Funny

35 Things You’ll Miss When You Move Away From Melbourne

By Millie Lester - 14 Mar 2017

melbourne-laneway


There’s a lot to love about our wonderful city, which means when you get exiled for repeated instances of public transport fare evasion and questioning the abhorrent price of breakfast pastries, there’s an awful lot to miss. Here are just a few of our faves:

  1. Going on bom.gov.au every morning to check if it’s going to hail on your way to work.
  2. Flicking through the real estate pullout in the weekend paper and pretending you have a spare $3 trillion.
  3. Asking if it’s ok to pat people’s dogs at brunch.
  4. Asking if it’s ok to pat people’s babies at brunch.
  5. Repping your latest Lorna Jane purchase on the Tan.
  6. Wishing hell upon people who try to jam themselves onto packed trams.
  7. Skipping uni to watch movies at Nova on Mondays for $6.
  8. Writing off your Sunday morning to line up for a table at Top Paddock.
  9. Seeing the latest pop-culture scandal graffitied on a Cremorne factory wall.
  10. Coming up with an elaborate double life when you see a ticket inspector.
  11. Taking a half day at work to go to a Deal Or No Deal audition.
  12. Lining up for 2 hours to get a BBQ pork bao at the Night Noodle Market.
  13. Taking your out-of-town friends to ABC.
  14. Getting heat stroke at the Australian Open.
  15. Browsing Target homewares in Jam Factory while you wait for your movie to start.
  16. Saving money on petrol because driving in this city is a bloody death wish.
  17. Eating fish and chips and watching fire jugglers at St Kilda beach.
  18. Double checking your flight itinerary on the Sky Bus to make sure you aren’t flying out of Avalon.
  19. Telling your friends you HAVE to go to the Comedy Festival this year and not going.
  20. Applying to be a taste tester on MasterChef.
  21. Stockpiling Uber Eats vouchers.
  22. Getting sloshed off Jacob’s Creek sparkling and fried prawn dumplings in China Town.
  23. Pretending the Free Tram Network extends by four stops in either direction.
  24. Wondering if The Hunger Game cafe at Southern Cross Station is in breach of copyright laws.
  25. Watching the undeniable chemistry between Bec Judd and Tony Jones on the evening news.
  26. Spending your house deposit on Myki top-ups.
  27. Taking your cat to work every six months during house inspections because your landlord won’t allow pets.
  28. Cashing in your Uber Eats vouchers because you spent all your money on Adele tickets.
  29. Taping razor blades to your bike helmet so you don’t get decapitated by magpies on Birrarung Marr.
  30. Finding out the winner of The Bachelor before the rest of the country.
  31. Seeing Carlton supporters cry on the train after a match.
  32. Haggling for ugg boots at the Queen Vic Markets.
  33. Being overtaken by six-year-olds while walking the 1000 Steps.
  34. Escaping to a secluded cabin on the Great Ocean Road during elections.
  35. And spending more money on coffee than private health insurance.

Image credit: Annie Spratt

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