Funny

25 Of The Hardest Things About Being Single On The Gold Coast

By Kaitlyn Smith - 15 Oct 2017

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It’s a bloody battlefield out there. Yep, every day us single guys and gals wake up ready for war. We arm ourselves against the minefields of happy couples, too busy inducing nausea to notice our cynical eye-rolls and scoffs, we sprint desperately to navigate the grenades of insulting pick-up lines hurled our way and finally, come day’s end, we retreat to our safe haven where neither our bed or Netflix are shared. 

Yep, singledom certainly has its peaks but it also has its pits. And the Gold Coast—along with all its brutal reminders of romantic sunsets and dog-walking couples—can have us feeling a little... errr, bitter? So, spare a thought for the souls who wake up every morning without an assumed cafe companion, because singledom on the GC could put a person into therapy! Here’s why:

  1. Think you’ve got no previous link to a potential significant other? Wrong! Your cousin's best-mate-former-co-worker's roommate follows them on Instagram. So, you’d better not go there. 
  2. If you’re female, single and walking into Justin Lane Rooftop over the weekend, prepare yourself to feel violated by 1,000 man-hungry eyes any time you turn your head. 
  3. Finally meeting someone you like! And then finding out they live in Southport while you’re living in Tugun. Mmmm, nah. 
  4. Chances are all your pals are busy with their partners on the weekend, so solo visits to a cafe (jam-packed with other couples) is a nice reminder of your impending doom of loneliness.
  5. Learning that investing in the life-long companionship of a pet variety is the only committed relationship you really need.
  6. When you’ve been single for so long, should you run into anyone you know whilst in the company of the opposite gender, they automatically assume you’re on a date… Nope, Jan—that’s my 86-year-old grandpa. But, thanks. 
  7. Attempting to meet anyone via a method that doesn’t involve Tinder or Bumble offers a similar success rate to Lindsay Lohans’ music career. 
  8. The elephant in the room (or Uber) after your walk of shame from Cooly to Broady. ‘Yes, Mr Uber Driver, I did get some action last night. But please, tell me more about how you became an Uber driver?!’
  9. Feeling a bit down about your lack of love? Probably best you avoid any headlands when the sun is setting. 
  10. Not suggesting Alfred’s for a first date because basically every human you’ve met from infancy through to adulthood will show up. 
  11. Hot tip: Ignore #9 and go to Burleigh Hill anyway. When people ask why you’re sobbing, blame it on the beauty of the sunset.  
  12. Realising it's probably best to spend all your life savings and house deposit on eating out because you’re going to cling onto any bit of socialising thrown your way.
  13. Cooking for one at home usually (always) means you’re eating portions for two. PORTION CONTROL DOESN’T KNOW ME!
  14. The romanticised idea of coming home to a bottle of red and candle light dinner really just involves you alone, crying into your glass of red wine over microwaved leftovers (if any). 
  15. When you hear from a friend that a person you all know is back on Tinder. And you matched. 
  16. That look of pity when another couple runs into you at Niche & Co. and you’re solo. Again
  17. Word gets around quickly. If you’ve macked on with someone at Cambus Wallace then chances are your interstate-living ex will be blowing up your phone within a half hour.  
  18. Finding out the guy you like does Surf Life Saving—save yourself the heartache, sweetie. 
  19. Suffering through another first date at Justin Lane and knowing you’ll have to do it again. But hey, at least the food is good. 
  20. When they always listen to your woes, they feed you and they pretend to care. Yep this is it—you’ve truly found the one. Your fave bar, that is. 
  21. Being more emotionally invested in the baristas at your local cafe. They just get you.
  22. Despising the fact that Nobbys is basically the social hub for any new couple to announce said couple-ness. *insert another cynical eye-roll*
  23. Knowing you also tend to avoid Nobbys because it’s 98% guaranteed you’ll run into an ex or their new significant other there and, of course, your self-esteem will be shot to sh*t.
  24. Can’t find company for a weekend morning walk along Currumbin Esplanade? No stress! Life’s cruel reminder that you’re still alone will always accompany you. 
  25. Whole-heartedly believing all your mates got into relationships just so they didn’t have to make weekend plans with you anymore. 

LOLJK. Being single on the Gold Coast ain’t all bad. How about these things to do on the Gold Coast when you’re single as a pringle? 

Image credit: How To Be Single

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