We know you. We love you, even though you are so totally Melbourne it hurts. So this Christmas, we're expecting that you're going to channel that Melburnian spirit into your dedication to the big day - nay, we demand it. So here are a few tips to send you on your way...
Here are our 38 ways to tell if you're having the most Melbourne Christmas ever - and if you haven't achieved at least a 50% pass, maybe it's time to step up your dedication to this fair city?
1. You start Christmas day with a carton of cold brew coffee or organic coconut water to shake off your Christmas Eve hangover.
2. Your festive outfit is from Gorman or Alphaville.
3. You ride a fixie to your Christmas Day destination.
4. That destination is a vegan Christmas picnic in Edinburgh Gardens.
5. You keep looking round for a pop-up donut store or food truck, and wonder why on earth they're allowed to go on holidays.
6. You have an umbrella, scarf, sunglasses, cardigan and sunscreen in your bag in the last week of December, and you need them all within the space of 15 minutes. Your interstate relos come unprepared. Idiots.
7. You say things like, ‘no, I don’t think we’ve hit peak bacon’ while you're wrapping your turbaconducken.
8. You actually *hope* someone will give you an ugly reindeer jumper.
9. You get stuck on Punt Road at some point, and text friends to tell them Punt Road is the enforcer of this city’s own social apartheid.
10. You see some hipsters drinking craft beers and eating pita bread on a median strip on Christmas Day, and feel jealous.
11. You tell your extended family you’re only excited about Christmas turkey if it’s maple-bacon glazed, deep-fried, or served in a brioche bun.
12. You eye your Sydney relatives suspiciously and silently judge them for their hearty-looking tans.
13. You shrug off compliments about your smock dress/mustard cardigan/high-waisted jeans/new tattoo sleeve.
14. You give at least two people a copy of the new Moroccan Soup Bar cookbook and explain that it’s this iconic northside restaurant where you always have to queue but its worth it for the layered chickpea bake.
15. You give everyone else toiletries from Aesop.
16. When your grandmother asks if you'd like a drink, you order a Bloody Mary.
17. You deliver a lengthy monologue on nut milk vs dairy milk vs legume milk vs grain milk to your confused parents. When your dad asks you if you’d ever consider drinking dog’s milk, you tell him not to be an idiot.
18. You refuse to let anyone start eating until you’ve stood on a chair to take a photo of the spread for Instagram.
19. You talk incessantly about your residency in Berlin.
20. You profess to have an unusually strong opinion about meat donuts.
21. You get into an argument about the Myer Christmas window display and whether it’s worth lining up for.
22. You crave smashed avocado and sprinkle freeze-dried kale over everything.
23. You have a mini bottle of hot sauce in your bag for emergencies.
24. You casually remind everyone how many public holidays Victoria gets compared to the rest of Australia when Sydney relatives bring up their beaches.
25. You add that Melbourne is an internationally designated City of Literature and now has an open-air cinema where you can bring your dog. But yeah, beaches are nice I guess.
26. You think eggnog would look better in a freakshake.
27. You can’t believe the Christmas pudding doesn't contain coconut sugar?!
28. You have a unique perspective on the paleo diet.
29. You reveal that one of your New Year’s Resolutions is to only participate in socially-conscious drinking, at places like Shebeen.
30. You put all the presents you received into ‘green’ bags from independent retailers.
31. You let everyone know which music festivals you’re attending over summer, and why you wish that every festival had a no-dickhead policy.
32. You talk about your band, your friend’s band, or going to see a band.
33. You passionately reject that suggestion that everyone from Melbourne is in a band.
34. You do a flatlay of mistletoe and Lucas’ Papaw Ointment for Instagram.
35. You predict that piecaken is the new turducken.
36. You read a trendy article and angrily note that it’s slanted to either the northside or the southside of the city.
37. You divulge your plans to open a cafe called Rage Against The Espresso Machine.
38. You ask if anyone knows if Messina does delivery on Christmas Day.
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Image credit: rockyouruglychristmassweater.com