So your parents sailed North from Sydney or Melbourne during the late 1980s-mid 1990s, and used their mediocre wealth to buy a canal-front palace. At the time it seemed like an investment in nothing more than lifestyle. But ye’ old sleepy coastal town became quite popular over the years, and that little abode allowed them to trade in the Falcon for a Merc and make the switch from Aldi to Woolies.
Next thing you know it’s 2017 and there’s a heli pad on your back lawn and your parents are carrying on like the heirs of Saudi Aramco. Sounds like you belong to ‘Gold Coast Money’.
Which means you may relate to a few of these comments…
- You’re on the mailing list of The Layt Clinic, Esteem Medi Spa and The Lotus Institute. And you once had a very serious conversation with Pamela Noon.
- The door ‘team’ at Hollywood Showgirls refer to you by first name. And you invited Sandy to the christening of your second child.
- You’d never stay at a room at Versace. Their 3-bedroom ‘condominium’ is more your style.
- In fact, it’s so your style that you check in there every time you push out a child.
- Your entire family has very mysterious gold embossed number plates on their car. You spent all that MON3Y on your beautiful shiny car, why not throw a bit more CA5H on its rego?
- Your 17th birthday present was a jet ski. LOL kidding that was your 15th. As if you’d accept a jet ski as a gift in the year you were learning to drive.
- Your 17th birthday present was a black Mercedes…
- … and you’re still a bit pissed that it was four years old. The memory of your mum chuckling out “just use that New Car Smell spray” still sends a shiver down your spine. That woman has nerve.
- Speaking of your mother, it’s been a while since she called, hasn’t it? Between luncheons and charity dos and nail appointments and taking the dog to the parlour, you’re lucky to get a weekly text message these days.
- Not to worry. Deep down you still know she loves you more than Pinot Grigio. Which means she really bloody loves you.
- You have a gardener and a pool cleaner and a house cleaner and a boat maintenance repair man. And you call them all Paul because you can’t quite remember their names but at least three of them sound like Paul … Peter? Patrick?
- You spend Christmas Day at Marina Mirage ‘cause ain’t nobody in your clan got time for washing dishes…
- …and you all agree the family nanny/cleaner should get a few days off over Christmas.
- Of the near 80 suburbs on the Gold Coast your parents have seen about four of them. One has everything one needs right here in Tedder Avenue.
- You’ve never been inside a garage that has space for less than six cars.
- You’ve never been inside a house without a gym, a sauna and a cinema, sorry media room.
- You wear business attire to dinner in Broadbeach to give people the impression you actually work.
- Because why work when you can flick a few shares around and dabble in real estate from the comfort of your level four bedroom?
- You don’t flinch spending $28 on a punnet of berries at Ferry Road Markets.
- When everyone went through a vintage fashion phase you just bought really expensive clothes that looked old.
- You’ve stopped holidaying anywhere that can’t dock your 70-foot Maritimo.
- You actually know people who live in Sanctuary Cove/Paradise Point/Sovereign Islands.
- You distinctly remember thinking it was a bit of a yawn to get dropped at your school formal in a Maserati.
- There was a time when you had to fly to Sydney or Melbourne when you needed to do a shopping spree.
- You’re not concerned by the fact your daughter is about to commence 13 years of schooling that will cost you more than the price of a private island off the coast of Panama.
- And if anyone knows the price of a private island off the coast of Panama, it’s you. With all the banking you do in that country, it’s probably time to invest in a piece of real estate.
Want more laughs? Here are 43 things that are so Gold Coast it hurts.
Image credit: MTV