Funny

This Is Why You’re Not Getting Laid

By Daniel Colasimone - 15 Jun 2015

single, why am I still single, how to find a girlfriend

‘What’s wrong with all the girls in this town?’ I hear you say. ‘How is it that an ostensibly normal, non-freakish looking guy like me can’t get laid?’

Well, I’m glad you asked. We are going to address the radical notion that it is not, in fact, the girls who are the problem in this situation.

Sure, some guys are just unlucky with the ladies. And the infamous ‘drought’ is definitely a real phenomenon that can strike at any time.

But whether they are looking for a long-term girlfriend or a one-night stand, it is also true that a good many blokes are severely sabotaging their own chances. It is to those chaps that this cheat sheet is addressed. If you tick more than one or two of these boxes, perhaps it’s time to stop blaming the female population for your inability to achieve coitus.

Grooming

  • Do you wear Lynx deodorant? That’s perfectly fine – if you’re still in high school. If you are an actual adult man and still spraying on Lynx, or in fact using any Lynx products (aftershave, hair wax, condoms) then the only effect you’ll achieve is to emanate pubescent desperation. Stop it. Now. 
  • Just because it’s winter doesn’t mean you don’t have to bathe every day.
  • If any part of your outfit involves Velcro, including your wallet, your fly or your shoes, then you’re doing it wrong. Learn to do up buttons like a Renaissance Man. 
  • Yes, chicks dig beards. But only those men who can actually grow a full, even beard should persist with it. The ‘mangy alley cat undergoing chemo’ look does not make your face better.
  • Board shorts are for ‘getting radical in the green room’. Not for dates.

why you are not getting laid

Lifestyle

  • If you really must have a weird hobby like Ultimate Frisbee, painting Warhammer figurines or CrossFit, please do it in secret in your own time and never talk about it.
  • Oh, you have such important and frequent business to attend to that it is necessary for you to wear a Bluetooth earpiece? Congratulations champion. Don’t expect people to like you though.
  • Don’t write for The Urban List. It’s a massive turn off for the opposite sex.
  • If you’ve ever ordered a pie or hotdog-stuffed crust pizza, you will remain a virgin for eternity.
  • You just ain’t gonna get any action if you drive a Yaris.

why you are not getting laid

Behaviour

  • Sitting in a bar or café and writing/sketching in a notebook won’t get you laid. It will get you unlaid.
  • Whether you’re on a date or ‘on the prowl’, surprisingly it is not an advantage to get yourself rancid munted. For some bizarre reason women are not impressed with drunk men who speak at high volume, keep slurring the same thing over and over (even if it is ‘you’re eyes are so byudaful’), keep checking out the rack on the girl at the next table, have vomit splattered on the front of their shirt, and have zero chance of rising to the occasion later.
  • Your arrogance, real or false, is not doing you any favours. Your date does not want to talk about how many Ks you cycled this morning, how sweet your boat is or what an awesome job you have. She wants to talk about how her sister is having boyfriend troubles. Listen to her and stop blowing your own bugle.
  • I assume pick-up lines work for Tom Hardy. Probably for Ryan Gosling too. They won’t work for you, my friend. ‘I'm going to have sex with you tonight, you might as well be there to enjoy it’ may look great on paper, but it just doesn’t work in reality. 
  • On a date, you’re allowed to look at your phone a maximum of one time, and only when she’s gone to the toilet. Any more than that and you are subhuman psychopath. 

Image Credit: Salon

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