This Is What Melbourne’s Train Lines Would Look Like If They Were People

By Millie Lester
17th May 2018


Melbourne trains are home to some of our city’s most eclectic peoples, and each line seems to offer up a more unique and memorable experience than the last. Naturally, we’ve decided to personify each and every one of them. And regardless of what you’re thinking, this was a very important article that needed to be written. Here’s what Melbourne’s train lines would look like if they were people.

Alamein Line

Likes: The Voice, charcoal activated brioche, worn brown leather satchels and rose gold Apple watches

Dislikes: Golden Circle crumpets, clashing Frank Green cups, documentaries and any day above 22 degrees

Job: Golf course mogul

Spirit Animal: Brown dove

Belgrave Line

Likes: White bread, Riverdale fanfiction, tram evading and bleaching delicates.

Dislikes: Turtlenecks, manual cars, the Pretty Little Liars series finale and anything with pips.

Job: Freelance art curator

Spirit Animal: Beached whale

Craigieburn Line

Likes: $2 sandwich day at 7-Eleven, choccie milk, razor scooters and dismantling O-bikes.

Dislikes: Fluffy dogs, feminism, parsley and Collingwood not making the finals.

Job: Pyramid schemer

Spirit Animal: One-armed crab

Cranbourne Line

Likes: Chiko Rolls, 7Mate, rating people’s mums out of ten and giving tourists the wrong directions at Fed Square.

Dislikes: Cappuccinos, dark chocolate, cardiovascular exercise and the law.

Job: Semi-professional gambler

Spirit Animal: Kelpie with rabies

Frankston Line

Likes: Catching possums, setting fire to things, slagging Ben and Liam on the Triple J Facebook page and Lipton Iced Tea.

Dislikes: Veganism, small dogs, Chrissie Swan and men who abuse their wives.

Job: PE teacher

Spirit Animal: Domesticated stingray

Glen Waverley Line

Likes: Cleaning the oven, white marshmallows, recycling and yelling at Telstra.

Dislikes: Green capsicums, food court sushi, hairless cats and people who take trolleys through the self-checkout.

Job: Bespoke jewellery designer

Spirit Animal: White Siberian tiger

Hurstbridge Line

Likes: Infinity pools, pineapple mimosas with the gals, McDreamy and ‘going off the grid’.

Dislikes: Low phone battery, voting in local elections, Monopoly and people who receive money from Centrelink.

Job: Tuck Shop Duty Manager

Spirit Animal: Flamingo runt

Lilydale Line

Likes: Weight Watchers chocolate mousse, samurai sudokus, flying with Qantas and phone calls with mum.

Dislikes: Shepherd avocados, limbless domesticated animals, banana Paddle Pops and women’s AFL.

Job: Motivational speaker

Spirit Animal: De-sexed parakeet

Pakenham Line

Likes: Cat food specials at Coles, low-fat Greek yoghurt, Gogglebox and sharing videos of dogs and war veterans reuniting on Facebook.

Dislikes: Caged eggs, wind, So Fresh: The Best Hits of Summer, and babies with no hair.

Job: Pilot in training

Spirit Animal: Flightless bird

Sandringham Line

Likes: Hot Milos, John Marsden novels, monogrammed Kikki.K stationery and mini golf.

Dislikes: Cold popcorn, National Tiles ads, KitKat Chunkies and getting stuck behind tourists at the Myki machine.

Job: Crochet Artist

Spirit Animal: Retired greyhound

Showgrounds / Flemington Racecourse

Likes: Leaving the party early, fresh scones, stealing things from Coles and shower beers.

Dislikes: Racing animals for sport, a dry T-zone, the red Wiggle and people who share their bed with their pets.

Job: Coles Floor Manager

Spirit Animal: Black Crowntail Male Fighting Fish

South Morang Line

Likes: Over-cooked sausages, light traffic, catching the postman at the mailbox and fresh Sodastream canisters.

Dislikes: Hatchback cars, female sports umpires, street buskers and when the drive-thru guy refuses to swap Wicked Wings for Popcorn Chicken.

Job: Westpac CEO

Spirit Animal: Retired pacing horse

Stony Point Line

Likes: Re-posting Facebook statuses from animal shelters, reverse-parallel parking, frozen McCain margherita pizzas and setting fire to restaurant napkins.

Dislikes: Old people, road tolls, Kesha and the smell of smoke.

Job: Weather presenter

Spirit Animal: Albino sheep

Sunbury Line

Likes: High-fives, speeding through orange lights, peeling potatoes and Tweeting at the Grey’s Anatomy cast.

Dislikes: Sweet potato fries, cycling at night, people who walk on the wrong side of the footpath, and Mother’s Day.

Job: Lifeguard

Spirit Animal: Baby black bear

Upfield Line

Likes: Mother energy drink, comparison shopping for electronics, school fates and parking in handicapped spots late at night.

Dislikes: Distrustful people, egg whites, dukkah and Natalie Bassingthwaighte on Neighbours.

Job: Public Transport Inspector

Spirit Animal: Water rat

Werribee Line

Likes: Freshly ironed bed sheets, Harvey Norman interest-free promotions, bumblebees and crying in the shower.

Dislikes: Racquet sports, soft Lindt balls, making eye contact with other people’s children, and the side effects of too many echinacea pills.

Job: VCE Exam Invigilator

Spirit Animal: Very big duck

Williamstown Line

Likes: Sour cream & onion Grainwaves, bike shorts, Jetstar in-flight sudokus, and answering the phone with ‘I wake up with Today’,

Dislikes: Fishing for yabbies, wearing tank tops, eczema, and being forced into situations where chopsticks are compulsory.

Job: Chief of Counter-Terrorism

Spirit Animal: Tasmanian Tiger

Catch the tram instead? Here's what Melbourne's tram lines would look like if they were people.

Image credit: Ben Tyers 

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