Ah Melbourne: You've lived through the shushing of the Tennis this week whilst day-drunk, and settled into the fact that summer is fading fast. And while you were watching Djokovic take out the Australian Open title with moderately passing interest, we were totally listening in on your conversations, because #jernalism.
It's time once again for overheard - bringing you all the ridiculous conversations we've sneakily jotted down whilst you were talking unawares. NO ONE IS SAFE.
The Australian Open:
Girl 1: I was sitting so close, I could see Andy Murray's wedgie. It was delightful.
Girl 1: When they grunt, it's kind of disturbing. It's almost like a preview of what they'd be like in bed.
Girl 2: I feel like Murray would be a disappointment. His grunt it pretty lacklustre.
Girl 1: Yeah but Raonic's grunt is really aggressive?
Girl 2: (Sighs). Yep. You know he'd be INTO IT.
Girl 1: I think you should go and talk to that babe over there. And you should get married at the tennis next year. YES, I'LL WEAR TENNIS WHITES AND OFFICIATE.
Guy: We went through seven catering crates of eggs this weekend. SEVEN. That's... a lot of eggs. I dunno, this Melbourne place is mad.
Guy: I also like to spend my Friday nights barefoot, cooking dinner with my gay friend. Why don't I have a show on the Food Network?
Girl: Hi guys, I know this has been a long time coming but I just wanted to finally announce that I'm having a burrito baby. I'd like to thank Old El Paso for all their help over the years...
Girl 1: I actually don't spend that much money on clothes
Girl 2: You're wearing a Ksubi skirt, cashmere top, Tiffany jewellery, and a brand new Apple watch tho?
Girl 1: Yeah but I got them all on sale...
Girl 1: I think we should start up a column about the worst #fashun outfits on Instagram each week.
Girl 2: It's a bit mean though.
Girl 1: Is it? Like, doesn't that girl deserve to know that those mum jeans look hideous on her?
Some other random shit:
Girl: My Uber driver just asked me - "is it winter or summer in Brisbane?" Well, it IS a different country...
Girl: I've never seen Harry Potter, but I know it's erotic.
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Photo credit: Clueless