So, your relationship is coming to an end. It was all fun and games at first when you were really into each other, were permanently cuddling and your favourite thing in the whole world was to go get fish and chips on a Sunday night and watch the sunset whilst holding hands.
But that wore off. Cuddling turned to eye-rolling. Hand-holding turned to muttering ‘you’re an idiot’ under your breath. And sunset fish and chips turned to ‘For the fifth time Daniel can you please take the bins out, 'WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO GODDAMN LAZY?!’
And now, just the thought of your significant other annoys, irritates and repulses you so much that you would rather listen to Nickelback on repeat than hear their voice.
So you need to end things, quick smart. And sometimes the only thing harder than breaking up with someone is finding somewhere to do it. Luckily for you though, we have your best interests at heart, and have done the ground work to find you Perth’s best break-up spots.
This place is nice and noisy, you can just keep your breakup speech nice and short, not even worry about whether they can understand you and carry on enjoying your whiskey and free peanuts. Then the next day, when your partner is acting like everything is normal, you very calmly say ‘Oh babe, we broke up last night, didn’t you hear me? Gosh that bar is so darn loud, isn’t it? K bye.’
Late Night Valentine
A good one if your other half likes to make a scene. This place is crowded, busy and full of security. So if your partner gets angry and starts yelling when you deliver the break-up news, you can a) run away and disappear in to the crowd and b) be rest assured that security personnel will rush over and intervene when they see someone screaming on the dance floor.
Bad Apples Bar
They have self-serve wine dispensers. Perfect for providing yourself with liquid courage pre-breakup, and perfect for your new ex to drown their sorrows once you’re done.
The Flour Factory
Games are fun. Games that involve alcohol are even more fun. So tell your partner that sadly you’re just not that keen anymore, then give them $10 to spin The Flour Factory’s gin wheel. That’ll lift their spirits.
Joe’s Juice Joint
Joe’s is darker than most bars, so once you deliver the break-up news, you can run away toot-sweet and be guaranteed your partner will not be able to find you again. A nice clean break, perfect.
Petition Beer Corner
Have you seen all the different types of beer this place has? It’s ridiculous. We didn’t know that many different beers existed. So, suggest to your partner that you go try all the beers at Petition one night, and get them nice and tipsy. Then when they wake up the next morning and ask you to make them breakfast, say ‘We broke up last night, don’t you remember? You must have had too many beers. See ya round.’
Whisper Wine Bar
Definitely a go-er if your partner is a yeller. This little French-inspired wine bar is so sophisticated and delightful, someone raising their voice in there would seem very out of place. If your other half does happen to start yelling though, they will get some serious stares from the dignified bar staff and refined clientele, which will shut them up nice and quickly. Then you can continue your breakup speech as planned, finish your chardonnay, and bid them adieu.
Wok St Chow House
It’s impossible to be angry at Wok St—delicious food, great drinks, awesome beats and extremely friendly waitstaff. So many wonderful things to make you love life, you have no choice but to be happy. Being in this state of bliss will make your partner much more accepting of your break-up decision. Handy tip: go on a Wednesday or Thursday night when you can get a $15 dinner and drink special, so you have the added happiness factor of scoring a bargain on your side.
The Guildford Hotel
If you’re breaking up with your partner because you’ve discovered they’ve wronged you some epic way and you’re seeking payback, tell them you’ve planned a romantic date at The Guildford Hotel. Drive them all the way out there and then—leave them there! Ah revenge, it tastes sweeter than Nutella, doesn’t it?
And just in case you're the dumpee, here's How Not To Be A Dick About Being Rejected.
Bad Apples Bar | Image credit: Nancy Hanna