Melbourne trains are home to some of our city’s most eclectic peoples, and each line seems to offer up a more unique and memorable experience than the last. Naturally, we’ve decided to personify each and every one of them. And regardless of what you’re thinking, this was a very important article that needed to be written. Here’s what Melbourne’s train lines would look like if they were people.
Likes: The Voice, charcoal activated brioche, worn brown leather satchels and rose gold Apple watches
Dislikes: Golden Circle crumpets, clashing Frank Green cups, documentaries and any day above 22 degrees
Job: Golf course mogul
Spirit Animal: Brown dove
Likes: White bread, Riverdale fanfiction, tram evading and bleaching delicates.
Dislikes: Turtlenecks, manual cars, the Pretty Little Liars series finale and anything with pips.
Job: Freelance art curator
Spirit Animal: Beached whale
Likes: $2 sandwich day at 7-Eleven, choccie milk, razor scooters and dismantling O-bikes.
Dislikes: Fluffy dogs, feminism, parsley and Collingwood not making the finals.
Job: Pyramid schemer
Spirit Animal: One-armed crab
Likes: Chiko Rolls, 7Mate, rating people’s mums out of ten and giving tourists the wrong directions at Fed Square.
Dislikes: Cappuccinos, dark chocolate, cardiovascular exercise and the law.
Job: Semi-professional gambler
Spirit Animal: Kelpie with rabies
Likes: Catching possums, setting fire to things, slagging Ben and Liam on the Triple J Facebook page and Lipton Iced Tea.
Dislikes: Veganism, small dogs, Chrissie Swan and men who abuse their wives.
Job: PE teacher
Spirit Animal: Domesticated stingray
Glen Waverley Line
Likes: Cleaning the oven, white marshmallows, recycling and yelling at Telstra.
Dislikes: Green capsicums, food court sushi, hairless cats and people who take trolleys through the self-checkout.
Job: Bespoke jewellery designer
Spirit Animal: White Siberian tiger
Likes: Infinity pools, pineapple mimosas with the gals, McDreamy and ‘going off the grid’.
Dislikes: Low phone battery, voting in local elections, Monopoly and people who receive money from Centrelink.
Job: Tuck Shop Duty Manager
Spirit Animal: Flamingo runt
Likes: Weight Watchers chocolate mousse, samurai sudokus, flying with Qantas and phone calls with mum.
Dislikes: Shepherd avocados, limbless domesticated animals, banana Paddle Pops and women’s AFL.
Job: Motivational speaker
Spirit Animal: De-sexed parakeet
Likes: Cat food specials at Coles, low-fat Greek yoghurt, Gogglebox and sharing videos of dogs and war veterans reuniting on Facebook.
Dislikes: Caged eggs, wind, So Fresh: The Best Hits of Summer, and babies with no hair.
Job: Pilot in training
Spirit Animal: Flightless bird
Likes: Hot Milos, John Marsden novels, monogrammed Kikki.K stationery and mini golf.
Dislikes: Cold popcorn, National Tiles ads, KitKat Chunkies and getting stuck behind tourists at the Myki machine.
Job: Crochet Artist
Spirit Animal: Retired greyhound
Showgrounds / Flemington Racecourse
Likes: Leaving the party early, fresh scones, stealing things from Coles and shower beers.
Dislikes: Racing animals for sport, a dry T-zone, the red Wiggle and people who share their bed with their pets.
Job: Coles Floor Manager
Spirit Animal: Black Crowntail Male Fighting Fish
South Morang Line
Likes: Over-cooked sausages, light traffic, catching the postman at the mailbox and fresh Sodastream canisters.
Dislikes: Hatchback cars, female sports umpires, street buskers and when the drive-thru guy refuses to swap Wicked Wings for Popcorn Chicken.
Job: Westpac CEO
Spirit Animal: Retired pacing horse
Stony Point Line
Likes: Re-posting Facebook statuses from animal shelters, reverse-parallel parking, frozen McCain margherita pizzas and setting fire to restaurant napkins.
Dislikes: Old people, road tolls, Kesha and the smell of smoke.
Job: Weather presenter
Spirit Animal: Albino sheep
Likes: High-fives, speeding through orange lights, peeling potatoes and Tweeting at the Grey’s Anatomy cast.
Dislikes: Sweet potato fries, cycling at night, people who walk on the wrong side of the footpath, and Mother’s Day.
Spirit Animal: Baby black bear
Likes: Mother energy drink, comparison shopping for electronics, school fates and parking in handicapped spots late at night.
Dislikes: Distrustful people, egg whites, dukkah and Natalie Bassingthwaighte on Neighbours.
Job: Public Transport Inspector
Spirit Animal: Water rat
Likes: Freshly ironed bed sheets, Harvey Norman interest-free promotions, bumblebees and crying in the shower.
Dislikes: Racquet sports, soft Lindt balls, making eye contact with other people’s children, and the side effects of too many echinacea pills.
Job: VCE Exam Invigilator
Spirit Animal: Very big duck
Likes: Sour cream & onion Grainwaves, bike shorts, Jetstar in-flight sudokus, and answering the phone with ‘I wake up with Today’,
Dislikes: Fishing for yabbies, wearing tank tops, eczema, and being forced into situations where chopsticks are compulsory.
Job: Chief of Counter-Terrorism
Spirit Animal: Tasmanian Tiger
Catch the tram instead? Here's what Melbourne's tram lines would look like if they were people.
Image credit: Ben Tyers