’s train lines would look like if they were people.

Alamein Line

Likes: The Voice, charcoal activated brioche, worn brown leather satchels and rose gold Apple watches

Dislikes: Golden Circle crumpets, clashing Frank Green cups, documentaries and any day above 22 degrees

Job: Golf course mogul

Spirit Animal: Brown dove

Belgrave Line

Likes: White bread, Riverdale fanfiction, tram evading and bleaching delicates.

Dislikes: Turtlenecks, manual cars, the Pretty Little Liars series finale and anything with pips.

Job: Freelance art curator

Spirit Animal: Beached whale

Craigieburn Line

Likes: $2 sandwich day at 7-Eleven, choccie milk, razor scooters and dismantling O-bikes.

Dislikes: Fluffy dogs, feminism, parsley and Collingwood not making the finals.

Job: Pyramid schemer

Spirit Animal: One-armed crab

Cranbourne Line

Likes: Chiko Rolls, 7Mate, rating people’s mums out of ten and giving tourists the wrong directions at Fed Square.

Dislikes: Cappuccinos, dark chocolate, cardiovascular exercise and the law.

Job: Semi-professional gambler

Spirit Animal: Kelpie with rabies

Frankston Line

Likes: Catching possums, setting fire to things, slagging Ben and Liam on the Triple J Facebook page and Lipton Iced Tea.

Dislikes: Veganism, small dogs, Chrissie Swan and men who abuse their wives.

Job: PE teacher

Spirit Animal: Domesticated stingray

Glen Waverley Line

Likes: Cleaning the oven, white marshmallows, recycling and yelling at Telstra.

Dislikes: Green capsicums, food court sushi, hairless cats and people who take trolleys through the self-checkout.

Job: Bespoke jewellery designer

Spirit Animal: White Siberian tiger

Hurstbridge Line

Likes: Infinity pools, pineapple mimosas with the gals, McDreamy and ‘going off the grid’.

Dislikes: Low phone battery, voting in local elections, Monopoly and people who receive money from Centrelink.

Job: Tuck Shop Duty Manager

Spirit Animal: Flamingo runt

Lilydale Line

Likes: Weight Watchers chocolate mousse, samurai sudokus, flying with Qantas and phone calls with mum.

Dislikes: Shepherd avocados, limbless domesticated animals, banana Paddle Pops and women’s AFL.

Job: Motivational speaker

Spirit Animal: De-sexed parakeet

Pakenham Line

Likes: Cat food specials at Coles, low-fat Greek yoghurt, Gogglebox and sharing videos of dogs and war veterans reuniting on Facebook.

Dislikes: Caged eggs, wind, So Fresh: The Best Hits of Summer, and babies with no hair.

Job: Pilot in training

Spirit Animal: Flightless bird

Sandringham Line

Likes: Hot Milos, John Marsden novels, monogrammed Kikki.K stationery and mini golf.

Dislikes: Cold popcorn, National Tiles ads, KitKat Chunkies and getting stuck behind tourists at the Myki machine.

Job: Crochet Artist

Spirit Animal: Retired greyhound

Showgrounds / Flemington Racecourse

Likes: Leaving the party early, fresh scones, stealing things from Coles and shower beers.

Dislikes: Racing animals for sport, a dry T-zone, the red Wiggle and people who share their bed with their pets.

Job: Coles Floor Manager

Spirit Animal: Black Crowntail Male Fighting Fish

South Morang Line

Likes: Over-cooked sausages, light traffic, catching the postman at the mailbox and fresh Sodastream canisters.

Dislikes: Hatchback cars, female sports umpires, street buskers and when the drive-thru guy refuses to swap Wicked Wings for Popcorn Chicken.

Job: Westpac CEO

Spirit Animal: Retired pacing horse

Stony Point Line

Likes: Re-posting Facebook statuses from animal shelters, reverse-parallel parking, frozen McCain margherita pizzas and setting fire to restaurant napkins.

Dislikes: Old people, road tolls, Kesha and the smell of smoke.

Job: Weather presenter

Spirit Animal: Albino sheep

Sunbury Line

Likes: High-fives, speeding through orange lights, peeling potatoes and Tweeting at the Grey’s Anatomy cast.

Dislikes: Sweet potato fries, cycling at night, people who walk on the wrong side of the footpath, and Mother’s Day.

Job: Lifeguard

Spirit Animal: Baby black bear

Upfield Line

Likes: Mother energy drink, comparison shopping for electronics, school fates and parking in handicapped spots late at night.

Dislikes: Distrustful people, egg whites, dukkah and Natalie Bassingthwaighte on Neighbours.

Job: Public Transport Inspector

Spirit Animal: Water rat

Werribee Line

Likes: Freshly ironed bed sheets, Harvey Norman interest-free promotions, bumblebees and crying in the shower.

Dislikes: Racquet sports, soft Lindt balls, making eye contact with other people’s children, and the side effects of too many echinacea pills.

Job: VCE Exam Invigilator

Spirit Animal: Very big duck

Williamstown Line

Likes: Sour cream & onion Grainwaves, bike shorts, Jetstar in-flight sudokus, and answering the phone with ‘I wake up with Today’,

Dislikes: Fishing for yabbies, wearing tank tops, eczema, and being forced into situations where chopsticks are compulsory.

Job: Chief of Counter-Terrorism

Spirit Animal: Tasmanian Tiger

Catch the tram instead? Here's what Melbourne's tram lines would look like if they were people.

Image credit: Ben Tyers 

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