Funny

8 Ways To Survive Another Brisbane Earthquake

By Jessica Pridmore - 30 Jul 2015

Holy hell Brisbane; what’s going on? Between snowfall out west, a re-enactment of Sharknado 3 in our waters (Mick Fanning you’re our hero!), to a freaking earthquake rattling off the coast not 2 hours ago. Seriously, is this the end of the world as we know it?! Will we even make it to the Ekka? In light of our brush with death, we thought it our public duty to put together a handy survival guide the next time Mother Nature decides to pull rank.

Here’s the 8 best—and totally sensible—ways to survive another Brisbane earthquake:

  1. Hot-foot it down to your nearest Coles and clear out the biscuit isle. Tim Tams are the perfect sustenance in case of a natural disaster. Be honest, in your final hours are you really going to reach for the trail mix?
  2. Drop into your nearest bottle shop and stock up on top-shelf liquor. Because #treatyoself; this might be our last days, but we’ll be damned if we can’t go out clinking glasses of outrageously expensive champers!
  3. To protect one’s self from falling debris, take your finest doona and wrap it around your body. That’s some serious Bear Grylls shit.
  4. It’s absolutely imperative that your Internet connection is still working for all that Netflix bingeing you’ll be doing if you get trapped inside your house (because missing out on catch-up episodes of OITNB would be the real travesty here).
  5. Once you’ve settled into pre-apocalyptic life, go on a social media bender. Snapchat that celebrity crush you have zero chance of ever hooking up with in real life, swipe-right to any and all on Tinder that are within walking distance of your house. There's nothing like a brush with death to make a 6 look like a 10… Go hard or go home, right?
  6. Let’s face it, if this is the end of the world, then we might as well go out swinging; scrap the diet and tuck into some of Brisbane’s craziest, heart-cloggingly delicious dishes. Make sure you hit up these guys before you cark it.
  7. If these are our final hours, you really do want to make sure you scrub up well (in case you’re thinking open-casket?). Go hell-for-leather and max-out that plastic down on James St; pick yourself up some killer threads at camargue, and raid the shelves at Mecca Cosmetica. The best kind of guilt-free shopping ever!
  8. You should definitely follow us on Facebook… You know, just in case we’ve over-dramatised the situation just a smidge, you’ll need some tips on where to go for post-apocalyptic draanks come Friday. Your nerves will no doubt be shot to shit after reading this.

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