While we spend a lot of time here at The Urban List, debating the consistency of the perfect poached egg, or how long is to long to wait for a baked good—any longer than ten minutes and you’ve lost me—we also acknowledge that our flat whites taste a hell of a lot better when served by a human being that looks like they’ve stepped straight out of our secret Instagram search tag dreams, whether you’re a #girlswithglasses fan or a #guyswithtattoos lurker.
So, looking for a brunch spot that’ll float your crush-out boat while filling your stomach? Or a bar that’ll blend you a bellini while giving you a… Cute smile? Read on for the names that keep popping up on our eye candy list.*
Tall Timber is all about canvas aprons, strong coffees, and expertly tousled facial hair. You won’t know whether to Instagram the waiter or that plateful of edible flowers he’s just set in front of you…
Prince Alfred Hotel
I don’t know if the Prince Alfred made this list because their suntrap of a beer garden makes everyone look infinitely more attractive, or because I’m always on the Pimms when I’m there, but seriously, guys, keep up the aesthetics and the incredibly addictive jugs of cocktails.
Anytime one of The Urban List drops by Coin Laundry for some baked eggs and an iced latte, they immediately return shouting, “I swear they all have modelling contracts.”
Not only is Lume one of the most beautiful dining spaces in the state, their incredibly well-informed staff look like they’d be as at home on a Milanese catwalk as they would be educating you about a particularly rare vintage that you’ll be tasting that evening. You know what they say: Knowledge is power. Sexy power.
I thought that ‘Happiness makes you a more beautiful person,’ was a myth fabricated by ‘inspirational’ Pinterest boards, but if Serotonin Eatery is anything to go by, it might just be true. Won’t you stay awhile and sip this turmeric latte with me?
Not only does recently expanded Abbotsford bruncheria Little Big Sugar Salt serve some of the tastiest breakfasts around, they also employ a particularly well groomed collection of human beings. Gimmie a bunch of tattooed chefs, some slick branding, and one of the hottest postcodes on the northside, and I’m yours.
From the ‘like sex without socks’ chocolate and raspberry dessert (their words, not ours), to the seductive smoke-infused cocktails, to that incredible Versace cutlery, Two Wrongs basically *is* sex, and they know it.
Le Bon Ton
Hard liquor, slow-cooked meat, velvet Chesterfield couches, and dreamy service that’s always delivered with a flourish. Was that British bartender at Le Bon Ton real, or simply a figment of my Dickensian imagination?
Café De La Ville
The team at Café De La Ville are constantly setting our hearts aflutter with their double baked brioche and deliciously dark features. Oh, and cake. Allllll the cake.
Okay, so you might have a problem getting their attention on a busy evening, but when you do, a combination of the drinks, the setting and the jaw-dropping uniforms makes the lads and ladies at Boilermaker House’s CBD venue 100% worth the wait.
Smith & Daughters
Are vegans just ten times hotter than anyone else on the northside? I don’t know, but the kids who run Smith & Daughters definitely rock our socks when it comes to looks and ethical dining. Is that a tofurkey sausage in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you, team S&D?
*The Urban List team and writer acknowledge that, really, this is a rather shallow way of measuring the worth of a venue. We’re sorry. We’ll stop now.
Image: Tom Cruise in Cocktail