Valentine’s Day is probably one of the most awkward holidays in existence. If you’re single, it’s annoying. If you’re loved-up, it’s stressful. And if you’re someone who finds it hard to articulate their exact position on capitalist scams, rampant commercialism and exorbitantly overpriced floral arrangements – because while all that Valentine’s Day criticism is probably valid, flowers are nice, aren’t they?—it’s exhausting.
Whatever your position on Valentine’s Day, we’re here to help you respond awkwardly to it. Because life isn’t all roses, chocolates and sexually-suggestive cards. It’s also uncomfortable conversations, complicated relationships and insensitive f*#kwits.
Yes, we mean of both the male and female persuasion.
- is for “Awkward together or awkward alone, I’m still awkward.”
- is for “I don’t have a bae, my baeloved is a baegel.”
- is for commitment-phobes, co-dependents and chocolate. Only one of these will never let you down.
- is for delicate dance of protocol for those in undefined relationships. Or divorce, always a great topic of conversation on Valentine’s Day.
- is for eligible. “I’m one of Australia’s most eligible bachelors or bachelorettes and Osher Gunsberg told me not to say any more at the present time.”
- is for forced laughter. “Hahahahaha, yep, forever alone”—*cries in the corner*
- is for “Good luck with focusing on every little thing that’s not perfect in your relationship today.”
- is for “Holiday created by Hallmark? Actually, no. Valentine’s Day has roots in an ancient Roman fertility festival called Lupercalia, which involved wine, nudity and slapping women with strips of goat hide drenched in sacrificial blood. Sexy, huh?”
- is insult to one’s dignity or “I don’t like you in that way.”
- is for Jabberwocky. Start to recite this nonsense poem by Lewis Carroll if you find yourself trapped in a conversation you don’t want to have.
- is for Kanye, the ultimate example of self-love. Tell people, “I’m taking my inner Kanye out for Valentine’s Day” and get yourself some tasty Uber Eats.
- is for ‘like’, the low-maintenance term for people in a relationship tiptoeing around that big four-letter word. Unfortunately, it looks pretty shit on a greeting card.
- is for messy. “My room, my weekends, my love life.”
- is for Netflix and kill the next person who asks about your relationship status.
- is for “Okay, cupid, you psycho.”
- is for putting up with intrusive questions and impossible pressure. Also pizza. Delicious pizza.
- is for quaffing wine. In response to, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” Works a treat for both single and coupled-up.
- is for roses. Not the flower, this song. Consider it your anthem if you’re single and apply it to a suitable ex.
- is for ship. If you’re not being ‘shipped’ with anyone right now, dedicate this day to your friendSHIPS and remind your mates you love them.
- is for “Tis a pity he’s/she’s a whore.” It’s a quote from a sixteenth-century play AND a song by David Bowie.
- is for untag, e.g., when the person you’re seeing tags you on Facebook but you’re not really comfortable taking your relationship public just yet.
- is for “Vomiting in my mouth a little bit listening to you talk incessantly about your bae.”
- is for “Will you accept this rose?”
- is for “X-tremely sorry but I have a date at the X-treme screen for a viewing of Jumanji.”
- is for “You’re not bad!” Repeat it to yourself or give it as a backhanded compliment to your lover on Valentine’s Day.
- is for zzzzzz aka pretending Valentine’s Day is over already.
If you're looking for the perfect date night for Valentine's Day, this list will help.
Image credit: Bruce Mars