What Your Last Google Search Says About You

By Catherine Blake
18th Jul 2015

Ever reminisce on life before Google? Every car had a refidex, and disputes over celebrity birthdays would rage on for months. Since its conception and rise to prominence as a distillery of all human knowledge, Google has infiltrated our lives and earned our absolute trust to the point where we will ask it anything (ANYTHING).

It lives in our pockets, on our tablets, at our desks, always ready to offer the deepest and most darkly sought after solutions to our problems. It’s really a flaw of humanity that we would trust something that much. Fortunately, Google has not yet become sentient and proffers the answers to our quandaries with little to no judgment, which is more than can be said for a librarian.

If you’re not afraid of a little harsh insight into your twisted whims, go to your web history, find the last thing you Googled, then scroll to see what it really says about you:

How to change a lightbulb

‘How to’ searches are favoured mostly by new adults, fresh home-leavers, and everyone part of the Wi-Fi generation. The old argument ‘I’d rather go to work for two hours and call a plumber than learn how to fix my cistern’ runs pretty thin at 2am when the bathroom gets flooded.

What is togarashi?

You recently had to bluff your way through a Tinder date by pretending to know everything the waiter was talking about while frantically Googling ‘skyrclover’ under your napkin. It’ll all be worth it when Rightswipey McSexGod marries you…  

How to spell...

Pseryasis? Psariosys? You’ve read about it extensively on Web MD and are by now convinced you’ve got it, but no one will give you the sympathy you deserve until a proper doctor gives you the tick of sickly approval. Which is why you’re sweating bullets in the waiting room, cursing the lack of real life auto-fill options, because you can’t spell the exact thing you are practically CRAWLING with.

Anything containing the word ‘boobs’

I’m not gonna lie, these kinds of searches are fairly ubiquitous. But any rookie who didn’t go incognito is probably 13 and tremendously bored at school. I don’t blame you, just try not to be so obvious and remember to use Ctrl+Shift+N next time. Getting caught is tremendously un-chic.

Hillary 2016

When it comes to the political sphere, your knowledge base is kind of like tapas. You’ve heard some murmurs that sounded oddly political (not your strong suit), and rather than open the Pandora’s Box of American politics to get to the bottom of it, you’d rather get the ‘nutshell’. You’re a big fan of the ‘nutshell’ approach to getting answers and a firm believer that backstories are for method actors.

Buzzfeed cats

Without doubt you are the reigning monarch of procrastination. Being swept away by the hypnotic vortex of cat gifs and foodporn is not so much an accident as a chronic habit, but it sure beats doing that other thing that you should probably be doing…

Don Bradman’s batting average

Stop cheating at pub trivia. You’re ferociously competitive to the point where your nickname in high school was Pitbull. You’ll do whatever if takes to win and won’t think twice about it, even if that means completely breaking the rules. This makes your boardroom tenacity the terrifying stuff of legend, but has got you banned from nearly every trivia night in Brisbane.

24hr McDonalds 

To be perfectly honest, I’m stunned you were sober enough to ask Google anything. You’re the epitome of a partyhound and are forever leaving a trail of personal effects across the rowdiest drinking halls in your city. We’d wager that if this was your last Google search, your next activity was summoning an Uber willing to take you to the drive-thru. We hope you found what you were looking for.

AUD currency converter

You’ve bookmarked so many things in so many folders it’s a flippin’ miracle anything ever actually gets bought. But when perv comes to purchase, that pesky exchange rate can really throw a spanner in the works, and that’s without the exorbitant shipping costs of mailing to the far and exotic land we live in. 

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