Email is a passive aggressive playground for adults, rife with hidden syntactical land mines and doublespeak, used to maintain the allure of professionalism and civility, without which society as we know it would crumble.
It is too much fun.
Just in case you actually think ‘kind regards’ actually means kind regards, we’ve decoded 17 common email expressions you’ll find stinking up your inbox, you beautiful idiot.
#1. 'Just re-forwarding this in case you missed it.'
Why do you hate me?
#2. 'Just following up on this...' / 'Sorry to bother you again...'
You've fucked up and I want you to know I know it.
#3. 'Let me know if you need a hand with this.'
Do not, under any circumstances, ask for my help with this.
#4.'Apologies for the delayed response.'
I am slowing dying in the hamster wheel called life. Colours are muted and I haven’t laughed for six months. Please, kill me.
#5. 'Let me know if you have any questions.'
If you ask me a question, you’re fired.
I hate you.
#7. 'Kind regards.'
Oof. I hate you so much it’s kind of scary.
I want you to think I like you, but I probably hate you.
I want you to think I’m friendly and cool but I hate you and myself.
I’m a psychopath.
#11. ‘Thanks in advance.’
Please, for the love of God, help me.
#12. ‘I would appreciate your help in this matter.’
Oh, did you forget I’m more senior than you? * drops mic *
#13. ‘Could you look into this?’
Do this for me? Thank youuuuu.
#14. ‘Look forward to hearing from you.’
You’ve royally fucked up and you have approx. 15 minutes to reply or you’re fired.
#15. ‘Can I pick your brains?’
I’m drunk right now.
#17. ‘Happy hump day!’
I am dead inside.
Are you an office intern reading this? You better take a look at all the things you're probably doing wrong.
Image credit: The I.T Crowd