Disturbing news emerged recently about the danger involved in wearing skinny jeans. An Adelaide woman had a near-fatal experience while wearing that hipster standard, a pair of super-tight denims.
The brave young lady had opted for aesthetics over practicality, choosing to wear her skinny jeans while squatting for several hours to clean out some cupboards (instead of say, some loose denim overalls or culottes). The blood supply to her legs was cut off, her calves swelled and she ended up collapsing in a nearby park, unable to move. The jeans had to be cut off with the Jaws of Life. She literally almost died.
While you have to applaud her hipster dedication—she was, after all, just helping out a rellie and not some lumbersexual bartender friend—it must be said that looking rad is not worth it if it puts your life in danger. Sure, if she hadn’t survived, the doctors probably would have commented on how ‘on point’ her outfit was, but you can’t marry a cute doctor if you’re dead, as my gnomic uncle used to shout at the dinner table.
If we can take anything from this ghastly tale, it’s that hopefully now fashionistas and hipsters are more aware of the dangers of skinny jeans. But it also means we can shine a light on some of the other risks they are taking when they kit themselves out every morning. Being cool can be a death trap.
#1 Ironic Vintage Sweaters
Picking up retro clothes at an op shop is a no-brainer if you’re living the hipster lifestyle. Where else are you going to get an ironic Hanson T-Shirt or a pair of 25-year-old corduroy pants? What many don’t consider, however, is the life-threatening bacteria that could be living in that dope poncho they just spent $20 for. Sure, the sweet old lady at Vinnie’s says she washes everything, but we all know she doesn’t (note: Just kidding, I’m sure she does, don’t sue me Vinnie’s). Those clothes can be carrying everything from the putrefied sweat of ancient Incas to diseases such as anthrax and the Plague. Heaven forbid a contaminated reindeer sweater wipes out the entire Paddington café set in one fell swoop.
#2 Designer Dogs
And what of the designer dogs that are a fundamental accessory for any hipster? Yes, puggles, pomchis and cockapoos are super cute. But that are super cute FREAKS OF NATURE. Humankind has been playing God for far too long by engineering adorable pets that people can take for walks in trendy suburbs. Haven’t we learnt anything from Jurassic World? I envision a day when every one of these little abominations goes into a frenzy, ripping off the limbs of their owners with their pointy little teeth and feasting on their entrails.
Then there are beards. We’ve already been warned by the authorities that they are riddled with bacteria and spread infection. But what else is in there? They are the perfect dark, moist environment for a female scorpion to lay her eggs, for example. Do you really want to be kissing someone when dozens of little baby scorpions start crawling out of his beard? Didn’t think so.
#4 Mason jars, vintage bikes, man buns, etc.
I could go on and on about drinking cocktails out of jars (that probably contain traces of lead from the paint that was once in there), riding vintage bikes (vintage breaks fail, you plunge into a lake, get eaten by eels) sporting a man-bun (that could get you mistaken for a samurai and beheaded by a rival) or wearing oversized spectacles (mistaken for a government scientist by North Korean spies, kidnapped, tortured until you reveal state secrets), but you probably stopped reading a while ago.
The message for any hipsters reading is that you must decide whether their high-risk lifestyle is really worth it. If your answer is yes, then make sure you have penned your will and made your peace with God.
Image credit: Ad Week