Bayside Melburnians are a proud, fiery people. On weekends, their lycra-clad bodies emerge from leafy driveways and shimmy down the street, drawn by the wafting smell of macchiato and enticing pastel homewares. Land Rovers outnumber humans, and haughty dogs stalk the land in designer coats like something from an Orwellian beachside nightmare. Yeah, you know deep down if you’ve got Bayside in your blood. But if you need a spotter’s guide, here’s one we prepared earlier.
You know you’re from Bayside when…
1. Your grandma’s bathroom has soap shaped like seashells.
2. You pride yourself on being able to identify school blazers at a great distance.
3. Rosé tastes better to you than real wine.
4. You once saw Megan Gale on Bay St and she was taller than you thought.
5. You’ve made your own peanut butter at Thomas Dux and actually thought it was better than peanut butter made by trained professionals.
6. When your Northside friends give you a hard time about Thomas Dux, you tell them, ‘You get what you pay for.’
7. Jokes, you don’t have Northside friends. The Yarra protects you.
8. You have a Portsea boatshed, but get self-conscious and tell people ‘It’s not that big.’
9. You legitimately couldn’t point to Kensington on a map.
10. You’re a young dad who jogs with their pram.
11. You own a Volkswagon Golf, or are considering buying a Volkswagon Golf.
12. You pay extra for South Pacific Health Club because it makes you feel like you’ve succeeded in life.
13. You know both verses of the National Anthem (cheers, private school).
14. Of all the things in your apartment, at least 20% of them are rose gold.
15. You’ve heard of trams, but you have no interest in learning more.
16. You think Bayside beaches are actual beaches.
17. When it comes to peninsulas, Mornington trumps Bellarine. In fact, you only learned Bellarine was a thing like two months ago.
18. Foxes Den salads seem reasonably priced to you.
19. Your dog has a favourite outfit.
20. It’s his tartan coat.
21. You know the correct egg-poaching temperature (it’s 63 degrees).
22. You consider any shade less than tan to be bordering on indecency.
23. When antiquing above the Yarra, you bring trail mix (organic) and a compass in case of disaster.
24. You have the Nimbus 2000 of push bikes. You don’t know what half the buttons do.
25. Forget the Opera House. Brighton Beach Boxes are Australia’s premier tourist attraction.
26. You have one tie-knot, and it’s the one you mastered in Grade 7. You feel self-conscious about it.
27. You’ve nearly killed a Beach Rd cyclist on more than one occasion.
28. You are a Beach Rd cyclist.
29. Frankston marks the borders of your territory, like that shadowy place in the Lion King where no-one ever goes.
30. The bit immediately after Frankston feels surprisingly nice. You wonder why you don’t get down here more often.
31. Your car makes a ‘dk dk’ noise when you lock it.
32. You own two pairs of sneakers.
33. One is for jogging and the other is for ‘cross training’. You’re still a bit unsure about what ‘cross training’ means.
34. Your key ring has something on it that isn’t keys.
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Image credit: Kevin Poh