You've woken up on Sunday morning and your mouth is as dry as an Egyptian's sandal, the world is spinning lazily like someone pushed it off its axis, and you're hot, no you're cold, no you're hot, oh God – who knows what the hell is happening to your body right now.
Whether it was one too many red wines and KitKats while watching Mad Men, or you were pushed out the door for too many tequila suicides, somewhere amongst the delirium of your evening, amidst all the broken promises of "not drinking so much" and "no, I'm only having vodka lime and soda", you lost yourself amongst the decadence of the alcohol-fuelled occasion, and thus have awoken to the life sucking, soul cringing load of rubbish that is the hangover.
The first and most effective form of treating that pounding headache and wave of nausea is to go back to sleep and dream of easier times, but when that contemptible bruff becomes too much to bear and last night's kebab wears off to be replaced only by a relentless, gnawing hunger...you know you have to get up and do something about it.
So, forget getting to 4pm and finding yourself hanging out in the lavatory Bridget Jones style, The Urban List has hustled the ideal Melbourne hangover cures.
HAIR OF THE DOG
Some people swear by a Bloody Mary, insisting that downing the hair of the dog that bit you is the only way to kick the hangover to the curb. Having a bloody mary is not quite like taking a bubble bath in champagne*, but these tomato concoctions do have a knack of making you feel a lot better. For a fancy tomato tipple, hit up The Beaufort in Carlton or Windsor's Borsch Vodka & Tears. If you aren't interested in your two and five, hit up Miss Jackson, where the illustrious bellini is available for brunch.
The Beaufort | 421 Rathdowne Street in Carlton
Miss Jackson | 2/19 Grey Street in St Kilda
Borsch Vodka & Tears | 173 Chapel Street in Windsor
*TAKE A BATH IN CHAMPAGNE
I wrote that in the last paragraph and I quite like the idea of doing that, perhaps whilst watching some Audrey Hepburn flick as well.
The Tub | Your bathroom in your house
FIZZY DRINK AND A BURGER
If drinking more alcohol doesn't sit well and Berocca makes you sneeze/cry (just me?), try home-made fizzy pop instead. Rockwell and Sons' homestyle lemonade or kickass strawberry soda will reset those sugar levels as well as being easy on the palate. And make sure you get super friendly with their double patty smash burger with Kraft cheese and special sauce on that delicious seeded bun. They also do some sweet fried birds...
Rockwell and Sons | 288 Smith Street in Collingwood
A SOOTHING CUPPA
Perhaps there is nothing you find more soothing than a piping hot cuppa to placate Sunday's savage beast. Stock up on some Larsen and Thompson courtesy of the Travelling Samovar, or maybe a teatini from Storm in a Teacup. If you need somewhere to sit, read the paper and recover, hit up Journal Cafe in the city for a notable chai, or Ascot Vale's Reverence for its incredible selection of teas courtesy of Somage and a Valhrona hot chocolate that'll banish any lingering cretins in your brainstem. However, if it is a cold tea you desire, look no further than a bubble tea from EasyWay – they'll have you sorted with a icy mango green tea.
Travelling Samovar | 412 Rathdowne Street in Carlton
Reverence | 155 Union Road in Ascot Vale
Storm in a Teacup | 48 Smith Street in Collingwood
Journal Cafe | 253 Flinders Lane in Melbourne
EasyWay | 200 Bourke Street in Melbourne
BIG, BAD, NAUGHTY BOY BREAKFAST
Sometimes, the only things that's going to cut it is an epic feed. Your stomach insists on perfect poachys accompanied by that tempestuous seductress, that creamy, lemony goodness, that yellowy condiment of glory – hollandaise. Oh and bacon, tomatoes, avo, mushies, throw in a hash brown for good measure – you know the drill. Unbeatable Bennys you will find at Las Chicas in St Kilda, as well as a groovy atmosphere that will ease your mind. Green in Brunswick also deserves a mention for its ten-dollar Benedicts, with no cuts to deliciousness.
Big brekkos are abundant at Pillar of Salt, where the quality of produce and incredible portions have any late-morning-emerger singing their praises. Liar Liar is much the same, though don't go past the scrambled eggs if you've run out of Panadol. Mixed Business' homemade beans are for the heaviest of hangovers, and their coffee is top notch, too. Footscray Milking Station will have you crying tears of joy over a pulled pork panino, while Hobba and St Edmonds will fix you up if you're hankering for bircher.
If, however, your hangover requires something fancy, make sure you hotfoot it to the Duchess Of Spotswood. El Mirage is the only place for those who need thick slabs of buttery sourdough, and Grigon's and Orr Cornerstore will help you out if you need a hug on the side.
Las Chicas | 203 Carlisle Street in Balaclava
Green | 115 Sydney Road in Brunswick
Pillar of Salt | 541 Church Street in Richmond
Liar Liar | 90 Kinkora Road in Hawthorn
Mixed Business | 486 Queens Parade in Clifton Hill
Footscray Milking Station | 35 Bunbury Street in Footscray
Hobba | 428 Malvern Road in Prahran
St Edmonds | 154 Greville Street in Prahran
Duchess of Spotswood | 87 Hudsons Road in Spotswood
Grigons and Orr | 445 Queensberry Street in North Melbourne
El Mirage | 349 Lygon Street in Brunswick
A PASTRY FROM BABKA
This is a personal hangover cure, and I maintain that an almond croissant from Babka (or any crumbly pastry from their cabinet for that matter) is the single greatest culinary treat one can eat when they are hungover. Get one before you die.
Babka | 358 Brunswick Street in Fitzroy
HEART FRIENDLY HANGOVER
This is for the times you go a little cray-cray on the late night kebab, and the thought of doubling up on the grease for brunch takes you quickly to quease-town. If that is the case, may we suggest grabbing a fresh coconut from Aunt Maggies or Wholefoods Food Store if you want to walk and drink, or hit up Hanoi Hannah if you want to sit inside, or potentially add a little bit of rum to the mix. If coco-loco ain't your thing, grab a fancy fruit combo from the kings of good packaging and clean eating – Pressed Juices – or perhaps a ginger-infused happiness drink from the orange coloured paradise – Tropicana. If you need something colder than that, buy some gourmet icypoles from Brunswick Blox, park yourself on the nature strip and lick your troubles away.
Aunt Maggies | Various locations
Wholefoods Food Store | 320 Bay Street in Brighton
Hanoi Hannah | 180 High Street in Prahran
Pressed Juices | Various Locations
Tropicana | 213 Elizabeth Street in Melbourne
Brunswick Blox | See Facebook for suppliers
SIT IN A COLD, DARK ROOM
Choc tops, air conditioning, comfy seats and guaranteed entertainment? What better way to live through your hangover than in the cinema, and Cinema Nova can provide. With a huge selection of indie flicks and the option of having a fancy lunch whilst you view your flick, what more can you want?
Cinema Nova | 380 Lygon Street in Carlton
TAKE A TRIP TO CHINATOWN
If your hangover is upset that you missed out on your 3am dumpling attack, have no fear, for Footscray is here. Lobster noodles and spring rolls are to be found and demolished at Lucky Star, whereas Tan Huu Thanh will have you drooling over salt and pepper calamari. Go gyoza at 1+1 Dumpling and Noodles, or turn Japanese with Ebi. If Footscray is way too hard, get a big steaming bowl of happiness (pho) from I Love Pho 264 in Richmond, steamed balls of meaty dumpling from Kanoodles, or hit up some pork buns from China Bar in the city. Shop Ramen and Lee Ho Fook are a wholesome addition for northsiders, however, the undisputed monarch of the doughy ball of goodness is the South Melbourne Market, whose dim sum will have you crawling out of bed regardless of which side of town you're on.
Lucky Star | 190 Footscray Market, 81 Hopkins Street in Footscray
Tan Huu Thanh | 100 Hopkins Street in Footscray
1+1 Dumpling and Noodles | 84 Hopkins Street in Footscray
Ebi | 18A Essex Street in Footscray
Kanoodles | 2/520 Victoria Street in Melbourne
I Love Pho 264 | 264 Victoria Street in Richmond
South Melbourne Market | 322-326 Coventry Street in South Melbourne
China Bar | Various Locations
Shop Ramen | 329 Smith Street in Collingwood
Lee Ho Fook | 92 Smith Street in Collingwood
If you need hot chips for your hangover, head here.
If you like KFC, but can't bring yourself to go there, try these.
If poached eggs are not the correct consistency for your post party do, this may help you.
If you must nourish before you party, and spend the rest of the day in bed, be prepared with this handy list.
Main Image Credit: Drizzle & Dip