We Melburnians are a pretty groovy bunch—just ask us. We’re spoilt for choice when it comes to choosing where to eat, drink and spend our hard earned dollars. But everyone’s got their own little spot that keeps drawing them back in every time. Maybe it’s the burgers, or perhaps it's the obnoxious 'gram opportunities. Whatever the reason, where you end up on the regular can say a lot about a person.
Here’s what your favourite Melbourne spot says about you.
You’re a fashion extraordinaire or Comm's expert who doesn’t mind waiting two hours for a table on a Friday night (even though your starving). All to get a photo with that bomb neon sign, a nori taco and a glass of frozè. You believe any good outfit is a combination of black skinny jeans, red lipstick and a nice (designer) top. In your humble opinion, a Saturday night without a 5-minute Instagram story complete with a combination of still shots, videos and perfectly organised boomerangs is a total waste. But look on the bright side—at least it means you can re-wear your outfit when you’re queuing up again next week for some Miyagi fried chicken and edamame beans.
Heading here on a Sunday for some disco, some good vibes and some bevvies is a must. You’re all about the good tunes, and most of the time you’re the one shouting “Tuuuuuune” while pointing both fingers to the sky and hanging around the DJ booth. You love telling everyone how you went to every bush doof this summer and it “changed your life and just was a real life-humbling experience”. Also, you know that hanging out at Dr Morse like you bloody own it gives you extra cred points, and even though Abbotsford is a 45-minute tram ride from your house, it’s totally worth it.
There’s a 99% chance that you didn’t grow up in Melbourne. We know this because the point of your visits to St Ali is half for their bril' coffee and funky looking dishes and half to let all your friends back home know that you are now a fully naturalised Melbournian, drinking your cold drip out of a warehouse wearing head to toe black and that’s just how things are done now. When you head home for the holidays, you love to name drop your local coffee shop and rub it in that “there’s just no vibe here”, and “Melbourne is saaaaa much more cultured”.
You definitely didn’t get up at 6am and go to yoga class, but your head-to-toe Lorna Jane getup says otherwise. You can be seen tucking into a smashed avo with a side of smoked salmon because #insta #melbourne #cafe and so on and so forth. Having Short Straw as your favourite brunch spot means a few things are certain. You spent the last two months rent on a brand new Gucci bag, (or you went to Bali and got a really, really good fake), you own a pair of to-die-for Céline sunnies and you make sure that they accidentally
on purpose end up in your oh so candid very planned and staged breakfast pic.
Garden State Hotel
You used to hit up CQ every Saturday, but after turning 25 you grew sick and tired of guys who claimed that they “almost got drafted to Collingwood” ruining your girls night, so you decided to move along to a more mature venue. Garden State Hotel has the most Insta vibe décor in Melbourne, but of course you've already 'grammed every square inch of the place. If you’re not having a laugh with the gals sipping on a kombucha G&T, you’re breaking it down to Nelly’s ‘Hot in Here’ and still (unfortunately) trying to swat off those 'almost' Collingwood players.
The last time you bought clothes that weren’t from Vinnies was when you were 11, and you like it that way. You're basically the walking definition of a Melbourne hipster and you love to tell people how you once saw this DJ in Berlin and it changed your life, man. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t go to Section 8 on a Sunday afternoon, shared a pale ale with all the other hipsters and pretended like graffiti and pallets are your everyday aesthetic. Afterwards, you’ll head back to your Brunswick east apartment and order vegan UberEATS.
A part of making it known to everyone in your life that you are in fact, a vision of what it means to be Melbournian is frequently indulging mid-week burgers and beers. You know the rules though— to be cooler than just a dinner, you must have it after 8 pm and there must be lagers and tunes involved. If you look down at floor level, you can see everyone scouting some form of Dr Martens and socks with little watermelons or unicorns on them. This is an integral part of your Collingwood street cred. Most of the time, you head to Mr Scruffs on a Wednesday for the half-price night, because Jonno is still an apprentice and Nath’s not for profit animal welfare vegan initiative isn’t quite off the ground yet.
Loose cannon. There, we said it. When the clock strikes midnight, a small bird inside your forehead pops out and scream 'HOW ABOUT HEARTBREAKER'. You know the tattooed bartenders by name (even if they're a little hazy on yours), and Connie's pepperoni slice with extra oregano is your 1am life-blood. There's an 80% chance you also have a strangely powerful attraction to Jankara karaoke. Tonight you will walk home to Fitzroy through the REB gardens and swim in the fountain unironically.
You're a creature of habit, and every Friday night The Carlton sucks you back with it's nostalgic, red velour tractor beam. It doesn't matter how far away the night begins, it will end out on the Carlton's balcony (or ensconced in one of the booths), drinking Draught by the pint and cackling like a maniac while a stuffed giraffe's head judges you (like it's done so many nights before). You once saw Rob 'Millsy' Mills in here and it was the highlight of your week.
Want to know some more specifics? Find out what your favourite summer drink says about you.
Image credit: Heartbreaker | Ariana Gillrie