We’ll be the first to admit that Melbourne’s tram network is home to an eclectic breed of peoples from all walks of life, travelling through all corners of this glorious city. We’re also never ones to pass up an opportunity to stereotype rich people as Labradoodle breeders, and we’re not stopping now.
So, here’s what Melbourne’s tram lines would look like if they were people.
1 | East Coburg - South Melbourne Beach
Likes: Gluten-free carbonara, penny boards, lensless prescription glasses and crossfit documentaries.
Dislikes: Breakfast talk shows, Instagram bots, bootcut jeans and the war on drugs.
Does for a living: Freelance anti-corruption lawyer
Spirit animal: Albatross
109 | Box Hill - Port Melbourne
Likes: Cherry tomatoes, Family Feud, moccasins and plane crash videos on YouTube.
Dislikes: Anything with pips, boyleg underwear, bath bombs and mixed netball.
Does for a living: Junior property manager
Spirit animal: Domestic pigeon
11 | West Preston - Victoria Harbour Docklands
Likes: Cappuccinos, morning walks, Susan Boyle and DFO stocktake sales.
Dislikes: Sold out Kmart furniture, Boost Juices with passion fruit, poor wifi connections and the Olympics.
Does for a living: Marketing coordinator and volunteer nail technician
Spirit animal: Maltese shih tzu
12 | Victoria Gardens - St Kilda
Likes: Crime podcasts, wearing no shirt, going to the supermarket in active wear and ‘being outdoors’.
Dislikes: Vacuuming, getting sand in the Subaru, skim milk and the very real threat of melanoma.
Does for a living: Tennis coach
Spirit animal: Border collie
16 | Melbourne University - Kew via St Kilda Beach
Likes: Hellofresh, rye toast and rose gold sunglasses
Dislikes: Traffic lights, animal abuse, Westfield and voluntary euthanasia.
Does for a living: Interior designer
Spirit animal: Toy poodle
19 | North Coburg - Flinders Street Station, City
Likes: Female representation at music festivals, indoor plants, old rescue dogs and second hand Stan Smiths.
Dislikes: Original flavoured Pringles, cryptic crosswords, motorcycles in the bike lane and historical patriarchal indoctrination.
Does for a living: Med student and life painting model
Spirit animal: Cobra
3/3a | Melbourne University - East Malvern
Likes: Tailored suits, wearing black tie to casual settings, drinking kombucha and taking portraits on their iPhone X.
Dislikes: Sports, coriander, the Will & Grace reboot and opening presents after lunch on Christmas day.
Does for a living: Thrice-failed CEO of a tech start-up
Spirit animal: Well groomed llama
30 | St Vincents Plaza - Docklands via La Trobe St
Likes: Michael Kors, crepes, baby animals and stopping to take selfies in the middle of footpaths.
Dislikes: Low phone battery, the Toaster Instagram filter, wind and The Amity Affliction.
Does for a living: Finance graduate
Spirit animal: Teacup pig
35 | City Circle (Free Tourist Tram)
Likes: Lanyards, bulk-buying toilet paper, voice messages and Starbucks frappuccinos.
Dislikes: Android phones, self-checkouts at supermarkets, chicken parmas and Australia’s institutionalised racism.
Does for a living: Small scale travel influencer on social media
Spirit animal: Squirrel
48 | North Balwyn - Victoria Harbour Docklands
Likes: Maple-glazed bacon, Windsor Smith boots, Nudie fruit juices and ironically trying on speed dealer sunnies at chemists.
Dislikes: Banana Paddlepops, South Park, reverse parallel parking and IKEA on the weekend.
Does for a living: Freelance graphic designer
Spirit animal: Porpoise
5 | Melbourne University - Malvern
Likes: Parking in handicap spaces, forgetting to pick the kids up from school, Dami Im and Bikram yoga.
Dislikes: Old people on public transport, everything Jane Bunn wears, saturated fats and people that let their cat jump on the kitchen bench.
Does for a living: Celebrity medium
Spirit animal: Senile cockatoo
57 | West Maribyrnong - Flinders Street Station, City
Likes: Domino’s $5 value pizzas, Telstra 1 cent texts, contesting speeding fines and parking across driveways.
Dislikes: Goggle Box, Vanilla Coke, the Census and getting lost in the Tullamarine multi-storey carpark.
Does for a living: ‘Re-sells shit on Gumtree for more’
Spirit animal: Bin chicken
58 | West Coburg - Toorak
Likes: Rising house prices, saying ‘gen y’, playing mixed doubles and telling the maid to put a casserole in the slowcooker.
Dislikes: Shaking hands, bin day, chlorine and the ground floor of Chadstone.
Does for a living: Advertising executive and motivational speaker
Spirit animal: Plover
59 | Airport West - Flinders Street Station, City
Likes: Time capsules, Travel Guides, Cadbury cooking chocolate and reading the plotlines of horror films on Wikipedia.
Dislikes: Tolls, the price of cinema tickets, Big W’s current swimwear range and people who chew loudly.
Does for a living: High school ceramics teacher
Spirit animal: Three-legged labrador
6 | Moreland - Glen Iris
Likes: Feed Me menus, Village Gold Class, dogs that smell nice and getting an extra can of Coke from the vending machine.
Dislikes: Cricket, native flowers, female Uber drivers and people who order ‘medium’ steaks.
Does for a living: Auditor at the Big Four
Spirit animal: Black swan
64 | Melbourne University - East Brighton
Likes: Bondi Sands 1 hour express tan, leaving bad AirBnb reviews, Nintendogs and purposely running into people on their phones.
Dislikes: Travelling interstate for work, balayage dye jobs, dogs with tails and lining up for food at the Australian Open.
Does for a living: Commerical business manager
Spirit animal: Salt water crocodile
67 | Melbourne University - Carnegie
Likes: Mother energy drink, yelling at women from cars, reading sports autobiographics and asking for barbecue sauce at fancy restaurants.
Dislikes: Backstroke, Australia’s Funniest Home Videos, greyhound racing and people knowing they still play Pokemon Go.
Does for a living: Hungry Jack’s duty manager
Spirit animal: Naked mole rat
70 | Waterfront City Docklands - Wattle Park
Likes: Drinking Passoin Pop at home, live tweeting MKR, garlic aioli and writing poems on toilet doors in Chinatown.
Dislikes: American tourists overseas, not understanding the NBN, sparkling water and crying at work.
Does for a living: Day care worker
Spirit animal: Feral cat
72 | Melbourne University - Camberwell
Likes: Freshly ironed bed sheets, Red Rock Deli chips, in-flight magazine sudokus and island benchtops.
Dislikes: Amy Schumer, ropes courses, mandatory fire alarm inspections and terrorists.
Does for a living: Car wash owner
Spirit animal: Poisonous jelly fish
75 | Etihad Stadium Docklands - Vermont South
Likes: Lee Childs books, taking slabs of Coronas to parties, unlimited chicken wings and the mighty Tigers.
Dislikes: Cats, paying car rego, 60 Minutes and people who take full trolleys through the self-checkout.
Does for a living: Concrete apprentice
Spirit animal: A seagull
78 | North Richmond - Balaclava via Prahran
Likes: Swapping bacon for smoked salmon at breakfast, driving fast when people try to overtake, getting a Fillet O Fish after kick ons and yelling at Telstra on the phone.
Dislikes: Casual Fridays, heightened volatility in the stock market, hollandaise sauce and parents who dress their kids in matching outfits.
Does for a living: In-house PR manager
82 | Moonee Ponds - Footscray
Likes: Ballet flats, over-cooked hamburgers in Wonderwhite bread, finding money on the floor in bars singing Avil Lavigne at karaoke.
Dislikes: Seeing GoT spoilers on Facebook, beach chafing, over cooking boiled eggs and getting caught stealing Soda Stream refills at Big W.
Does for a living: Subway sandwich artist by day, street car racer by night
Spirit animal: Tasmanian Devil
86 | Bundoora RMIT - Waterfront City Docklands
Likes: Getting handwritten letters in the mail, a good cherry tomato season, accidentally Facetiming relatives and reading Take5 at the checkout.
Dislikes: Battery hen farms, swearing, when the computer’s on the blink and people who don’t make eye contact when shaking hands.
Does for a living: Retired netball coach
Spirit animal: Koala
96 | East Brunswick - St Kilda Beach
Likes: Checking in at F45 on Facebook, pointing out ‘shit cars’ in carparks, telling people on Tinder how they can reduce their body fat percentage and posting pictures of salads on Instagram.
Dislikes: Wholemeal bread, getting called out for not wiping down equipment at the gym, beef flavoured Maggi Noodles and running into people from uni at the supermarket.
Does for a living: Self-taught personal trainer
Spirit animal: A male Peacock
If you're a super commuter and always on the go you'll love this roundup of Melbourne's best hole-in-the-wall coffee shops.
Image credit: Ben Tyers