We’re only two episodes into Australia’s newest reality TV craze and for the love of Christ can somebody please pour bleach over my eyeballs?? Collectively, the girls are short a few long sleeve shirts and the guys are one can of express tan away from dihydroxyacetone poisoning. And yet someone’s funding the production of this Instagram orgy instead of providing education to third world children. Welcome to the twenty-first century; come on in, the water’s warm.
Here are 32 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with Tayla getting a text from who we can only assume is the creepy Irish guy making seagull noises in the voiceover, which tells Kim to dog one of the girls and steal their man.
- Behind the straw loveseats, Erin is already loading up a poison dart and doing some tricep stretches by the barbecue, because if some chick is going to steal her man, she’s going to steal her motor skills.
- Since this baker’s dozen of walking melanomas has only known each other for about seventeen hours, they’re going out of their way to ‘make conversation’ when traditionally 80% are self-confessed root ‘n’ boot daters.
- Grant’s putting on an absolute clinic in the bedroom, raising topics such as fidelity and macarons with Cassidy.
- Meanwhile, Erin and Eden are tongue-punching each other’s voice boxes in bed with the lights on.
- Cassidy and Grant then start to familiarise themselves with each other’s crannies a couple of beds over.
- However, in the morning Cassidy realises that all her primary school teachers just saw her bumping uglies with a cement sniffer whose pet name for her is ‘m8’ and is very distressed that this could harm her candidacy for 2018 Young Australian of the Year.
- She then confronts Grant about it and he repeats something he read in the sealed section of his sister’s Girlfriend Magazine twelve years ago and earns himself a smooch on his facial meat flaps.
- Charlie and Josh then give each other a sensual massage in a bid to steal the Queer Eye audience from Netflix.
- Outside, Grant’s sweating bullets that Kim won’t be able to resist his saucy rig.
- However, Kim’s currently getting drilled by questions from Justin, who’s asking her what her favourite colour is because apparently he was raised by goats.
- Another text from the Potato Farmer tells Kim she has to play American doubles with two meatballs or hand over her favourite Seafolly bikini, so she picks Josh and Charlie to accompany her to a deserted tarp in the middle of a paddock.
- Josh is quietly confident that she could choose him to partner up with tonight because word on the street is she likes the outdoors and he reckons he could be outdoors with her (??).
- Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere, Kim’s choking down a glass of grasshoppers and Josh is slowly popping his shirt buttons as he realises his personality just isn’t doing it for her.
- Kim then reveals that she has a two-year-old son and Josh asks her if her son is a boy or a girl and then freaks out and leaves.
- Back at the villa, he then tells everyone (including his current girlfriend) it was the best date he ever had.
- Charlie then arrives at the field of love and, after a brief argument over wine glasses, tells Kim that if he could, he’d couple up with himself.
- He does then admit he’d give her a crack if she chose to couple up with him though.
- Kim is VERY flattered.
- Back at the villa, the boys accuse Kim of ‘mindscrewing’ them.
- Tayla then tells Grant that she wants him to invite her for Bubble’O Bills at the IGA down the street.
- Grant then announces he’s in a love circle and throws Tayla over his shoulder for a victory lap of the bathroom.
- Cassidy is visibly upset at this crummy gesture, but Grant has the emotional intelligence of a Burger Ring and blames his inability to communicate with women on them all being unreasonable sociopaths.
- Millie then tells Grant his diagnosis is bang on because f*ck the sisterhood.
- The Irish fella then hits play on So Fresh Autumn 2011 and Tayla tells Grant to pick me, choose me, love me.
- Justin then has a cry in the diary room because Tayla is talking about fruits with another man. But he cuts his losses and asks Kim if she’ll give him a lifetime of servitude and baby wombs in return for some signed headshots.
- Initially she says no, but then Justin offers to tell her where the immunity idol is hidden and she caves to his model charm.
- All the boys deck themselves out in their best denim before doing a series of chest bumps and wishing each other luck with these ‘psycho b*tches’.
- Kim gets a text telling her to Animporph into homewrecker mode and choose a man.
- She makes some big speech about choosing someone based on their backgammon abilities and picks Josh.
- Tayla sheds a single tear for the joint YouTube account that could have been.
- And Australia collectively smashes its head against the wall, begging for mercy.
Catch up on all things Love Island here.
Image credit: 9Now